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mijanTitle: “The Harder They Fall” (3/3)
Rating: NC-17
Characters: Kirk, McCoy
Word Count: 18,000
Warnings: Intense, hardcore, and potentially triggery. Complete mind-fuck.
"Part 1”, "Part 2”
*********
Jim slowly blinked his eyes open. The room seemed blurry around him, and he wasn’t sure how he’d ended up on his back. The surface he was laying on was soft, the air was warm, and although he was exhausted, his body felt oddly sated, and he just wanted to rest. There was a motion by his elbow, and he heard the sound of a tricorder nearby. Only a couple of seconds later, a hypospray hissed against his neck.
Grunting in protest, Jim swatted his hand clumsily. “Fuck, Bones... can’t ya... leave a guy alone?”
“Jim!” There was a clattering noise as the tricorder was tossed aside, and suddenly Bones had thrown himself across Jim’s torso, clinging to him tightly. “Goddamn... I’m so sorry... I shouldn’t have... Jesus, Jim... I’m... I didn’t... I’m so sorry.” His voice was so rough, obviously from a sore throat, that it didn’t even sound like him.
Jim squirmed under the added weight of Bones’ arms pressing on him, which made his back ache. “Ow... easy there,” he said, noticing that his voice sounded so weak.
Bones’ head popped up, and his face swam into focus - disheveled hair and haunted eyes - even as his arms were still gripping Jim tightly. “Are you okay, Jim? Talk to me. Can you focus on me?”
“I... I’m okay... it’s...” The sensation of Bones’ hands tight on his biceps broke through the mental fog, and like a slow tidal wave, everything came rushing back. He reached his hand up to clasp Bones’ shoulder, and realized that his hand was shaking. His arm was shaking. “Oh God...”
Suddenly, his whole body was shaking and shivering. The gritty details of the last couple of hours crashed through his mind like shattering glass. The mental image of himself, tied up, beaten, and debauched. The jolts of pain ripping through his body. The unforgiving lashes of the whip in Bones’ hands. The burning shame as his body had responded to everything Bones had done to him, and he’d had no control over any of it. And deep underneath it all, he hadn’t wanted any control.
And it had been Bones. He’d thought so, but he hadn’t let himself fall back on that. They'd both played it true, because that’s what Jim had wanted.
More to the point, he’d asked Bones to do this to him. Begged for it. He’d done this to himself, and he’d gotten exactly what he’d asked for - a brutal onslaught that would take him out of his head. He’d needed something to break through the thick, heavy fatigue that had been weighing on him lately. His failure with the Kobayashi Maru had left him unbalanced, scattered, and unfocused. He hadn’t understood why he was so desperate to take the test again, why he was fixated on it. What the hell was he trying to prove?
He hadn’t expected a real answer - just a temporary escape so he could wallow in the immediacy of the scene and then think about it later when he’d cleared his head. Instead, what he’d gotten was an epiphany like a kick in the gut that had left him reeling, and his abused body and mind were trying to pull it all together in the aftermath and not quite succeeding. Bones was anchoring him, and now he was clinging back like a drowning man with a life raft. Gasping for breath as the full weight of what he’d just experienced crashed over him in wave after wave.
“It’s okay, kid. I’ve got you. Just breathe.” Bones was still holding his arm tightly with one hand, running fingers through his hair with the other, comforting and soothing. “I’ve got you,” he said again. “You’re okay. You’ll be okay.”
“I know, I... oh God.” Jim blinked a few times, flailing weakly with one hand until his fingers found Bones’ arm and gripped it. Bones’ arm was solid and warm underneath his fingers, the one immovable rock in a world that seemed to be spinning out of control around him. He shook his head to himself, then tried to sit up, only to feel the ache in his back redouble and his head spin. “Ouch.”
Bones frowned, and his expression was twisted with concern. “Shh, easy, Jim. Breathe steady, okay? Here, take a few sips of this.”
Bones reached for something off to the side, and a moment later, Jim felt a straw being placed at his lips. He sipped at it automatically - something cool and a bit sweet that tasted faintly like those chewable vitamin supplements he taken as a kid. It was soothing on his throat, and he realized how thirsty he was. When he let go of the straw, Bones nodded and put the cup aside.
“That’s enough for now. But just relax for a minute. You were... I just need to check...” His voice trailed off as he grabbed his tricorder and began scanning.
Despite being shaky and breathless, seeing something so damned normal as Bones with a tricorder almost made Jim grin, despite himself. The peaky look on Bones’ face, however, stopped him. It almost looked like Bones was trying to hide behind his tricorder, carefully avoiding Jim’s gaze. Jim watched as Bones shook his head, grabbed the hypospray again, and snapped a vial into it. Even though he hated those things, he never protested or resisted Bones’ ministrations during aftercare, and Jim obligingly tilted his head sideways and didn’t flinch as Bones pressed it gently against his neck.
Although Jim knew he’d be physically fine without any medical help, and that all his body actually needed was a bit of rest and time for bruises and welts to heal, he also knew that this was the part of aftercare that Bones needed most, for his own sanity. Bones needed to fix what he’d broken, make it right, and take care of everything before he could let himself relax. And if that’s what Bones needed, that was fine by Jim. Within seconds, whatever had been in the hypospray began to work, and Jim felt some of the shaking subside, but Bones didn’t even make eye contact before grabbing the tricorder and scanning again.
Jim took a deep, careful breath to refocus himself. “Hey. Bones.”
But Bones shook his head, frowning fiercely at the small device. “Hold on. I’ve gotta make sure I’ve got you stabilized. I pushed you too far. This is all my fault. Your blood pressure is too low, and --”
“Bones.” Jim reached out and put a hand on the tricorder, slowly pushing it down. “I’m not going to pass out again, so put that thing down for a minute.”
He reluctantly set aside the tricorder, then he grasped Jim’s hand, shaking his head. “My god, Jim, I’m so sorry. I was trying to play the part, and I wasn’t paying close enough attention. I should have realized what was happening. Especially with everything... with what I did to you... can you forgive me?”
“Why should I need to forgive you? I asked you to do it,” Jim insisted, as fervently as he could manage. “You couldn’t have known that I’d pass out. I told you... I had to get out of my head, and it was going to take more than usual to do it this time.”
“There could have been another way, Jim. This scene... it really pushed some limits. Yours, but also mine. I haven’t done anything like this before. I swore I never would. I was... I was always worried that I wouldn’t know the line until I crossed it.” Bones swallowed thickly, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “I’m afraid I crossed that line.”
“You didn’t. I asked you to do whatever you thought it would take to get me there.” He squeezed Bones’ hand. “I needed it.”
Bones grumbled. “I’d say that nobody needs that, but... I understand you, Jim.” He patted Jim’s arm awkwardly, then pulled back, picked up his tricorder again, and resumed scanning. His jaw was clenched, and his eyebrows were deeply furrowed.
Jim sighed in frustration, but had to suppress a grin at the image of Bones treating his tricorder like a damned security blanket. “Bones, I’m fine, okay? But you’re going to put a permanent crease between your eyes.”
“You gave me one long ago, kid.” His voice sounded even rougher than before, and shook his head in agitation. “Most of the games we play, I don’t actually hurt you. This time, I did.”
“True,” Jim admitted. “But it’s okay.”
Bones grunted in reply, but didn’t say anything.
“You know, I... thought it was you... but that was one hell of an act. Ever consider a career in theater?” he asked lightly, hoping to get Bones to relax.
Bones all but dropped the tricorder and stared at Jim in disbelief. “Jim, this wasn’t a goddamned stage performance,” he bit out sharply, obviously not relaxing at all. “I hurt you. I terrified you. I attacked you, drugged you, kidnapped you, tortured and finally raped you.” He took a deep breath. “I kept waiting for you to safeword. I actually hoped you would. Goddammit, I almost tapped out myself. I should have.”
“If you needed to, you could have, Bones. And I would have tapped out if I’d needed to. We negotiated this scene. We’ve been playing these games for almost a year.”
“We’ve never played like this.” Bones was peaky and tight-lipped, and he looked like he needed more help than Jim did just then.
Jim felt something in his heart ache at the remorse on his friend’s face. Bones had put aside his own reservations and had given Jim something that had pushed them both to their limits. It had probably been harder on Bones than it had been on Jim. “Bones. Bones. Stop that. I’m okay. Really.” He reached out a hand and touched Bones’ arm. “Besides, aren’t you the guy who taught me not to feel guilty about my needs?” He gave a sly grin. “Even if they are a little bit out of the ordinary?”
Bones didn’t move for a moment. Then, incrementally, his shoulders relaxed. “Yeah, Jim. I did. Funny thing about doctors... we’re better at giving advice than taking it.” He put aside the tricorder and picked up a dermal regenerator. “Just... let me take care of you for now, okay?”
Jim sighed and offered a resigned smile. “Sure. But lay off the hyposprays, would ya?”
Bones rolled his eyes and grumbled, “Big baby,” then leaned over and held the regen unit against Jim’s neck. The almost visceral memory of the knife Bones had used flashed through Jim’s mind, and the primal surge of fear that had surged through his body as the blade had pressed against his throat came racing back. The warm vibration in his skin from the regenerator was usually soothing, but the vulnerability of having something near his throat made him flinch. Instantly, Bones withdrew the device and sat back.
“Jim? Are you okay?”
Running his tongue over dry lips, Jim nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, I just remembered how I got that scratch. Knives are some scary shit.”
“I can heal that later and work on the other marks,” Bones said, his voice carefully neutral.
“No, it’s okay. I’m ready for it now. I just needed... it’s okay. Go ahead.”
Bones pressed his mouth into a thin line - that look he got when he wanted to say something but wouldn’t - and then leaned back in to resume his work. Jim felt his heart beat just a little bit faster until Bones withdrew the regen unit from his neck. Then, without pausing to speak, he reached for Jim’s hand and began working the device around the raw, red ligature marks on his wrists. Jim shivered slightly at the touch.
Really, he liked watching Bones work. He liked those moments when he was the center of Bones’ attention - as long as it didn’t involve hyposprays or verbose lectures regarding his own recklessness. He liked the way his stomach still fluttered just a little bit at the idea of Bones taking care of him. On the other hand, Jim didn’t like the way Bones looked so bleak and guilty this time. As Bones worked, some of the guilt on his face faded, and the familiar look of concentration took over his expression.
Finally, Jim looked away and glanced around the room, only now taking in his surroundings properly for the first time.
The room was sparse, and maybe five by five meters at the most. A table with Bones’ duffel bag of “toys” sat nearby. On the far wall was a set of shackles, a St. Andrew’s Cross, and a spanking bench that had been pushed out of the way. In the center of the room, a couple of ropes dangled from a sturdy cross-beam, and based on the way the ends were frayed, they’d been hastily severed. Mostly, the room was empty, with smooth surfaces. Meant to feel like a dungeon. Jim was lying on the one piece of normal furniture in the room - a leather couch draped in a soft blanket.
“We’re at Balls and Chains, aren’t we?”
Bones nodded, still focusing on his work healing Jim’s wrists. “They were willing to host this scene for me because of all the times I’ve patched up some of their clients under-the-table. And they know us well enough to trust that I wasn’t actually abducting and torturing you against your will. Ted helped me get you here.”
“Smooth, Bones.” Jim grunted as the ache in his back started to throb again, and he made a move to roll onto his front, but Bones stopped him.
“Easy, Jim... I’ll get to those in a minute.” He splayed a warm hand across Jim’s chest. “I couldn’t put you on your stomach while you were unconscious, and I’d rather wait until your blood pressure has been stable for a bit longer before I flip you over.” He shook his head, and an affectionate, chiding grin finally peeked through his mask of guilt. “After all this time I’ve trained you to breathe properly through a scene, you went and choked up on me.”
“See? Told ya it wasn’t your fault,” Jim said, pretending not to be as sheepish as he really felt. “You know,” he mused, “I wasn’t sure whether or not you’d play this scene anonymously.”
“It seemed like the only way to do it,” Bones grumbled, not stopping his work. “I thought if you weren’t completely sure whether or not it was me... at least when we started... then it would be more effective. So I tried to throw you off with that message I sent earlier.” He sighed deeply. “If it looked like it was routed through Starfleet Medical, I figured you’d think I was still there. And then, I didn’t send you any voice comms all week after I caught that sore throat going around campus. If it made it harder to recognize my voice here, I thought it might seem more real.”
Jim furrowed his eyebrows together, then remembered the message he’d received just moments before Bones had set everything in motion. “It did.” He twisted his lips thoughtfully. “That was... really creative. And you were right. It was more effective. You really thought this through.”
Bones merely grumbled noncommittally and switched to Jim’s other wrist. He still looked a bit uncomfortable, and Jim kept quiet, playing the part of the good patient, hoping it would help Bones settle down a bit. Finally, Bones settled Jim’s hand back down on the couch with a gentle pat. Jim started to flip over for him, but Bones held him back. “We’ll get to your back in a minute. Just let me just get those little punctures first.”
Jim nodded and followed Bones’ hands as he quickly ran the regen unit over the tiny pinpricks on his chest, arms, and thighs. “Those things were brutal, Bones. What the hell were they?”
“You’d be surprised,” he said, and reached to side. When he held his hand up, there was only the tiniest sliver of metal pinched between his fingers, barely a centimeter long, with a round disk at its base, perpendicular to the needle.
Jim let his mouth fall open. “That’s it? Those tiny little things? It felt like you were stabbing me with a set of Klingon cutlery!”
It was Bones’ turn to look sheepish, but he actually seemed just a little bit proud of himself. “The drug I used on you is something we use on patients with numbness from nerve damage. It’s short-acting, and causes increased sensitivity and nerve function so that we can begin physical therapy sooner. And the electrodes are for testing nerve conductivity. So when I combined the two, it made even the mildest electrical pulse feel much more potent. That way, I could produce some really strong effects without the risk of damage from the electrical current.”
Jim actually laughed. He should have known Bones would use a fancy trick like that. “Strong effects... yeah. That’s one word for it. I thought you were going to electrocute me.”
Bones gave Jim a sincere look. “I’d never put you at risk, kid.”
“I know.” He squirmed as Bones withdrew the regen unit from the last tiny puncture mark, leaving nothing but smooth, whole skin behind. “But you hit me with the whip before you drugged me. So... did you really go that hard?”
The sheepish grin turned into something deeply apologetic and almost painful. “Yeah. I did. And yes, it broke skin. Oh for God’s sake, don’t look so pleased with yourself. Damn masochist. You’re getting a dose of antibiotics after I patch you up.”
“Whatever you say, Doctor.”
Bones scowled at him, but Jim knew Bones’ bizarre quirks of affection well enough. “Okay, let’s take a look at your back. Here... give me your hand. Easy there.”
Carefully, Bones levered Jim up and helped him ease over onto his stomach. A moment later, the regen unit was humming away over his back, and Jim let himself physically relax, turning his head sideways to watch Bones as he worked. It didn’t take long for Bones to notice that Jim was studying his every movement. With a sigh, he laid a warm hand on Jim’s shoulder and began rubbing gently but firmly.
“Just a few minutes of this, kid. I’ll re-treat the deep ones later to get the last of the damage.”
“Leave the ones that didn’t break skin.”
“I thought you said you didn’t want a trace.”
Jim shrugged, feeling the deep ache of the damaged skin and tissue on his back. “Changed my mind. I want a reminder.”
Bones raised a curious eyebrow. “Oh?” It was an open-ended question, something he often did when he knew that Jim just needed to talk.
“I... think I really got what I needed out of this. More than I’d expected when I asked you to do it.” He swallowed against the dryness in his throat. “I went in needing to get out of my head, but I also knew that if I was going to keep trying to push limits like this... standing out... that I’d need to know what I was fighting for. Why I was doing it. Had to test my... my conviction, I guess.”
Bones nodded. “I thought you were saying something just before you passed out. Want to share your revelation?”
“I realized,” Jim said softly, “that I wasn’t doing it for myself.”
“Really now, Mr. Golden Pedestal?” His tone was sarcastic, but not cutting. It was actually a gentle invitation, if a teasing one.
Jim licked his lips, nodding slowly. “Yeah, really. I want to be a leader someday, but the reason I’m doing this shit now is to make sure I’m ready for anything later... so I can take care of the people I’m leading. Because...” He cleared his throat roughly. “Because I really do care about them, Bones.”
“I know you do, kid.”
“No, you don’t,” Jim said, thoughtfully, carefully. “I didn’t know it myself, but... I get it now. And I know why I was so furious when the Maru blew up on the simulator screen. All those people, Bones! And I was responsible for them.”
“It was just a simulation, Jim.”
Jim raised his head and looked at Bones until he met his gaze. “Someday, it won’t be.”
Slowly, Bones nodded, then turned back to begin working the dermal regenerator again.
Jim settled back down so Bones had easier access to his back, resting his chin on his folded arms and staring blankly at the wall. “I want... I guess I want people to trust that I can handle any situation. But first, I need to trust myself. Test myself. I think that’s why I keep sticking my neck out.”
“What do you mean?”
“If I test myself against everything I possibly can... even if it’s beyond anything I’ll actually need to do... then I know I can handle anything when the shit really hits the fan. Then I can trust myself to lead.”
He let out a slow breath, sinking deeper into the sofa cushions as the warmth of the regen unit soaked into his abused flesh. “That’s why I need to beat the Kobayashi Maru, Bones. Everyone’s going to think it’s just because I can’t leave well enough alone, and that I just need to show off. Okay, so maybe that’s a little bit true. But seriously, I need to know that I can think outside the box, and that I won’t quit until I solve every problem. If I give up on something now, in training, will I give up when it really matters? When there are lives at risk?”
“I don’t think you’d give up on people, Jim. I don’t think you know how to give up.”
“I hope you’re right,” Jim said, then glanced up to meet Bones’ gaze. “Because I realized... I care about them. Not just...” He paused, realizing he didn’t quite have the words for it. Nothing adequate anyway. There were no words he could use to describe why he’d been completely crushed after failing the Maru the first time, or the fierce sense of protectiveness that had welled up in him when he’d suddenly understood it for himself. No words to describe the split second when he’d realized it hadn’t been about winning for his own accolades. When he’d really known what the burden of command would ask of him, and just how desperately he was willing to give it. “I just... I really fucking care about them.”
A smile crept across Bones’ face. “Jim... I know.”
Jim felt his cheeks flush. “Oh.”
“Yeah, kid.” Bones turned back to his work, focusing on the dermal regenerator and the welts on Jim’s back, but he reached out with his other hand and squeezed Jim's shoulder. “I know.”
Jim nodded, then rested his head on his arms again, and sighed. “I also needed to remember that I’m nothing special.”
“You are -”
“That is,” Jim continued right over him, “I’m nothing special by myself.” A smile tugged the corners of his mouth, and he felt a familiar wave of heat behind his eyes. “But... I’m not in this alone.”
Bones nodded slowly. “You’ve got Nova Squadron. You’ve got your hand-to-hand team. The Xenolinguistics Club... even though I swear Cadet Uhura is going to twist your cock into a pretzel someday if she decides you’ve looked at her the wrong way.”
“Ooh, kinky. Maybe I should tempt fate there and see if she’ll do it.”
With a dramatic eye-roll, Bones grumbled, “Masochistic brat.”
“Yeah. But I wasn’t just talking about them.” Jim propped himself up on one elbow, ignoring the ache the movement caused through his back. “I meant you.”
Bones, who’d looked like he was about to protest and demand that Jim lie back down so he could finish the regen session, froze. “Jim?” he said vaguely.
“Bones, you were willing to push past all your limits and do this for me - to me - because I asked you to. You’ve saved my life. I’ve saved yours. There’s nobody else in the galaxy I’d want backing me up... or beating me up. If I’ve got you, then I know I’m not in this alone.” He licked his lips, which suddenly seemed too dry. He and Bones were close, sharing a unique friendship that they’d never bothered to define or limit. But they didn’t usually talk about feelings. Not like this. He didn’t really have the words for it, but he had to make sure Bones understood. “I know you care about me.”
Bones eyes widened, just a little bit, in surprise at such a plain statement. He nodded his comprehension. “I do, Jim. And you care, too.”
“About you,” Jim confirmed. “But also about them.” He tilted his head. “Everyone else. You took care of me, and I want to be able to repay the favor. And to be able to take care of everyone else when the time comes. But I have to be sure that I can, Bones.” He nodded to himself. “So I’ve decided... I’m definitely going to take the test again.”
“You’re really going to go back for seconds?”
“Yeah.”
Bones sighed in resignation. “It’s the goddamned Kobayashi Maru, Jim. That takes a special kind of masochism.”
“Then I’m perfect for the job.”
With a soft chuckle, Bones ruffled Jim’s hair. “Nobody’s ever beaten that test. Nobody’s supposed to beat it.”
“And nobody believed the faster-than-light travel was possible until Cochrane did it. Bones, the only difference between good men and great men is that the great ones didn’t give up when someone told them that something couldn’t be done. The great ones... they made the hard decisions - to find a different answer, to keep pushing themselves, or to put everything on the line for something bigger.”
The regenerator stopped humming, and a second later, Bones leaned on the edge of the sofa cushion, his face inches away from Jim’s. “So... you think you’re great, huh?”
Without hesitation, Jim shook his head. “No. But I want to be.”
Slowly, a smile curled one corner of Bones’ mouth into something affectionate and resigned at once. “You know, Jim... I think you will be.” He reached up and pulled down the blanket that was draped over the back of the couch, spreading it over Jim’s legs and up to his shoulders.
The room was warm enough, but the soft weight of the blanket seemed to settle all the way through Jim’s body, and he realized how exhausted he was from the scene. He closed his eyes and settled his head deeper into the folds of his arms. “Mmm... how long until we have to be out of here?”
“The manager owed me a favor. We’ve got it all night if you need it.”
“Nah,” Jim mumbled sleepily. “I just need a little while... maybe a half hour.”
“Only if your blood pressure is back up. I don’t need you passing out on the curb while we wait for the transport car.”
“Yes, Mom.”
Bones gave an exasperated snort. “You’re impossible.”
“Yeah. But seriously, I’d like to get back to campus.”
“Comfortable territory?”
Jim nodded.
“Okay. Then you’re staying in my room tonight,” Bones said firmly.
“Ooh, cozy. Breakfast in bed?”
Bones rolled his eyes. “Cheeky brat. Jim, you’re going to be an emotional mess tomorrow morning.”
Jim let his shoulders slump in resignation. “You know me too well, Bones.” He shook his head to himself and took a deep breath. “I know I haven’t really processed this yet. And yeah, I’m probably going to hit an emotional crash later. But it’s fine. I expected it.”
Bones grumbled deep in his throat and gave Jim an unreadable look.
Jim frowned. “Hey, are you okay?”
The look resolved into a pained grimace. “Mostly.”
“What is it?”
“Jim...” He sighed. “I did this because I want to give you what you need. I like giving you what you need. But... for the same reason... it hurt me to do this to ya, kid. I’m probably going to crash, too. Just... stick around this weekend, okay?”
Jim took in the stress lines around Bones eyes, and the tense press of his lips. Bones was a man who seldom asked for anything. Usually, after a scene, if he needed to cope with his own emotional aftermath, he’d keep his sanity by doting on Jim and checking vital signs like a nervous habit. And Jim would be a good patient and let him. It was the way they worked. The balance between them was complicated, rough around the edges, but intense and trusting. And they knew each other. So Jim knew that when Bones asked for something, he really, really needed it.
“I will, Bones. No problem. But... why?”
Bones opened his mouth, then closed it quickly and shook his head for a moment. When he spoke, his tone was subdued. “I just need to make sure I didn’t... that it’s okay. That you’re okay.” He coughed once. “That we’re okay.”
Oh. “We’re okay, Bones. We’re okay.”
A small smile, broken but hopeful, tugged the corners of Bones’ mouth. “Close your eyes, kid. Rest for a little while. Then we’ll head home.”
With a contented sigh and a nod, Jim closed his eyes and let his body relax deeper into the sofa cushions. A warm hand settled on his shoulder and began rubbing the length of his back through the blanket. The duller stings from the whip marks that Bones hadn’t healed sent a satisfying ache through him, riding on the back of the intense endorphin high that hadn’t quite worn off. Bones’ other hand reached up and gripped his arm.
Jim let himself give an appreciative sigh. “Thanks, Bones. For everything.”
“You’re welcome, kid.”
That night, if Jim found himself waking up on Bones’ couch with a start, heart pounding and muscles trembling, it was nobody else’s business. And if Bones woke up when Jim cried out, and then physically dragged him from the couch back to his bed even though it really wasn’t big enough for two grown men, it was only natural. If Bones got upset with himself during the night for what he’d done, Jim didn’t see the tears in the darkened room, and the sniffling could have been the remnants of the cold bug, even though he knew better. If they woke up in the morning with their arms and legs tangled together, it wasn’t their fault that the bed was too small.
If Jim returned to his classes with refreshed determination and a clear head, it was easy to wink at his classmates and hint at a good time he had last Friday. And if he snuck back to Bones’ room after class to wait for him with a bag of Chinese takeout, a pack of ice cold beer, and a warm embrace, then that’s what any guy would do if his best friend was having a rough time. And if Jim lied that his roommate snored too much so that Bones wouldn’t have to ask him to stay, it was a fair lie because Bones could see right through it and that was fine with both of them.
And then, when Bones showed up at Training Sim Facility Two a few weeks later, waiting to catch Jim as he marched out of his second failure at the Kobayashi Maru, it felt right. And if Jim wasn’t upset because he’d once again failed to beat the test, that was because he knew that it was only over when he gave up. And when he figured out how to crack the test months later after serving as bridge crew for someone else’s run at the Maru, he knew that Bones would be there to see him when he finally proved to himself, and the world, that he really was ready to take on anything.
*********
~FIN~
Rating: NC-17
Characters: Kirk, McCoy
Word Count: 18,000
Warnings: Intense, hardcore, and potentially triggery. Complete mind-fuck.
"Part 1”, "Part 2”
Jim slowly blinked his eyes open. The room seemed blurry around him, and he wasn’t sure how he’d ended up on his back. The surface he was laying on was soft, the air was warm, and although he was exhausted, his body felt oddly sated, and he just wanted to rest. There was a motion by his elbow, and he heard the sound of a tricorder nearby. Only a couple of seconds later, a hypospray hissed against his neck.
Grunting in protest, Jim swatted his hand clumsily. “Fuck, Bones... can’t ya... leave a guy alone?”
“Jim!” There was a clattering noise as the tricorder was tossed aside, and suddenly Bones had thrown himself across Jim’s torso, clinging to him tightly. “Goddamn... I’m so sorry... I shouldn’t have... Jesus, Jim... I’m... I didn’t... I’m so sorry.” His voice was so rough, obviously from a sore throat, that it didn’t even sound like him.
Jim squirmed under the added weight of Bones’ arms pressing on him, which made his back ache. “Ow... easy there,” he said, noticing that his voice sounded so weak.
Bones’ head popped up, and his face swam into focus - disheveled hair and haunted eyes - even as his arms were still gripping Jim tightly. “Are you okay, Jim? Talk to me. Can you focus on me?”
“I... I’m okay... it’s...” The sensation of Bones’ hands tight on his biceps broke through the mental fog, and like a slow tidal wave, everything came rushing back. He reached his hand up to clasp Bones’ shoulder, and realized that his hand was shaking. His arm was shaking. “Oh God...”
Suddenly, his whole body was shaking and shivering. The gritty details of the last couple of hours crashed through his mind like shattering glass. The mental image of himself, tied up, beaten, and debauched. The jolts of pain ripping through his body. The unforgiving lashes of the whip in Bones’ hands. The burning shame as his body had responded to everything Bones had done to him, and he’d had no control over any of it. And deep underneath it all, he hadn’t wanted any control.
And it had been Bones. He’d thought so, but he hadn’t let himself fall back on that. They'd both played it true, because that’s what Jim had wanted.
More to the point, he’d asked Bones to do this to him. Begged for it. He’d done this to himself, and he’d gotten exactly what he’d asked for - a brutal onslaught that would take him out of his head. He’d needed something to break through the thick, heavy fatigue that had been weighing on him lately. His failure with the Kobayashi Maru had left him unbalanced, scattered, and unfocused. He hadn’t understood why he was so desperate to take the test again, why he was fixated on it. What the hell was he trying to prove?
He hadn’t expected a real answer - just a temporary escape so he could wallow in the immediacy of the scene and then think about it later when he’d cleared his head. Instead, what he’d gotten was an epiphany like a kick in the gut that had left him reeling, and his abused body and mind were trying to pull it all together in the aftermath and not quite succeeding. Bones was anchoring him, and now he was clinging back like a drowning man with a life raft. Gasping for breath as the full weight of what he’d just experienced crashed over him in wave after wave.
“It’s okay, kid. I’ve got you. Just breathe.” Bones was still holding his arm tightly with one hand, running fingers through his hair with the other, comforting and soothing. “I’ve got you,” he said again. “You’re okay. You’ll be okay.”
“I know, I... oh God.” Jim blinked a few times, flailing weakly with one hand until his fingers found Bones’ arm and gripped it. Bones’ arm was solid and warm underneath his fingers, the one immovable rock in a world that seemed to be spinning out of control around him. He shook his head to himself, then tried to sit up, only to feel the ache in his back redouble and his head spin. “Ouch.”
Bones frowned, and his expression was twisted with concern. “Shh, easy, Jim. Breathe steady, okay? Here, take a few sips of this.”
Bones reached for something off to the side, and a moment later, Jim felt a straw being placed at his lips. He sipped at it automatically - something cool and a bit sweet that tasted faintly like those chewable vitamin supplements he taken as a kid. It was soothing on his throat, and he realized how thirsty he was. When he let go of the straw, Bones nodded and put the cup aside.
“That’s enough for now. But just relax for a minute. You were... I just need to check...” His voice trailed off as he grabbed his tricorder and began scanning.
Despite being shaky and breathless, seeing something so damned normal as Bones with a tricorder almost made Jim grin, despite himself. The peaky look on Bones’ face, however, stopped him. It almost looked like Bones was trying to hide behind his tricorder, carefully avoiding Jim’s gaze. Jim watched as Bones shook his head, grabbed the hypospray again, and snapped a vial into it. Even though he hated those things, he never protested or resisted Bones’ ministrations during aftercare, and Jim obligingly tilted his head sideways and didn’t flinch as Bones pressed it gently against his neck.
Although Jim knew he’d be physically fine without any medical help, and that all his body actually needed was a bit of rest and time for bruises and welts to heal, he also knew that this was the part of aftercare that Bones needed most, for his own sanity. Bones needed to fix what he’d broken, make it right, and take care of everything before he could let himself relax. And if that’s what Bones needed, that was fine by Jim. Within seconds, whatever had been in the hypospray began to work, and Jim felt some of the shaking subside, but Bones didn’t even make eye contact before grabbing the tricorder and scanning again.
Jim took a deep, careful breath to refocus himself. “Hey. Bones.”
But Bones shook his head, frowning fiercely at the small device. “Hold on. I’ve gotta make sure I’ve got you stabilized. I pushed you too far. This is all my fault. Your blood pressure is too low, and --”
“Bones.” Jim reached out and put a hand on the tricorder, slowly pushing it down. “I’m not going to pass out again, so put that thing down for a minute.”
He reluctantly set aside the tricorder, then he grasped Jim’s hand, shaking his head. “My god, Jim, I’m so sorry. I was trying to play the part, and I wasn’t paying close enough attention. I should have realized what was happening. Especially with everything... with what I did to you... can you forgive me?”
“Why should I need to forgive you? I asked you to do it,” Jim insisted, as fervently as he could manage. “You couldn’t have known that I’d pass out. I told you... I had to get out of my head, and it was going to take more than usual to do it this time.”
“There could have been another way, Jim. This scene... it really pushed some limits. Yours, but also mine. I haven’t done anything like this before. I swore I never would. I was... I was always worried that I wouldn’t know the line until I crossed it.” Bones swallowed thickly, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “I’m afraid I crossed that line.”
“You didn’t. I asked you to do whatever you thought it would take to get me there.” He squeezed Bones’ hand. “I needed it.”
Bones grumbled. “I’d say that nobody needs that, but... I understand you, Jim.” He patted Jim’s arm awkwardly, then pulled back, picked up his tricorder again, and resumed scanning. His jaw was clenched, and his eyebrows were deeply furrowed.
Jim sighed in frustration, but had to suppress a grin at the image of Bones treating his tricorder like a damned security blanket. “Bones, I’m fine, okay? But you’re going to put a permanent crease between your eyes.”
“You gave me one long ago, kid.” His voice sounded even rougher than before, and shook his head in agitation. “Most of the games we play, I don’t actually hurt you. This time, I did.”
“True,” Jim admitted. “But it’s okay.”
Bones grunted in reply, but didn’t say anything.
“You know, I... thought it was you... but that was one hell of an act. Ever consider a career in theater?” he asked lightly, hoping to get Bones to relax.
Bones all but dropped the tricorder and stared at Jim in disbelief. “Jim, this wasn’t a goddamned stage performance,” he bit out sharply, obviously not relaxing at all. “I hurt you. I terrified you. I attacked you, drugged you, kidnapped you, tortured and finally raped you.” He took a deep breath. “I kept waiting for you to safeword. I actually hoped you would. Goddammit, I almost tapped out myself. I should have.”
“If you needed to, you could have, Bones. And I would have tapped out if I’d needed to. We negotiated this scene. We’ve been playing these games for almost a year.”
“We’ve never played like this.” Bones was peaky and tight-lipped, and he looked like he needed more help than Jim did just then.
Jim felt something in his heart ache at the remorse on his friend’s face. Bones had put aside his own reservations and had given Jim something that had pushed them both to their limits. It had probably been harder on Bones than it had been on Jim. “Bones. Bones. Stop that. I’m okay. Really.” He reached out a hand and touched Bones’ arm. “Besides, aren’t you the guy who taught me not to feel guilty about my needs?” He gave a sly grin. “Even if they are a little bit out of the ordinary?”
Bones didn’t move for a moment. Then, incrementally, his shoulders relaxed. “Yeah, Jim. I did. Funny thing about doctors... we’re better at giving advice than taking it.” He put aside the tricorder and picked up a dermal regenerator. “Just... let me take care of you for now, okay?”
Jim sighed and offered a resigned smile. “Sure. But lay off the hyposprays, would ya?”
Bones rolled his eyes and grumbled, “Big baby,” then leaned over and held the regen unit against Jim’s neck. The almost visceral memory of the knife Bones had used flashed through Jim’s mind, and the primal surge of fear that had surged through his body as the blade had pressed against his throat came racing back. The warm vibration in his skin from the regenerator was usually soothing, but the vulnerability of having something near his throat made him flinch. Instantly, Bones withdrew the device and sat back.
“Jim? Are you okay?”
Running his tongue over dry lips, Jim nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, I just remembered how I got that scratch. Knives are some scary shit.”
“I can heal that later and work on the other marks,” Bones said, his voice carefully neutral.
“No, it’s okay. I’m ready for it now. I just needed... it’s okay. Go ahead.”
Bones pressed his mouth into a thin line - that look he got when he wanted to say something but wouldn’t - and then leaned back in to resume his work. Jim felt his heart beat just a little bit faster until Bones withdrew the regen unit from his neck. Then, without pausing to speak, he reached for Jim’s hand and began working the device around the raw, red ligature marks on his wrists. Jim shivered slightly at the touch.
Really, he liked watching Bones work. He liked those moments when he was the center of Bones’ attention - as long as it didn’t involve hyposprays or verbose lectures regarding his own recklessness. He liked the way his stomach still fluttered just a little bit at the idea of Bones taking care of him. On the other hand, Jim didn’t like the way Bones looked so bleak and guilty this time. As Bones worked, some of the guilt on his face faded, and the familiar look of concentration took over his expression.
Finally, Jim looked away and glanced around the room, only now taking in his surroundings properly for the first time.
The room was sparse, and maybe five by five meters at the most. A table with Bones’ duffel bag of “toys” sat nearby. On the far wall was a set of shackles, a St. Andrew’s Cross, and a spanking bench that had been pushed out of the way. In the center of the room, a couple of ropes dangled from a sturdy cross-beam, and based on the way the ends were frayed, they’d been hastily severed. Mostly, the room was empty, with smooth surfaces. Meant to feel like a dungeon. Jim was lying on the one piece of normal furniture in the room - a leather couch draped in a soft blanket.
“We’re at Balls and Chains, aren’t we?”
Bones nodded, still focusing on his work healing Jim’s wrists. “They were willing to host this scene for me because of all the times I’ve patched up some of their clients under-the-table. And they know us well enough to trust that I wasn’t actually abducting and torturing you against your will. Ted helped me get you here.”
“Smooth, Bones.” Jim grunted as the ache in his back started to throb again, and he made a move to roll onto his front, but Bones stopped him.
“Easy, Jim... I’ll get to those in a minute.” He splayed a warm hand across Jim’s chest. “I couldn’t put you on your stomach while you were unconscious, and I’d rather wait until your blood pressure has been stable for a bit longer before I flip you over.” He shook his head, and an affectionate, chiding grin finally peeked through his mask of guilt. “After all this time I’ve trained you to breathe properly through a scene, you went and choked up on me.”
“See? Told ya it wasn’t your fault,” Jim said, pretending not to be as sheepish as he really felt. “You know,” he mused, “I wasn’t sure whether or not you’d play this scene anonymously.”
“It seemed like the only way to do it,” Bones grumbled, not stopping his work. “I thought if you weren’t completely sure whether or not it was me... at least when we started... then it would be more effective. So I tried to throw you off with that message I sent earlier.” He sighed deeply. “If it looked like it was routed through Starfleet Medical, I figured you’d think I was still there. And then, I didn’t send you any voice comms all week after I caught that sore throat going around campus. If it made it harder to recognize my voice here, I thought it might seem more real.”
Jim furrowed his eyebrows together, then remembered the message he’d received just moments before Bones had set everything in motion. “It did.” He twisted his lips thoughtfully. “That was... really creative. And you were right. It was more effective. You really thought this through.”
Bones merely grumbled noncommittally and switched to Jim’s other wrist. He still looked a bit uncomfortable, and Jim kept quiet, playing the part of the good patient, hoping it would help Bones settle down a bit. Finally, Bones settled Jim’s hand back down on the couch with a gentle pat. Jim started to flip over for him, but Bones held him back. “We’ll get to your back in a minute. Just let me just get those little punctures first.”
Jim nodded and followed Bones’ hands as he quickly ran the regen unit over the tiny pinpricks on his chest, arms, and thighs. “Those things were brutal, Bones. What the hell were they?”
“You’d be surprised,” he said, and reached to side. When he held his hand up, there was only the tiniest sliver of metal pinched between his fingers, barely a centimeter long, with a round disk at its base, perpendicular to the needle.
Jim let his mouth fall open. “That’s it? Those tiny little things? It felt like you were stabbing me with a set of Klingon cutlery!”
It was Bones’ turn to look sheepish, but he actually seemed just a little bit proud of himself. “The drug I used on you is something we use on patients with numbness from nerve damage. It’s short-acting, and causes increased sensitivity and nerve function so that we can begin physical therapy sooner. And the electrodes are for testing nerve conductivity. So when I combined the two, it made even the mildest electrical pulse feel much more potent. That way, I could produce some really strong effects without the risk of damage from the electrical current.”
Jim actually laughed. He should have known Bones would use a fancy trick like that. “Strong effects... yeah. That’s one word for it. I thought you were going to electrocute me.”
Bones gave Jim a sincere look. “I’d never put you at risk, kid.”
“I know.” He squirmed as Bones withdrew the regen unit from the last tiny puncture mark, leaving nothing but smooth, whole skin behind. “But you hit me with the whip before you drugged me. So... did you really go that hard?”
The sheepish grin turned into something deeply apologetic and almost painful. “Yeah. I did. And yes, it broke skin. Oh for God’s sake, don’t look so pleased with yourself. Damn masochist. You’re getting a dose of antibiotics after I patch you up.”
“Whatever you say, Doctor.”
Bones scowled at him, but Jim knew Bones’ bizarre quirks of affection well enough. “Okay, let’s take a look at your back. Here... give me your hand. Easy there.”
Carefully, Bones levered Jim up and helped him ease over onto his stomach. A moment later, the regen unit was humming away over his back, and Jim let himself physically relax, turning his head sideways to watch Bones as he worked. It didn’t take long for Bones to notice that Jim was studying his every movement. With a sigh, he laid a warm hand on Jim’s shoulder and began rubbing gently but firmly.
“Just a few minutes of this, kid. I’ll re-treat the deep ones later to get the last of the damage.”
“Leave the ones that didn’t break skin.”
“I thought you said you didn’t want a trace.”
Jim shrugged, feeling the deep ache of the damaged skin and tissue on his back. “Changed my mind. I want a reminder.”
Bones raised a curious eyebrow. “Oh?” It was an open-ended question, something he often did when he knew that Jim just needed to talk.
“I... think I really got what I needed out of this. More than I’d expected when I asked you to do it.” He swallowed against the dryness in his throat. “I went in needing to get out of my head, but I also knew that if I was going to keep trying to push limits like this... standing out... that I’d need to know what I was fighting for. Why I was doing it. Had to test my... my conviction, I guess.”
Bones nodded. “I thought you were saying something just before you passed out. Want to share your revelation?”
“I realized,” Jim said softly, “that I wasn’t doing it for myself.”
“Really now, Mr. Golden Pedestal?” His tone was sarcastic, but not cutting. It was actually a gentle invitation, if a teasing one.
Jim licked his lips, nodding slowly. “Yeah, really. I want to be a leader someday, but the reason I’m doing this shit now is to make sure I’m ready for anything later... so I can take care of the people I’m leading. Because...” He cleared his throat roughly. “Because I really do care about them, Bones.”
“I know you do, kid.”
“No, you don’t,” Jim said, thoughtfully, carefully. “I didn’t know it myself, but... I get it now. And I know why I was so furious when the Maru blew up on the simulator screen. All those people, Bones! And I was responsible for them.”
“It was just a simulation, Jim.”
Jim raised his head and looked at Bones until he met his gaze. “Someday, it won’t be.”
Slowly, Bones nodded, then turned back to begin working the dermal regenerator again.
Jim settled back down so Bones had easier access to his back, resting his chin on his folded arms and staring blankly at the wall. “I want... I guess I want people to trust that I can handle any situation. But first, I need to trust myself. Test myself. I think that’s why I keep sticking my neck out.”
“What do you mean?”
“If I test myself against everything I possibly can... even if it’s beyond anything I’ll actually need to do... then I know I can handle anything when the shit really hits the fan. Then I can trust myself to lead.”
He let out a slow breath, sinking deeper into the sofa cushions as the warmth of the regen unit soaked into his abused flesh. “That’s why I need to beat the Kobayashi Maru, Bones. Everyone’s going to think it’s just because I can’t leave well enough alone, and that I just need to show off. Okay, so maybe that’s a little bit true. But seriously, I need to know that I can think outside the box, and that I won’t quit until I solve every problem. If I give up on something now, in training, will I give up when it really matters? When there are lives at risk?”
“I don’t think you’d give up on people, Jim. I don’t think you know how to give up.”
“I hope you’re right,” Jim said, then glanced up to meet Bones’ gaze. “Because I realized... I care about them. Not just...” He paused, realizing he didn’t quite have the words for it. Nothing adequate anyway. There were no words he could use to describe why he’d been completely crushed after failing the Maru the first time, or the fierce sense of protectiveness that had welled up in him when he’d suddenly understood it for himself. No words to describe the split second when he’d realized it hadn’t been about winning for his own accolades. When he’d really known what the burden of command would ask of him, and just how desperately he was willing to give it. “I just... I really fucking care about them.”
A smile crept across Bones’ face. “Jim... I know.”
Jim felt his cheeks flush. “Oh.”
“Yeah, kid.” Bones turned back to his work, focusing on the dermal regenerator and the welts on Jim’s back, but he reached out with his other hand and squeezed Jim's shoulder. “I know.”
Jim nodded, then rested his head on his arms again, and sighed. “I also needed to remember that I’m nothing special.”
“You are -”
“That is,” Jim continued right over him, “I’m nothing special by myself.” A smile tugged the corners of his mouth, and he felt a familiar wave of heat behind his eyes. “But... I’m not in this alone.”
Bones nodded slowly. “You’ve got Nova Squadron. You’ve got your hand-to-hand team. The Xenolinguistics Club... even though I swear Cadet Uhura is going to twist your cock into a pretzel someday if she decides you’ve looked at her the wrong way.”
“Ooh, kinky. Maybe I should tempt fate there and see if she’ll do it.”
With a dramatic eye-roll, Bones grumbled, “Masochistic brat.”
“Yeah. But I wasn’t just talking about them.” Jim propped himself up on one elbow, ignoring the ache the movement caused through his back. “I meant you.”
Bones, who’d looked like he was about to protest and demand that Jim lie back down so he could finish the regen session, froze. “Jim?” he said vaguely.
“Bones, you were willing to push past all your limits and do this for me - to me - because I asked you to. You’ve saved my life. I’ve saved yours. There’s nobody else in the galaxy I’d want backing me up... or beating me up. If I’ve got you, then I know I’m not in this alone.” He licked his lips, which suddenly seemed too dry. He and Bones were close, sharing a unique friendship that they’d never bothered to define or limit. But they didn’t usually talk about feelings. Not like this. He didn’t really have the words for it, but he had to make sure Bones understood. “I know you care about me.”
Bones eyes widened, just a little bit, in surprise at such a plain statement. He nodded his comprehension. “I do, Jim. And you care, too.”
“About you,” Jim confirmed. “But also about them.” He tilted his head. “Everyone else. You took care of me, and I want to be able to repay the favor. And to be able to take care of everyone else when the time comes. But I have to be sure that I can, Bones.” He nodded to himself. “So I’ve decided... I’m definitely going to take the test again.”
“You’re really going to go back for seconds?”
“Yeah.”
Bones sighed in resignation. “It’s the goddamned Kobayashi Maru, Jim. That takes a special kind of masochism.”
“Then I’m perfect for the job.”
With a soft chuckle, Bones ruffled Jim’s hair. “Nobody’s ever beaten that test. Nobody’s supposed to beat it.”
“And nobody believed the faster-than-light travel was possible until Cochrane did it. Bones, the only difference between good men and great men is that the great ones didn’t give up when someone told them that something couldn’t be done. The great ones... they made the hard decisions - to find a different answer, to keep pushing themselves, or to put everything on the line for something bigger.”
The regenerator stopped humming, and a second later, Bones leaned on the edge of the sofa cushion, his face inches away from Jim’s. “So... you think you’re great, huh?”
Without hesitation, Jim shook his head. “No. But I want to be.”
Slowly, a smile curled one corner of Bones’ mouth into something affectionate and resigned at once. “You know, Jim... I think you will be.” He reached up and pulled down the blanket that was draped over the back of the couch, spreading it over Jim’s legs and up to his shoulders.
The room was warm enough, but the soft weight of the blanket seemed to settle all the way through Jim’s body, and he realized how exhausted he was from the scene. He closed his eyes and settled his head deeper into the folds of his arms. “Mmm... how long until we have to be out of here?”
“The manager owed me a favor. We’ve got it all night if you need it.”
“Nah,” Jim mumbled sleepily. “I just need a little while... maybe a half hour.”
“Only if your blood pressure is back up. I don’t need you passing out on the curb while we wait for the transport car.”
“Yes, Mom.”
Bones gave an exasperated snort. “You’re impossible.”
“Yeah. But seriously, I’d like to get back to campus.”
“Comfortable territory?”
Jim nodded.
“Okay. Then you’re staying in my room tonight,” Bones said firmly.
“Ooh, cozy. Breakfast in bed?”
Bones rolled his eyes. “Cheeky brat. Jim, you’re going to be an emotional mess tomorrow morning.”
Jim let his shoulders slump in resignation. “You know me too well, Bones.” He shook his head to himself and took a deep breath. “I know I haven’t really processed this yet. And yeah, I’m probably going to hit an emotional crash later. But it’s fine. I expected it.”
Bones grumbled deep in his throat and gave Jim an unreadable look.
Jim frowned. “Hey, are you okay?”
The look resolved into a pained grimace. “Mostly.”
“What is it?”
“Jim...” He sighed. “I did this because I want to give you what you need. I like giving you what you need. But... for the same reason... it hurt me to do this to ya, kid. I’m probably going to crash, too. Just... stick around this weekend, okay?”
Jim took in the stress lines around Bones eyes, and the tense press of his lips. Bones was a man who seldom asked for anything. Usually, after a scene, if he needed to cope with his own emotional aftermath, he’d keep his sanity by doting on Jim and checking vital signs like a nervous habit. And Jim would be a good patient and let him. It was the way they worked. The balance between them was complicated, rough around the edges, but intense and trusting. And they knew each other. So Jim knew that when Bones asked for something, he really, really needed it.
“I will, Bones. No problem. But... why?”
Bones opened his mouth, then closed it quickly and shook his head for a moment. When he spoke, his tone was subdued. “I just need to make sure I didn’t... that it’s okay. That you’re okay.” He coughed once. “That we’re okay.”
Oh. “We’re okay, Bones. We’re okay.”
A small smile, broken but hopeful, tugged the corners of Bones’ mouth. “Close your eyes, kid. Rest for a little while. Then we’ll head home.”
With a contented sigh and a nod, Jim closed his eyes and let his body relax deeper into the sofa cushions. A warm hand settled on his shoulder and began rubbing the length of his back through the blanket. The duller stings from the whip marks that Bones hadn’t healed sent a satisfying ache through him, riding on the back of the intense endorphin high that hadn’t quite worn off. Bones’ other hand reached up and gripped his arm.
Jim let himself give an appreciative sigh. “Thanks, Bones. For everything.”
“You’re welcome, kid.”
That night, if Jim found himself waking up on Bones’ couch with a start, heart pounding and muscles trembling, it was nobody else’s business. And if Bones woke up when Jim cried out, and then physically dragged him from the couch back to his bed even though it really wasn’t big enough for two grown men, it was only natural. If Bones got upset with himself during the night for what he’d done, Jim didn’t see the tears in the darkened room, and the sniffling could have been the remnants of the cold bug, even though he knew better. If they woke up in the morning with their arms and legs tangled together, it wasn’t their fault that the bed was too small.
If Jim returned to his classes with refreshed determination and a clear head, it was easy to wink at his classmates and hint at a good time he had last Friday. And if he snuck back to Bones’ room after class to wait for him with a bag of Chinese takeout, a pack of ice cold beer, and a warm embrace, then that’s what any guy would do if his best friend was having a rough time. And if Jim lied that his roommate snored too much so that Bones wouldn’t have to ask him to stay, it was a fair lie because Bones could see right through it and that was fine with both of them.
And then, when Bones showed up at Training Sim Facility Two a few weeks later, waiting to catch Jim as he marched out of his second failure at the Kobayashi Maru, it felt right. And if Jim wasn’t upset because he’d once again failed to beat the test, that was because he knew that it was only over when he gave up. And when he figured out how to crack the test months later after serving as bridge crew for someone else’s run at the Maru, he knew that Bones would be there to see him when he finally proved to himself, and the world, that he really was ready to take on anything.
~FIN~
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Date: 2011-01-15 12:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-18 04:12 pm (UTC)First, YAY! I'm glad you liked it!
I figured that some people would immediately recognize the "anonymous" conversation as being between Jim and Bones. I also figured some people would guess it was between Bones and someone else entirely. And that other people would see it as being between two completely unknown people who are out to get Jim. It's been interesting to see people's reactions.
Aaah, the specific nature of their relationship here? All I can come up with is, "It's complicated." LOL. Best friends, and something more, to be sure, but it's not romantic. I think it's more interesting that way. *grins*
Thank you for reading! I'm so glad you liked it!