Feelings... nothing more than... oh hell.

[mijan]

I should be happy - satisfied at least - but I'm not.  Somewhere, I must have done something really awful in a past life, because every once in a while, something so minor that it should be completely inconsequential just bites me in the ass. Hard. And leaves huge, festering open wounds.

Forget about the Army thing for a moment. I know, that's what everyone thinks is at the center of my emotional existance. IT'S NOT.   If that happens, it happens.  And it will.  I'm still waiting for my new commander from the unit in New Jersey to contact me, but until he does, I'm going to mentally ignore it, because it's driving me insane, not knowing.  And NO, I haven't heard anything new.  I don't know when I'm leaving.  I don't know how long I'll be gone.  I'm still waiting for my new unit to call me.  And I really can't handle one more person e-mailing me JUST to ask if I've heard anything new.  I HAVEN'T.  I WISH I HAD, BUT I KNOW NOTHING.  NOTHING!  And I swear, when I hear something, I WILL POST IT.  IMMEDIATELY.

*deep breath*  Okay.  So, I had a good day, technically.  I'm getting amazing feedback for my recent chapter of Eclipse.  I just got recognized in the New H/D Classics Poll, which was an awesome surprise.  It's a beautiful late August day.  My kinky life is doing well.  I went for the most wonderful trail ride with my horse this afternoon, and spent the evening at the gym.  Dinner was delicious.  And I have a whole pile of fresh, clean socks.  Bliss.

But I'm miserable.  Fucking miserable.  Because I made a stupid mistake.  Okay, first of all, I know some people think that fandom friendships aren't as important as RL ones. Well, to me, they're both important.  I have RL friends that I cherish, and online friends who mean the world to me.  Feelings are real, people are real.  So, with that established...

I made a mistake.  A really stupid one.  I'm the type of person who never means to do anything cruel, snide, or nasty.  It's not in my nature.  However, the deity that designed my personality was one hell of a practical joker, and must have designed me with this blind spot in my common sense.  I say or do something stupid, without even realizing what I'm doing until after it's done, and poof, someone is angry at me.  And now, I've fucked up royally, I can tell, and I think the more I try to set it right, the worse I make it.  She said she's not mad at me, but she's avoiding me, and I can tell.  I feel like such an idiot, and I don't know what to do.  It's making me completely miserable.

I just feel like I lost a friend because of my own sheer stupidity.  Or maybe I'm just too fucking sensitive. I want to hide under a rock now.

Comments

[mijan.livejournal.com]

Yes, I ride. I've mostly ridden English style, but I can also ride Western quite well. My horse is a 16-hand quarterhorse gelding. He's an awesome trail horse, but I've been schooling him more in the ring lately. His previous owner didn't really school him, and rode him mostly Western, so he's not terribly precise, but he's very eager to please and intelligent. Besides, he's gorgeous, and looks much better under English tack, as far as I'm concerned. (He's not one of those scrappy little Western quarterhorses.) So, we're making progress. I ride him English out on the trails too, and I like to school him in open fields instead of in the ring, because the ring itself it almost like a training aid, and it contains the horse. A horse should be just as precise and responsive in an open field as in a groomed riding ring. It's been going well. If you look back through my LJ, you'll see some pictures of me with my horse.

[the-smirker.livejournal.com]

cool, yah, my super trail horse, moony is a 16 (hehe, i typed in 19 the first time...he's not THAT big) hand part quarter horse part no idea... my lovely creature is 16.2/16.4 or something gelding (age 10), he's an oldenberg from germany...he came from the land ofthe hunters...(snooze and cruise...look pretty...side diagonal side..whoop-di-doo). i think he likes it better with the jumpers though... he's a pretty good trail horse too. do you like to jump cross country? at the place i used to ride there was a ton of logs and banks and ditches to jump it was awesome... at the place we are now there a helluv a lota trails, there'd this one hill that is pretty long that jsut keeps going up...me and my friends like to gallop up it...its good for them (the horses) to work on uneven/sloping surfaces...it developes their muscles better...there's a field right next to our ring with a couple horses in it, i wonder if i could find a way to use it when those horses are away...hmmm... good luck with your's.... =D

~the smirker ; }

[mijan.livejournal.com]

It sounds awesome. I'm currently building Champ up from a period of relative inactivity, with mostly walk-trot-canter cross-country, and some terrain work, but only a little bit of galloping. Also, he tends to be too eager out on the trail, and WANTS to gallop too much, when I only tell him to canter, so it's an exercise in discipline. He's been getting better each time, and I'll let him gallop more soon. He *can* jump obstacles, but there aren't many good, safe obstacles where I ride. There's one ditch, but it's badly obscured with tall grass and brush, and until I've taken him over it a few more times so that he's really familiar with the footing, I don't want to risk him falling. I'll let you know when I do that with him. I've also been taking him on some interesting landscape through a formal gardens near where I board him. There are stone steps, and he's kept his footing on the steps beautifully. Good boy. Earned an apple for that. :)

[the-smirker.livejournal.com]

trotting up hill is really good fro them too. ya, when we had a bunch of cross country jumps we made sure that there was safefootingaround them and they weren't to unstable, logs are great. it would suck (to say th least) if he fell and...you knw, not goo stuff. this women who rides with me sortof was with her horse exloring a new trail and it got really narrow, she tried to backhim up but he tried to turn around and ended up tumbling off the edge of the slope cliff. it was frightening, our trianer had to go in and cutthe vines away because they'd gotten wrapped around the horse's legs. the lady fractured a bunch of bones but she;s okay now, the horse suffered no lasting injury but for a while we thought he might've sone somethnig to his spine. needless to say, afterthat, we had it drilled into our heads to never go on narrow trails, not back down, always take some one ith us, etc. trail safety. do you go with friends ever?

[mijan.livejournal.com]

I don't have any other friends who ride, so I go by myself most of the time. Sometimes, my sister comes with me, but she doesn't have her own horse, and has to borrow someone else's. But I'm very careful, and even though I'm not a "fancy" rider, I'm an extremely balanced and capable rider. I've only been thrown once in 12 years, and that's because I was riding bareback, out in a field, at a canter, and the horse spooked at a damn squirrel. Didn't see that coming. It was okay though.