Something I've noticed lately...

[mijan]

Lately, I've been made aware of a somewhat obnoxious trend in social norms (or maybe people were always assholes like this, and I was blissfully naive.) 

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/wayoflife/09/10/lw.pay.for.my.party/index.html

Do people REALLY pull this sort of shit on their friends?  Do they say, "Hey, come to my party!", and then expect the guests to foot a bill of hundreds of dollar apiece?  Do adult offspring "throw an anniversary party" for their parents, and then demand that their parents pay exorbitant bills for the party after the fact?  Do they invite people to parties, tell them to bring their own food, but not make it a true "pot-luck" where everyone shares?  (Dude, I thought the POINT of a pot-luck was to SHARE.)

I also heard about bridezillas demanding that their best friends throw them bachelorette parties worth thousands of dollars.  It's bad enough that the bridesmaids have to buy their own ugly dresses for the weddings!  I've heard of people TELLING their friends and family what to buy them for weddings and birthdays.  Specific EXPENSIVE stuff, too.  (I feel bad enough just "registering" for my wedding.  It feels like I'm asking for stuff!  And we only registered at Target!  Not Crate and Barrel or other fancy stores.)

I dunno... it just seems like common courtesies are going out the door.  

What do you guys think?

Comments

[karaz.livejournal.com]

I have an aunt that always comes to our annual family reunion with food she doesn't share. It's a potluck, we even have to check with my Gran to make sure we're bringing something different from everyone else. Yet every year she'll have her own food - ribs or steak that she makes my uncle's grill while everyone else is having chicken or burgers and usually some sort of salad/pasta. No, she hasn't any dietary restrictions and yes, she does eat the food other people bring too. It's all very bizarre and I seem to be the only one who thinks so.

[mijan.livejournal.com]

The way I figure it, if she brings only her own food, and doesn't eat anything that ANYONE ELSE brings, then hey, that's up to her. It's definitely rude, and a social taboo, but at least she's not mooching.

But if she doesn't bring anything to share, yet eats things that other people bring, then that's absolutely not cool. I'm surprised nobody says anything to her.

[t0ra-chan.livejournal.com]

Well, just check out Etiquette Hell (http://www.etiquettehell.com/index.shtml) and see for yourself what some people put others through. Sometimes people seem to be just clueless, but often it's simply greed with a heavy dose of entitlement.

And of course the nice and polite people suffer, because they are too nice to say anything, don't want to rock the boat, want to make everyone happy, etc.

[vampireanneke.livejournal.com]

With my Ren. Faire guild we have a potluck for rehersal. Some people bring their own food and then don't take part in the food. HOWEVER after everyone has eatened who did bring food for the potluck there is usually lots of food left over and those people are free to help themselves then. They don't bring food to cheat the sytem or anything and when those people who don't bring food to the potluck do have some of the food it's more to try it (some one brought home made something and they insist everyone tries it), or so it doesn't get thrown out.

But I believe they call this generation the 'Me' Generation. There is alot of people who believe the world revolves around them. They want their needs instantly statisified and don't think of others. (shrugs)

[halo4.livejournal.com]

I guess I either didn't notice or was naive like you. I just heard about this maybe a week ago and all I could do was pick my jaw up off the floor.

People disappoint me more and more with every passing day.

[lap-otter.livejournal.com]

I can't decide which angryicon to use, so I'll go with the newer and more recognizable one.
This is the sort of thing that makes me very glad that my few friends aren't the party-throwing sort. And that I'm stingy; I always ask, just to be sure I don't forget my wallet when I need it.

S'hard to get angry right now, though; I'm watching one of the only live TV broadcasts Billy Joel ever did, in the 70s in Britain, and it only aired in America sometime last week.

[mijan.livejournal.com]

Sounds like a fun broadcast!

I like to throw parties, but when I do, I do one of the following:

1. Invite people to join us at a restaurant, and make it clear that we're all paying our own tabs. My friends are generally considerate enough that they don't try to order the most expensive meal and drinks, and then "split the bill".

2. "Go out" to a bar or club, and then it's obvious that everyone pays for himself or herself.

3. Host a dinner party at my house and say, "I'm providing _____. Please bring an appropriate side-dish, dessert, or drink to share." Or I'll say, "I'm providing all the food. Bring alcohol if you want!"


For our at-home (non-fandom) bachelorette party (even though we had fandomers there, too), one of Fiona's best friends covered the tab, people paid her for their meals, and she bought my meal and Fi's as her gift to us. We went to a very moderate restaurant, not badly expensive at all (dude, it was so much fun - I'm GLAD we didn't go to a fancy place!). I ordered a mid-priced meal (I think it was about $15), and I didn't order any alcohol myself. To me, that just seems right, ya know?

[lap-otter.livejournal.com]

It is; that man is madness on the piano.

When I throw parties, they're my twelfth birthday party and my mom pays for them. *shrug* I haven't been grown-up long enough to know how the world works yet. (Because I am so grown up.)

[mijan.livejournal.com]

LOL... you think I'm grown up either? Not even close.

Really, it's just common sense. Put yourself in the shoes of the other people. If my friends aren't wealthy, it would be rude to ask them to pay for really expensive stuff. They also know I'm not wealthy, so they know they can't expect me to pay for huge fancy parties for them. It's all a matter of being reasonable and communicating honestly.

[lap-otter.livejournal.com]

Well, at least you've spent some time in the real world. Here I am, completely spoiled by technology--my only saving grace is that I know that I am spoiled. Common sense and communication, though, I think I can manage.

Come be on Y!M. (Or AIM. *nudge*) It's easier than comment-tag.

[mijan.livejournal.com]

LOL. I'm at work, silly. No IM. Unless you have g-mail.

Oh, and if you ever need to double-check whether something is etiquette-reasonable or not by normal human adult standards, feel free to buzz me. :)

[lap-otter.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes, work. Because it's a reasonable hour, and people work at reasonable hours.

This is the first time in three months I've been awake before noon, and the first time in weeks I've been up before 2PM, so teh concept of people not being home from work already seems odd. When're you coming home?

[mijan.livejournal.com]

In about two hours, m'dear.

*hugs*

[hapendfro.livejournal.com]

ARe you fucking kidding me? Do people really have the nerve, the audacity, the fucking gall to invite some one out and then expect them to pay for it?

All I can say is I am for one very glad my few chosen friends would never ever do anything like this. And if they did we would not be friends much longer.

Oh and congrates on the upcoming nuptials. When is the lucky event to take place? I can never quite find the date.

[artistflop.livejournal.com]

I have in the past hosted what I like to call "partial" potlucks. Which means everybody brings a side dish, snacks, or drinks to share, the house included, and everybody brings whatever they would like on the barbecue, but as host I (or my Dad, or my husband... you get the picture) would be the one manning the barbecue. It's fun, everybody gets what they want, there is sharing, and nobody is left holding the bag!

[scarah2.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I have BBQs where people have to bring their own meat. But I have drinks and sides.

[quiet000001.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I do this kind of thing too- when I ended up hosting a HUGE BBQ (100 people or so) I said "we will provide the space, the meat, and the grills. Please bring other stuff to share." (I did also have one grill set aside for vegetarians- I didn't supply any food, though, because I had no idea which veggie burger type things were best.)

As far as registries go- I admit I'm in favor of them, and I have a wish list pretty much everywhere online one can have one, for pretty much one reason- I have various relatives who absolutely WILL NOT give cash, or a gift card, and yet don't want to buy something they pick out. Having some form of gift list they can go and look at and pick something from makes them Much Happier, particularly because then at least I don't know what I'm getting. (Previously, I'd have to all, but go and buy the gift myself.)

[waterdragon.livejournal.com]

I had something sort of like this happen to me. For my wedding reception (okay so we had it at a buffet 100, translation: cheap chinese buffet) my mother offered and promised she'd pay for it. We didn't have a lot of people there, and it wasn't going to be very expensive, I don't remember the exact figures anymore. But she and my father have been divorced since I was 6, when we were leaving, she called my father over and insisted he pay for half... Without any prior warning, and with her having already promised to pay for it.

Of course things had already gone downhill at that point and weren't getting any better with the maternal relatives, but oh well.

[roma-fics.livejournal.com]

Wow, these stories are horrible. I really can't imagine what these people were thinking. They obviously have know clue about being on a fixed income or being poor. Oh, and I've been to potlucks that weren't potlucks like those folks in the pool story. *sigh*

I do remember being in college when my best friend from high school was getting married. I was living on about $25.00 a week for food at the time. I did save enough to fly home for the wedding and for the horrid dress and shoes, but when presented with the bill for colouring the shoes, altering the dress, flowers, etc for around $200, I burst out crying. Her father, who had not been involved with the arrangements, was mortified as he understood the position I was in. He covered not only that expense but for everything else too. My girlfriend was in shock and so was her mother.

[mijan.livejournal.com]

They were in shock that he paid it? Or am I reading that wrong?

I mean, that's part of why I decided not to be a bridesmaid for my best friend from elementary school and high school. The dress was both hideous AND hideously expensive. I knew how much it would have ended up costing me, and I just didn't have that kind of money to throw away. Why do people assume that people can just throw money around?

[slumber.livejournal.com]

My gf was just maid of honor at her college best friend's wedding, and she had to pay for everything, though from what she's told me of US practices the norm is that MOH expenses are usually paid for. But the bride was also just a recent college grad and currently in grad school, so I don't know-- well, personally, I think if you can't afford the MOH expenses at your own wedding it means you should probably reconsider your financial status, but whatever. (And yeah, wedding registers are. Is it just us or are we old-fashioned?)

[corellianrogue]

People DO that?! *boggles*

Honestly, I just don't get that. At all. But then, my friends and I are pretty much the exact opposite. Three of us used to go out to eat about every weekend one year in college and we eventually had to just start taking turns with the tab because we'd fight each other over who was paying it each time. Not who had to pay, but who GOT to pay. XD We were, eh, kinda weird, I admit.

Still, my jaw just dropped over that article. Seriously. WTF?

[ladyphoenixia.livejournal.com]

I don't... understand. In my circle, we all know that when we go out, everyone pays for their share. So on the one hand, I don't understand how people could be nominally throwing a party and then expecting everyone to split the bill equally... on the other hand, I never go out to a meal without fully expecting to pay for myself. But if someone's inviting you out and implying they'll pay... and especially taking people out for their anniversary or whatnot... that's kinda shocking.

Also, like most of the other comments, on the rare occasions I throw a party at my place, I always let people know what to bring. Usually a matter of, "I've got sausages and bread, if you want anything fancy then bring it."

And yes, I know people who had to pay for their own ugly bridesmaid dresses for their weddings. Ugh.

[elizardbits.livejournal.com]

Ugh. Shit like this makes me insane with rage. Back when I used to drink, uh, a little too much, I was always the one with the largest portion of the dinner bill, and I never ONCE tried to play it off like everyone else should be responsible for paying for my alcoholism. (*snicker*) The very few times that people I've been out with have tried to pull that "split the bill evenly" crap on me, I laughed long and loud, and then paid only for my own stuff (plus tip, of course.)

And the absolute worst horrifically rude thing I've ever heard of was when a former friend of mine was getting married, and asked a bunch of our girlfriends to be bridesmaids. The bride, having moved out west a year and a half earlier, hadn't actually physically seen two of our friends in quite some time. So when she saw at her bridal shower that they'd both gained a fairly substantial amount of weight, she was apparently horrified at the thought of them in her bridal party.

She told them that if they didn't lose weight, they couldn't be bridesmaids anymore.

YES. REALLY.

Now, you hear stuff all the time (at least here in NYC) about brides offering their entire bridal parties a day at the spa, on her, or even liposuction (!) before the wedding, for maximum picture-perfectness. But to tell these girls that they were too fat to be in her wedding anymore? SO. FUCKED. UP. It wasn't even like the bridesmaids dresses had been made and paid for already, and would need altering. She was just too vain to be seen with fat girls as friends.

I myself was not a bridesmaid for far more entertaining, and possibly even more obnoxious reasons. Hee.

[x-shabutie-x.livejournal.com]

Sorry to butt in! I had to comment here! If someone ever said to me 'Lose weight or you won't be my bridesmaid' I'd tell them You just lost *** pounds of bridesmaid. Bye! Then again I wouldn't choose to be friends with somebody so obviously vapid in the first place. :D

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

Omigod, I'd love to read more of these horrible stories. I can't imagine the rudeness of some people.

I know that etiquette doesn't traditionally dictate this, but if I ever got married? No member of the wedding party would pay for their own dress/shoes/tuxes etc. I wouldn't allow it. The bridal party's clothing are costumes for the darned wedding--no one's ever going to wear them again--and I would count them as part of the wedding expenses. (But I know etiquette doesn't demand that.)

[lurkitty.livejournal.com]

Being a woman of few means, I have invited people out with the understanding we were all picking up our own tabs. The restaurants we frequented were in the $15 per person range.

I have also brought my own food to events because I am a vegetarian and have been burned by eating the common food (I was once served veggie kabobs that had been soaked in the same marinade with raw chicken. Not only was it not veggie, but wholly unsanitary. Ewwwww!). I always bring more than I can eat, and do share if people really want to eat what I bring.

I can't understand the greed that goes along with expecting your friends to pay hundreds of dollars on your behalf. I just don't get it.

[hpdm4ever.livejournal.com]

I couldn't help but comment on this. Two weeks ago it was my best friend's bday. She wanted to go out to dinner. It wasn't a lot of people. A total of six, including me (Also it was kind of a couples thing, which she didn't tell me ahead of time!). It was kinda pricy so I got something simple- soup instead of a big appetizer, and not an overly expensive pasta dish. No alcohol- I was driving, but three others did get multiple drinks.

I also had gotten her a present- nobody else did, and I was really surprised. Then the bill came and her other friend (and everyone else) decided that we'd split the bill- covering for the birthday girl's share.

I was pissed. I had already spent $50 on her gift. Now I was expected to pay for stuff I didn't eat. I ended up doing it- but I'm still mad about it.

AND I know that the Birthday girl is so freaking stingy that if we went out for my birthday- and it was a nice place, she totally wouldn't pay for my share.

Grrrr....

[ravenqueen55.livejournal.com]

I don't know about everyone else, but I didn't get married for the gifts. Sure, it's a nice token and ~ being a Slytherin! ~ I enjoy receiving prezzies! But I never expected my guests to buy me expensive things, and I didn't ask for them.

I had a friend who was inviting people to her wedding who she knew wouldn't be able to attend (for travel reasons), just so she'd get a gift from them. She was also inviting people she didn't know that well ~ old friends of her parents, for example, who even her parents weren't close to anymore ~ for the same reason. To get a gift. WTF???

And as a rule, I don't like to share bills when I go out to eat. I don't want to pay for anyone else's meal and I don't want them to have to pay for mine. If I buy one drink and my friend buys five, how is it fair to expect me to pay for half of what she drank? You wouldn't do that if everyone went shopping for clothes together ~ you'd pay for your own and not expect anything other than that. You wouldn't throw all the clothes on the counter and say "The jeans are mine, but I'm going to pay for half of the cost of my friend's three shirts and two skirts." Why should a meal be any different???

[x-shabutie-x.livejournal.com]

That is such a great way to put it! I agree with you.

[x-shabutie-x.livejournal.com]

I think it's bollocks! I'd tell the person to go screw themselves 5 ways :D

I will bend over backwards and do what I can to make things easier if money's tight with friends. I haven't always been afforded the same courtesies but I am very careful who I'm friends with nowadays. It's nice being older and not giving a flying dogshit about being popular :D Quality not quantity!

[grey-hunter.livejournal.com]

Makes me blink rapidly. Never heard of such stuff in my vicinity but, sadly, I can imagine it happening just too vividly.

[vegablack62.livejournal.com]

Money and possessions are everyone's first love, no their second after themselves.

[xenelle.livejournal.com]

I can see how things like that happen, but its rude (on the part of the Parents Anniversary, in particular) in my opnion, Parties I've been to its food (nibbles) and home supplied by the party thrower and drinks supplied by party attendee (thus you bring what you drink), sometimes the soft drink is provided for mixing/non-drinking guests.

Mum paid for my 18th party as a b'day gift; and Dad paid for the rental of the unit for my 21st and my Uncle (bouncer for the party) bought the supplies as the gift. My 21st Bday cake was supplied as the gift by one of my friends who was an apprentice pastry chef at the time.

When I've eaten out with a group of people its buy your own and then something gets sorted with tips (live in the UK now tipping is still weird to me). In Australia if we went to the pub, you either buy your own drinks, or split a jug.

[blue-braces.livejournal.com]

I know a couple who invited their friends to their "bachelorette party", which turned out to really be a sex toy sales party (kind of like a tupperware party). People didn't know that until they arrived.