mijan | Feelings... nothing more than... oh hell.

I should be happy - satisfied at least - but I'm not. Somewhere, I must have done something really awful in a past life, because every once in a while, something so minor that it should be completely inconsequential just bites me in the ass. Hard. And leaves huge, festering open wounds.

Forget about the Army thing for a moment. I know, that's what everyone thinks is at the center of my emotional existance. IT'S NOT. If that happens, it happens. And it will. I'm still waiting for my new commander from the unit in New Jersey to contact me, but until he does, I'm going to mentally ignore it, because it's driving me insane, not knowing. And NO, I haven't heard anything new. I don't know when I'm leaving. I don't know how long I'll be gone. I'm still waiting for my new unit to call me. And I really can't handle one more person e-mailing me JUST to ask if I've heard anything new. I HAVEN'T. I WISH I HAD, BUT I KNOW NOTHING. NOTHING! And I swear, when I hear something, I WILL POST IT. IMMEDIATELY.

*deep breath* Okay. So, I had a good day, technically. I'm getting amazing feedback for my recent chapter of Eclipse. I just got recognized in the New H/D Classics Poll, which was an awesome surprise. It's a beautiful late August day. My kinky life is doing well. I went for the most wonderful trail ride with my horse this afternoon, and spent the evening at the gym. Dinner was delicious. And I have a whole pile of fresh, clean socks. Bliss.

But I'm miserable. Fucking miserable. Because I made a stupid mistake. Okay, first of all, I know some people think that fandom friendships aren't as important as RL ones. Well, to me, they're both important. I have RL friends that I cherish, and online friends who mean the world to me. Feelings are real, people are real. So, with that established...

I made a mistake. A really stupid one. I'm the type of person who never means to do anything cruel, snide, or nasty. It's not in my nature. However, the deity that designed my personality was one hell of a practical joker, and must have designed me with this blind spot in my common sense. I say or do something stupid, without even realizing what I'm doing until after it's done, and poof, someone is angry at me. And now, I've fucked up royally, I can tell, and I think the more I try to set it right, the worse I make it. She said she's not mad at me, but she's avoiding me, and I can tell. I feel like such an idiot, and I don't know what to do. It's making me completely miserable.

I just feel like I lost a friend because of my own sheer stupidity. Or maybe I'm just too fucking sensitive. I want to hide under a rock now.