FIC: "Hi Jim, I'm in Iowa."

[mijan]

Title: "Hi Jim, I'm in Iowa."
Rating: PG-13
Author: mijan 
Ship: McCoy/Kirk implied.
Length: 870 words
Warnings: Character Death.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Just playing. Don't sue.


Hi Jim, I'm in Iowa, and it's your fault that I'm here. You’re an ass, you know that? You’re a selfish, arrogant bastard. Cocky, egotistical, headstrong, tough, determined, bold, courageous, and… what’s that they say about heroes? Just in the wrong place at the wrong time, huh? Yeah, kid, you’re good at that, too.

You were a mess of blood and bruises the first time I saw you, ya know. The shuttlecraft was full of neat rows of cadets in tidy red uniforms, and I was drunk, and you had dried blood on your face and shirt. We were both such a damn mess. The shuttlecraft docked at the Academy shuttle bay, and you followed me. Or I followed you. Not sure which, Jim, but you stuck around.

Three years later, we were back in that same goddamned shuttle bay. I almost lost you there. I should have followed orders, boarded the shuttle to the Enterprise, and left you standing there looking like a lost puppy. I couldn’t. God knows I tried, but I couldn’t. Glad I was so impulsive – we might not have had a planet left if I hadn’t. You know, I never really thought of that. If I hadn’t been so fucking addicted to you, you obnoxious little space cowboy, there’d be a black hole right now instead of Earth. You would have been sucked in with it. You never did thank me for that, by the way. But even though you never said thanks – manners weren’t your thing, Iowa boy – I knew you liked it when I stuck around. And you stuck around.

Earth. Feels good beneath my feet, but I really don’t want to be here right now.

I used to think you were accident-prone. It didn’t take me long to learn that you were actually plain ol’ reckless. You weren’t clumsy or uncoordinated; you just preferred to jump without looking. No physical fears. Well, I think you developed a phobia of hyposprays over time, but I’ll take the blame for that. I usually pressed too hard. I kinda liked listening to you yelp. It was pretty funny.

It wasn’t funny that last time.

You never gave a shit about regulations, Jim, and we all knew it. Starfleet regs say that you’re not supposed to get cozy with the natives, but as you said, it was good for diplomacy. Starfleet regs say you’re supposed to sleep at least four hours per standard twenty-four hour day, but sleep was too boring for you. Starfleet regs say that the Captain is supposed to stay on this ship and send his First Officer on away missions whenever possible.

You didn’t stick around that time.

They say you can’t tame a wild horse, you can’t cage a hawk, and you can’t keep James T. Kirk on board a starship. Not when there’s a new planet for you to explore, new aliens to meet, and new dangers to face. Not when you think that you can do it better than anyone else. Damn it Jim, yes, you do everything better than everyone else. You always did. You had no way of knowing… none of us did… that the planet was in the middle of a fucking civil war, and that the conference had been targeted by the other side.

You were a mess of blood and bruises the last time I saw you, ya know. The blast had killed half of the delegates immediately, but you were on the other side of the council chamber from where the bomb had been planted.  I tried to be gentle with the hypospray that time, but I don’t think you noticed.  It didn't help.  I couldn't help you that time, Jim.  Couldn't fix you like I promised I would.  You stayed long enough for me to see you one last time… did you hear me?  I tried to say goodbye before you slipped. Did you know I was there? I think you did. God, I hope you did.

I saw a Vulcan cry for the first time in my life that day.

That’s about all I remember.

They wanted to bring your body back here, but I didn’t let them. Somehow I don’t think you would have wanted Iowa. You’re out there now, but I’m here, on the planet that you saved once, but you’ll never see it again. It doesn’t seem fair. I mean, you always wanted to spend your entire life amongst the stars, and I just wanted to keep my feet on the ground. I just didn’t want to do it without you.

You’re still an ass. I didn’t leave you behind, but you’re gone. I can’t be angry, but damn it hurts, and there’s no drug in the world that makes this sort of pain go away.

They gave me your insignia, and I’m leaving it here. This must be the only part of Iowa that isn’t covered by a cornfield. I can see the stars from here, Jim. All of them. The bridge of the Enterprise is the only place I’ve ever seen more. I think you’d like the view. Wherever you are, I’m sure you’re getting in trouble, flirting with everything that moves, bringing your unique charm to unknown dimensions, and exploring where no man has gone before.

I just wish you'd stuck around this time.

Comments

[ariadneelda.livejournal.com]

Oh, this was so sad. And more so towards the end. Poor McCoy. I loved his voice. Full of grief but still snarky and with little touches of humour, so very McCoy. I loved this. A lot.

[mijan.livejournal.com]

Thank you.
♥

[scarlet-malfoy.livejournal.com]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AAAAAAAAAAAAHUUHHHGGHHH!!!!!!

SAD. YOU. This was really quite upsetting, but wonderful. God, Jim... he's just... that's absolutely what he would do. And Bones. I don't want him to be alone.

There aren't words to describe how happy I am that I am now in the fandom that is now musing you. <3

[flwrpwr-vampyre.livejournal.com]

I didn't take my own advice and now I'm trying not to cry. Goddamn you, this is beautiful and heartbreaking.

[mijan.livejournal.com]

*offers tissue*

*huggles*

[kim-cc.livejournal.com]

This made me wibble.

Bones is soo . . . broken here. sniffs

Trying to deal with his Jim being gone and that he couldn't help him; Bones still sounds like he's wandering in a daze just waiting for this to make sense or for himself to wake up and find Jim still there for him.

Kim CC

[thistlerose.livejournal.com]

Oh. This one kind of broke me. Oh, Bones. I love that he's still snarky and sarcastic, but the love and regret shines through anyway. Good job with that.

[24-centuries.livejournal.com]

If I hadn’t been so fucking addicted to you, you obnoxious little space cowboy,

LOL! I love that he calls him that! :D

You never did thank me for that by the way *snip* manners weren’t your thing, Iowa boy

HAHAHA! OMG LOVE! I soooo love your Bones voice! <3!

.....................................

I tried to be gentle with the hypospray that time, but I don’t think you noticed. It didn't help. I couldn't help you that time, Jim.

THAT? Is where I burst into tears! I never read warnings/headers because I hate to be spoiled but ... :((((((((((( Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? :( I didn't stop crying from there out. SPOCK! :(:(:(

I just wish you'd stuck around this time.

DAMN YOU mijan!!! Whyyyyyyy? I came OVER here because I never finished reading that AWESOMESAUCY fic of yours which I started back in AUGUST when I got into Trek again and so I come over here and I'm all "YAY! MASTER LIST! :D WHOO!" and I start with this one.

WHICH IS SO HEART-BREAKING AND SAD AND FUNNY IN THE BEGINNING BEFORE I REALIZED "O HAI DEATH!FIC!" AND NOW IT'S SO MAUDLIN AND OMG I STILL LOVE YOUR BONES VOICE HERE!!! SO PERFECT AND I JUST WANT TO CUDDLE HIM! And possibly suggest that he find comfort in Spock's arms ;D

This is INSANELY GOOD and OMG SO SAD and beautifully written which shocks NO ONE :D

I am now off to bed and all :( but happy that you have a Master List so when semester ends I can devour all those TENS OF THOUSANDS OF WORDS OF FIC UP THERE \m/ :D

[mijan.livejournal.com]

Oh hun, I'm sorry I made you wibble! I'm delighted that you liked the fic, and pleased that it had the impact I was hoping to have on the reader, but... this is a sad fic before bedtime! There are happier ones to read. Try them tomorrow maybe?

*huggles you*

[xingou.livejournal.com]

OMG. I was half way through this before I realized what I was reading and then I was all, NONONONONONO!

I could hear McCoy's voice perfectly in my head saying this for the half that I read though. Well done!

[mijan.livejournal.com]

♥

[devilishdestiny.livejournal.com]

damn it, you're making me want to cry before i have to leave for work!

good writing.

[mijan.livejournal.com]

No crying! There are happy fics you could read instead! Go further up the list! Er... huh. I write a lot of emotionally wrenching stuff, I think. Oops.

But thank you! :)

*offers tissue*

[fgjkl86.livejournal.com]

This is beautiful, and feels so real.

I've never been part of any group, apart from my family (which feels different anyway), that could come close to the intimate interdependence and trust that would inevitably arise on a starship, especially among the command officers we know and love so well. Later incarnations of Star Trek don't quite capture the same feeling as does ToS and, to a small extent (with definite room for development), NuTrek.

Of course the death of one of these characters would be devastating to the others. The idea of McCoy mentally composing this letter to Jim, his captain and friend, rings so true. I choked up at the part where Bones couldn't fix Jim like he'd promised, and then was completely gone at the mention of Spock crying. And of course, Jim had to stay in space. Iowa hadn't been able to contain him for the first part of his life, and it certainly wouldn't be up to the task for the rest of time.

I'm going to have to rewatch all of the original series and then all of the movies, I think.

[mijan.livejournal.com]

I've been with groups that weren't blood-family of mine but that were really tight like that. I was in the Army for seven years. But I imagine the friendship between Jim and Bones to be much closer. And yeah, I imagine it would break Leonard's heart in a way that couldn't be repaired if he were to lose Jim.

I've been re-watching TOS and the movies bit by bit. It's been fun. :)

[coltdancer.livejournal.com]

Oh.

I...really don't know what I can say after that. Except maybe:

Oh.

Let me gather myself. Sort of. This really... hurts, you know? I'm not sure why...I'm still trying to rein in tears and emotion as I figure out how it sits...not well, I can tell you. Such a short piece, and yet it carries such gravity and downright visceral emotions. In its brevity, it reeks of wrong. I think my mind is screaming 'no!', because I've really latched on to these two, and I adore them (even when I brave the more slashy fics, I do!)...and one without the other is just iniquitous. Maybe it's because I know this kind of pain, the loss and the feeling of being lost, maybe it is also just how freakin' talented you are with the proverbial pen.

Damn Reboot. I didn't feel this way about Kirk and McCoy in the old days, no. I was all boo-hooing over Spock's death as a kid, but for some reason, now...anyway.

In my desperate search for Good. Fic. I came back to visit. Even tried to persuade the hubby to read AAtKM when I poured over it once more. (He's very anti-fic...it's not 'canon' in his opinion, PSHAW.) Whatever. :D He's more concerned over my obsession as a whole than the fact that I read fanfic, anyway. I thought most geeky men were supposed to find that 'hawt' or something...

At any rate, don't mind my IP address hopping around once again. I've done it periodically. :)

[mijan.livejournal.com]

Wow... thank you for that. I didn't know people even remembered that I'd written this. Some fics... they're just THERE, and you have to write them, even if it hurts. I re-read the fic just now, and I guess I'm not even immune to it, too. I just see McCoy sitting out there on a slight ridge of a grassy field, on a moonless night, looking up at the stars, feeling this loss that he can't even comprehend. And he can't let Jim go, not completely, so he's talking to Jim aloud in the middle of the night, before leaving Jim's insignia on the ground and walking away. Oh, my boys.

Yeah, I'm kinda addicted to Kirk and McCoy in the reboot as characters. I haven't decided if I like reboot!Spock yet.

Just to let you know, I'm busy working on the sequel to AAtKM now. It'll be posted later this year as a Big Bang entry. There's a prequel in the works, too. And if you can't persuade your husband to give it fanfic a try, no worries. But just remind him that even the published Star Trek novels are really nothing more than fanfiction, and several of the published authors started as fanfic writers. :D

Thank you again, and please stop by anytime! :)

[elfsausage.livejournal.com]

Here I am, come to read at last :-)

And of course I HAD to start with the saddest story first, didn't I? There's a lot of hurty goodness here, bb. I mean, it made me wibble & my eyes go blurry, but it still feels good to read something like this all the same. Don't know why. Maybe because I know that next time I read a story, my favourite boys will be alive & well again.

But I still cried.

It felt so real, and harsh and lonely.

You stayed long enough for me to see you one last time… did you hear me? I tried to say goodbye before you slipped. Did you know I was there? I think you did. God, I hope you did.

I saw a Vulcan cry for the first time in my life that day.

This was the part that broke me. Absolutely beautiful. So much emotion in just a few short sentences. Brilliant.

[mijan.livejournal.com]

Eeep, yeah, you kinda found the heartbreaker story first. Granted, I do seem to have a tendency to write some pretty gut-wrenching things, but this is the only death-fic I've written in this fandom. Still not quite sure what inspired it.

A few people have said the "saw a Vulcan cry" part was the bit that got them. I think the image just hits kinda raw.

I'm glad you liked the story! And thank you for leaving a comment. It brightens my day. ♥

TEARS

[file528.livejournal.com]

OMG

I never cry over stories! NEVER! (except maybe when Dumbeldore died).

But this, this is an AMAZING voice. And it hurts so much to read.
And I can't believe I'm actually crying over this but no poor Bones, poor Spock. Not Kirk D: It's not right, he's not supposed to die. He's such a fucking tragic hero it's fucking insane and incredibly annoying.

Gosh.

Re: TEARS

[mijan.livejournal.com]

*offers tissues*

I'm glad the story had the impact it was supposed to. And yeah, it's like anyone else can die, but not Kirk. And once he's gone, everything just kinda stops.

Thank you for reading. :)

Maybe take a peek at some of my other stuff? There's some less gut-wrenching stories, too.

Re: TEARS

[file528.livejournal.com]

*still grieving*
Thanks for the tissues.
*sniffle*

Oh and...

I've already read the All the King's Men, and let me tell you that it's OUTSTANDING.

Especially all of the scenarios that lead up to the point where Jim confesses everything. It's so natural and I loved it because of that - it wasn't forced at all.

Now excuse me while I go read some more of your Mckirk works.

Re: TEARS

[mijan.livejournal.com]

Oooh, I'm delighted that you've read AAtKM and that you enjoyed it. Just to let you know - I've almost finished writing the sequel for that one. It should be posted sometime next month, with the rest of the Star Trek Big Bang stories.

Re: TEARS

[file528.livejournal.com]

squuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuueeeeeeee >.<

A sequel?!!?

I will most definelty look forward to that! :D

Re: TEARS

[mijan.livejournal.com]

I promised you a sequel, and here it is!

http://mijan.livejournal.com/195579.html

[bandearg-rois.livejournal.com]

um... damn.

I so shouldn't have clicked on this one with the mood I'm in... damn

you didn't get me to cry though, and that's good. It means I'm still normal... shit. there goes a tear dammit

I thought I couldn't cry anymore, really. Dammit.


Okay, I'm a little better now. Bones in this was just so.... and then the part that's really sticking with me is that all he can really remember is that spock cried... and then the last line.


You do good death!fic. I'm just saying.

[mijan.livejournal.com]

Awww... *offers a tissue*

I really don't often write deathfic. In fact, I usually try to avoid it, unless there's a really good reason to write a death into the plot. But I'm glad you thought I handled it well. Thank you, and thanks for taking the time to leave a comment!

And... while I'm happy the fic made you cry (because that means I wrote it with good emotional impact), I'm also sorry I made you cry.
*offers another tissue*