Feelings... nothing more than... oh hell.

[mijan]

I should be happy - satisfied at least - but I'm not.  Somewhere, I must have done something really awful in a past life, because every once in a while, something so minor that it should be completely inconsequential just bites me in the ass. Hard. And leaves huge, festering open wounds.

Forget about the Army thing for a moment. I know, that's what everyone thinks is at the center of my emotional existance. IT'S NOT.   If that happens, it happens.  And it will.  I'm still waiting for my new commander from the unit in New Jersey to contact me, but until he does, I'm going to mentally ignore it, because it's driving me insane, not knowing.  And NO, I haven't heard anything new.  I don't know when I'm leaving.  I don't know how long I'll be gone.  I'm still waiting for my new unit to call me.  And I really can't handle one more person e-mailing me JUST to ask if I've heard anything new.  I HAVEN'T.  I WISH I HAD, BUT I KNOW NOTHING.  NOTHING!  And I swear, when I hear something, I WILL POST IT.  IMMEDIATELY.

*deep breath*  Okay.  So, I had a good day, technically.  I'm getting amazing feedback for my recent chapter of Eclipse.  I just got recognized in the New H/D Classics Poll, which was an awesome surprise.  It's a beautiful late August day.  My kinky life is doing well.  I went for the most wonderful trail ride with my horse this afternoon, and spent the evening at the gym.  Dinner was delicious.  And I have a whole pile of fresh, clean socks.  Bliss.

But I'm miserable.  Fucking miserable.  Because I made a stupid mistake.  Okay, first of all, I know some people think that fandom friendships aren't as important as RL ones. Well, to me, they're both important.  I have RL friends that I cherish, and online friends who mean the world to me.  Feelings are real, people are real.  So, with that established...

I made a mistake.  A really stupid one.  I'm the type of person who never means to do anything cruel, snide, or nasty.  It's not in my nature.  However, the deity that designed my personality was one hell of a practical joker, and must have designed me with this blind spot in my common sense.  I say or do something stupid, without even realizing what I'm doing until after it's done, and poof, someone is angry at me.  And now, I've fucked up royally, I can tell, and I think the more I try to set it right, the worse I make it.  She said she's not mad at me, but she's avoiding me, and I can tell.  I feel like such an idiot, and I don't know what to do.  It's making me completely miserable.

I just feel like I lost a friend because of my own sheer stupidity.  Or maybe I'm just too fucking sensitive. I want to hide under a rock now.

Comments

[sirigorn.livejournal.com]

Ah. I've felt that way before. I think most of us have at one point or another. I don't know what you did, and I'm not going to press you for it, but chances are that really, part of the blame goes on her. Things like that are rarely completely one-sided. If you explain to her what happened, and what you went wrong, hopefully, she'll accept it. :D

[mijan.livejournal.com]

I did, and she says she's not angry at me, but I can just tell that I put a wedge in a new friendship, and ruined it.

[sirigorn.livejournal.com]

Yeah... that can happen. *sigh* I don't really know what to tell you other than that you're not alone.

[mijan.livejournal.com]

Thanks, dear. I just know I won't feel better until this person stops avoiding me. And I don't know if that will happen.

[sirigorn.livejournal.com]

I understand that. Goodness knows I've felt that way myself.

[mijan.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[sirigorn.livejournal.com]

*huggle*

[degrees.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[mijan.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

[degrees.livejournal.com]

*smiles* I would say that everything will turn out okay in the end, but that would be trite, so I won't.

Instead, I shall merely pet your hair and hope that it's comforting. *pets*

hmmm...

[ex-leianora730.livejournal.com]

I hate such passive aggression. If she's angry with you, that's okay. She should just say so, dammit! If she isn't, and she's still avoiding you, that's very sad, and it makes me angry, because being angry is okay, and she should know that. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to make you feel worse, but dammit, I fucking hate that!

If I may give advice, I'd just sit back and let her simmer down. She'll get over it, and really, nothing you can say or do is going to rectify the situation if she can't even admit to being angry with you. If, however, she's truly not angry with you, or really doesn't want to be, doing nothing will give her the time and space she may need to get past whatever happened.

Squeezes you tight!

[mijan.livejournal.com]

*purrs* *is cat* *curls up in your lap*

[yaycoffee.livejournal.com]

Awww. *hugs* I hate when stuff like that happens. It happens to everyone at some point in time or another. I know I say crap all the time that afterward I'm like, Doh! Stupid! *facepalm* Sometimes it's hard to wash the foot taste from my mouth. . .colgate can only go SO far, y'know?

That being said, it sounds like you REALLY didn't mean to hurt any feelings...and certainly not anything that would end a friendship. Hopefully your friend will see that you really didn't mean to hurt her and things will go back to normal. You are obviously really affected by this, and it would be silly for her to not recognize that.

Re: hmmm...

[mijan.livejournal.com]

*is squished*
I guess I just feel like an idiot. What I did, I should have known better. It wasn't evil or malicious, or even nasty, but it was inconsiderate.

[mijan.livejournal.com]

I just wanna cry, but that never does any good.

[aerynalexander.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I'm misinterpreted all the time too. Hope it gets better for you.

[mijan.livejournal.com]

Thankee darling. *hugs back* I think it will. I hope. Maybe I'm just too sensitive.

[snottygrrl.livejournal.com]

okay, just have to say i totally understand the annoyance about people emailing about something you told them you'd tell them about. drove me insane when i first started dealing with immigration, folk would always ask, not believing that i still couldn't know. three years later they've given up (and i bet most of them believe i never told them, when in fact it still isn't complete).

as to the misunderstanding. ((hugs)) i was going to write something 'helpful' but figured i'd just put my foot in it and then you'd be hurt or mad and you certainly don't need that today. just know that i thought all kinds of comforting things.

and congrats on being a new h/d classic. [*throws confetti*]

[mijan.livejournal.com]

LOL... the poll doesn't really matter. The label/title doesn't matter. It's just whether or not my readers like the fic. But it was a nice pat on the back. Made me blush.

And don't worry... everything will work out. *sigh*

[annephoenix.livejournal.com]

People shouldn't accept apologies if they don't mean it. You should definitely double-question the motives of someone who does that, cause it's a dubious life strategy. Other than that - hug!!

[silvertoekee.livejournal.com]

Man I am sorry your friend is avoiding you like that and wish I can give you a hug. I know I have been in a few situations like that and the only thing you can do is give your friend time. Either the person will get over it and stop the avoiding game or if she doesn't then maybe she isn't a good friend after all. Hope things get resolved between you two :)

[rockchick-101.livejournal.com]

hey i totally know how you feel! and it sucks! but it'll be okay.
hope you feel better soon, and it gets worked out! :)

[(Anonymous)]

Why don't you just write her a mail and ask what's the matter? Maybe the whole thing is a misunderstanding? Sometimes I tend to feel, too, that people are avoiding me, but often it shows that it had nothing to do with me. If a person has a problem with another, they should tell. Huggles.
wintryshowers

[meshell-mybell.livejournal.com]

Sorry about that. I hate when people act like there *is* something wrong but insist there isn't. I'm straight forward, you piss me off, I tell you and then we move on with our lives, with or without each other.

I just don't understand people. Most of the girls in my hometown were like that, still are. I guess I'm not your typical girl.

(Not asking when, just asking were in Jersey? I'm from there originally before moving to Texas.)

*Hugs N Stuff*

~Blue <--loving Eclipse and bawled her eyes out at the last chappy. <3

[mijan.livejournal.com]

er... ok. And no, this person doesn't have a double-motive. I just did something that hurt her, but I never meant to hurt her... and don't worry, we're working it out.