Feelings... nothing more than... oh hell.

[mijan]

I should be happy - satisfied at least - but I'm not.  Somewhere, I must have done something really awful in a past life, because every once in a while, something so minor that it should be completely inconsequential just bites me in the ass. Hard. And leaves huge, festering open wounds.

Forget about the Army thing for a moment. I know, that's what everyone thinks is at the center of my emotional existance. IT'S NOT.   If that happens, it happens.  And it will.  I'm still waiting for my new commander from the unit in New Jersey to contact me, but until he does, I'm going to mentally ignore it, because it's driving me insane, not knowing.  And NO, I haven't heard anything new.  I don't know when I'm leaving.  I don't know how long I'll be gone.  I'm still waiting for my new unit to call me.  And I really can't handle one more person e-mailing me JUST to ask if I've heard anything new.  I HAVEN'T.  I WISH I HAD, BUT I KNOW NOTHING.  NOTHING!  And I swear, when I hear something, I WILL POST IT.  IMMEDIATELY.

*deep breath*  Okay.  So, I had a good day, technically.  I'm getting amazing feedback for my recent chapter of Eclipse.  I just got recognized in the New H/D Classics Poll, which was an awesome surprise.  It's a beautiful late August day.  My kinky life is doing well.  I went for the most wonderful trail ride with my horse this afternoon, and spent the evening at the gym.  Dinner was delicious.  And I have a whole pile of fresh, clean socks.  Bliss.

But I'm miserable.  Fucking miserable.  Because I made a stupid mistake.  Okay, first of all, I know some people think that fandom friendships aren't as important as RL ones. Well, to me, they're both important.  I have RL friends that I cherish, and online friends who mean the world to me.  Feelings are real, people are real.  So, with that established...

I made a mistake.  A really stupid one.  I'm the type of person who never means to do anything cruel, snide, or nasty.  It's not in my nature.  However, the deity that designed my personality was one hell of a practical joker, and must have designed me with this blind spot in my common sense.  I say or do something stupid, without even realizing what I'm doing until after it's done, and poof, someone is angry at me.  And now, I've fucked up royally, I can tell, and I think the more I try to set it right, the worse I make it.  She said she's not mad at me, but she's avoiding me, and I can tell.  I feel like such an idiot, and I don't know what to do.  It's making me completely miserable.

I just feel like I lost a friend because of my own sheer stupidity.  Or maybe I'm just too fucking sensitive. I want to hide under a rock now.

Comments

[mijan.livejournal.com]

Some people are emotional in different ways. I'm like you. If I get upset, angry, sad, or pissed, I tell the person flat out, we work through the problem, and then it's over. I'm more of a guy in so many ways.

Re: New Jersey - I have no clue. When I say "I know nothing", I mean it. It's VERY frustrating.

And glad to hear you liked the last chapter! :)

[meshell-mybell.livejournal.com]

It must be women named Michelle. *smiles*

I'm the same, I've been told by many men that I'm more of a guy than most women they know. I'm not catty and I rarely tolerate the soap-opera lives of others. If I say, 'get over yourself' I'm told that I'm an utter bitch. Well...yeah!

That does honestly suck to not have a clue. I'm thinking you'll probably go to Fort Dix, but I'm more familiar with the Air Bases, like McGuirre. Well, if you are in Jersey for any length of time, you may actually like it. It is a pretty state, if not uber expensive. I miss the ocean, personally.

Wishing you tons of luck and hoping for the best,
~Blue a.k.a. Michelle

[mijan.livejournal.com]

Yeah, we Michelles are pretty tenacious. And I'm not specifically going to Ft. Dix, because I'm going to a Reserves unit. We'll probably process through Ft. Dix, but as far as where I'm going to belong, not a bloody clue.

Anyhow, it'll all work out, I'm sure. Things have a way of doing that. :)