Feelings... nothing more than... oh hell.

[mijan]

I should be happy - satisfied at least - but I'm not.  Somewhere, I must have done something really awful in a past life, because every once in a while, something so minor that it should be completely inconsequential just bites me in the ass. Hard. And leaves huge, festering open wounds.

Forget about the Army thing for a moment. I know, that's what everyone thinks is at the center of my emotional existance. IT'S NOT.   If that happens, it happens.  And it will.  I'm still waiting for my new commander from the unit in New Jersey to contact me, but until he does, I'm going to mentally ignore it, because it's driving me insane, not knowing.  And NO, I haven't heard anything new.  I don't know when I'm leaving.  I don't know how long I'll be gone.  I'm still waiting for my new unit to call me.  And I really can't handle one more person e-mailing me JUST to ask if I've heard anything new.  I HAVEN'T.  I WISH I HAD, BUT I KNOW NOTHING.  NOTHING!  And I swear, when I hear something, I WILL POST IT.  IMMEDIATELY.

*deep breath*  Okay.  So, I had a good day, technically.  I'm getting amazing feedback for my recent chapter of Eclipse.  I just got recognized in the New H/D Classics Poll, which was an awesome surprise.  It's a beautiful late August day.  My kinky life is doing well.  I went for the most wonderful trail ride with my horse this afternoon, and spent the evening at the gym.  Dinner was delicious.  And I have a whole pile of fresh, clean socks.  Bliss.

But I'm miserable.  Fucking miserable.  Because I made a stupid mistake.  Okay, first of all, I know some people think that fandom friendships aren't as important as RL ones. Well, to me, they're both important.  I have RL friends that I cherish, and online friends who mean the world to me.  Feelings are real, people are real.  So, with that established...

I made a mistake.  A really stupid one.  I'm the type of person who never means to do anything cruel, snide, or nasty.  It's not in my nature.  However, the deity that designed my personality was one hell of a practical joker, and must have designed me with this blind spot in my common sense.  I say or do something stupid, without even realizing what I'm doing until after it's done, and poof, someone is angry at me.  And now, I've fucked up royally, I can tell, and I think the more I try to set it right, the worse I make it.  She said she's not mad at me, but she's avoiding me, and I can tell.  I feel like such an idiot, and I don't know what to do.  It's making me completely miserable.

I just feel like I lost a friend because of my own sheer stupidity.  Or maybe I'm just too fucking sensitive. I want to hide under a rock now.

Comments

[sirigorn.livejournal.com]

Ah. I've felt that way before. I think most of us have at one point or another. I don't know what you did, and I'm not going to press you for it, but chances are that really, part of the blame goes on her. Things like that are rarely completely one-sided. If you explain to her what happened, and what you went wrong, hopefully, she'll accept it. :D

[mijan.livejournal.com]

I did, and she says she's not angry at me, but I can just tell that I put a wedge in a new friendship, and ruined it.

[degrees.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[mijan.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

hmmm...

[ex-leianora730.livejournal.com]

I hate such passive aggression. If she's angry with you, that's okay. She should just say so, dammit! If she isn't, and she's still avoiding you, that's very sad, and it makes me angry, because being angry is okay, and she should know that. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to make you feel worse, but dammit, I fucking hate that!

If I may give advice, I'd just sit back and let her simmer down. She'll get over it, and really, nothing you can say or do is going to rectify the situation if she can't even admit to being angry with you. If, however, she's truly not angry with you, or really doesn't want to be, doing nothing will give her the time and space she may need to get past whatever happened.

Squeezes you tight!

Re: hmmm...

[mijan.livejournal.com]

*is squished*
I guess I just feel like an idiot. What I did, I should have known better. It wasn't evil or malicious, or even nasty, but it was inconsiderate.

[yaycoffee.livejournal.com]

Awww. *hugs* I hate when stuff like that happens. It happens to everyone at some point in time or another. I know I say crap all the time that afterward I'm like, Doh! Stupid! *facepalm* Sometimes it's hard to wash the foot taste from my mouth. . .colgate can only go SO far, y'know?

That being said, it sounds like you REALLY didn't mean to hurt any feelings...and certainly not anything that would end a friendship. Hopefully your friend will see that you really didn't mean to hurt her and things will go back to normal. You are obviously really affected by this, and it would be silly for her to not recognize that.

[mijan.livejournal.com]

I just wanna cry, but that never does any good.

[aerynalexander.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I'm misinterpreted all the time too. Hope it gets better for you.

[mijan.livejournal.com]

Thankee darling. *hugs back* I think it will. I hope. Maybe I'm just too sensitive.

[snottygrrl.livejournal.com]

okay, just have to say i totally understand the annoyance about people emailing about something you told them you'd tell them about. drove me insane when i first started dealing with immigration, folk would always ask, not believing that i still couldn't know. three years later they've given up (and i bet most of them believe i never told them, when in fact it still isn't complete).

as to the misunderstanding. ((hugs)) i was going to write something 'helpful' but figured i'd just put my foot in it and then you'd be hurt or mad and you certainly don't need that today. just know that i thought all kinds of comforting things.

and congrats on being a new h/d classic. [*throws confetti*]

[mijan.livejournal.com]

LOL... the poll doesn't really matter. The label/title doesn't matter. It's just whether or not my readers like the fic. But it was a nice pat on the back. Made me blush.

And don't worry... everything will work out. *sigh*

[annephoenix.livejournal.com]

People shouldn't accept apologies if they don't mean it. You should definitely double-question the motives of someone who does that, cause it's a dubious life strategy. Other than that - hug!!

[mijan.livejournal.com]

er... ok. And no, this person doesn't have a double-motive. I just did something that hurt her, but I never meant to hurt her... and don't worry, we're working it out.

[silvertoekee.livejournal.com]

Man I am sorry your friend is avoiding you like that and wish I can give you a hug. I know I have been in a few situations like that and the only thing you can do is give your friend time. Either the person will get over it and stop the avoiding game or if she doesn't then maybe she isn't a good friend after all. Hope things get resolved between you two :)

[mijan.livejournal.com]

We're working on it now. Thanks. *hugs*

[rockchick-101.livejournal.com]

hey i totally know how you feel! and it sucks! but it'll be okay.
hope you feel better soon, and it gets worked out! :)

[mijan.livejournal.com]

It'll be fine. Thanks.

[(Anonymous)]

Why don't you just write her a mail and ask what's the matter? Maybe the whole thing is a misunderstanding? Sometimes I tend to feel, too, that people are avoiding me, but often it shows that it had nothing to do with me. If a person has a problem with another, they should tell. Huggles.
wintryshowers

[meshell-mybell.livejournal.com]

Sorry about that. I hate when people act like there *is* something wrong but insist there isn't. I'm straight forward, you piss me off, I tell you and then we move on with our lives, with or without each other.

I just don't understand people. Most of the girls in my hometown were like that, still are. I guess I'm not your typical girl.

(Not asking when, just asking were in Jersey? I'm from there originally before moving to Texas.)

*Hugs N Stuff*

~Blue <--loving Eclipse and bawled her eyes out at the last chappy. <3

[mijan.livejournal.com]

Some people are emotional in different ways. I'm like you. If I get upset, angry, sad, or pissed, I tell the person flat out, we work through the problem, and then it's over. I'm more of a guy in so many ways.

Re: New Jersey - I have no clue. When I say "I know nothing", I mean it. It's VERY frustrating.

And glad to hear you liked the last chapter! :)

[kennahijja.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

But perhaps it's too early to panic yet. If someone put their foot in badly where I'm concerned, I can honestly accept an apology and still need a little bit of breathing space to get over the sting. It does not necessarily *have* to mean hostility, just a bit of time for a personality to fully un-bruise :).

Hope you and whoever will manage to get back to being close again!

[mijan.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know. There was never hostility, and not even anger. I felt like I hurt her, and it was my fault, and then when she was avoiding me, it hurt me. But I think it'll be okay. We're going to talk. She e-mailed me.

[singlewoman.livejournal.com]

I am glad you and your friend are talking. It is the only way to work things out. We have all been in your place, but I know that doesn't make things any easier. A true friend will accept your apology and things will work out, even if it takes awhile. Good luck. *HUGS* :)

[mijan.livejournal.com]

Thanks. It'll be fine. *hugs back*

[the-smirker.livejournal.com]

damn...i'm soory about your friend...maybe if she ends up reading this post of yours she really forgive you...she might realize (more) that you're sorry...


on another note tht is completely irrevelent:

you ride horses?!? dude! that is so awesome....i have a bout 6 horses (alothugh 2 are retired, one is my mom's he's 6 and we just got him about a month ago, one's a green mare whos only 3 so my trainer won't let any one ride her yet...atlest not until another month or so..to be on the safe side. the other is like, superman trail horse...he's a pretty good jumper too... he's 10 and my mom and i share him, he as hers originally. then there's mine...sigh...i love him deperately)

what style do you ride? i ride english and do jumpers and equitation and occassionally the hunter class here and there. ]

gah! that is so cool.... i actually just came back form a horse show...it was...intersting, i fell off becuase my trainer made me ride the 3' jumper class with out my bloody stirrups. i only had had 9 and 10 left...i am kicking my self in the head ...it hurts...

nut then i won my equtiation medal class which made me happy...sigh. okay...good luck with you're promblem(s)...

*huggles*

~teh smirker ; }

[mijan.livejournal.com]

Yes, I ride. I've mostly ridden English style, but I can also ride Western quite well. My horse is a 16-hand quarterhorse gelding. He's an awesome trail horse, but I've been schooling him more in the ring lately. His previous owner didn't really school him, and rode him mostly Western, so he's not terribly precise, but he's very eager to please and intelligent. Besides, he's gorgeous, and looks much better under English tack, as far as I'm concerned. (He's not one of those scrappy little Western quarterhorses.) So, we're making progress. I ride him English out on the trails too, and I like to school him in open fields instead of in the ring, because the ring itself it almost like a training aid, and it contains the horse. A horse should be just as precise and responsive in an open field as in a groomed riding ring. It's been going well. If you look back through my LJ, you'll see some pictures of me with my horse.

[eleal.livejournal.com]

Sounds like things are a little better today. Glad to hear it! I hope everything contines to work out for the best for you. :)

[mijan.livejournal.com]

Yes, I talked with my friend last night, and everything is better. :)

[nyx-of-darkness.livejournal.com]

* gives big hug*

[mijan.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*
It's all better now.

[fayaslam.livejournal.com]

I'm glad it worked out ok with your friend. ^_________^

For a while I've been lost in my shiny new Sims2 addiction, and when I resurfaced I was surprised to find you keep the good stuff friends-locked. Can I ask to be friended?

[mijan.livejournal.com]

Sure, I can friend you! I only recently friends-locked the "good stuff" because of a minor fiasco on my journal. So, all my naughty fics and pics are hidden. You'll be able to see them again in just a minute...