Fic: "Crossfire" (16/19)
Nov. 5th, 2010 06:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mijanTitle: "Crossfire, Part 16"
Author: Mijan
Series: ST: XI
Character/Pairing(s): Kirk&McCoy, Pike, Scotty
Rating: PG-13
Author’s Notes: This story is part of the Academy-era story arc, which includes “Convergence” and “And All the King’s Men.” “Crossfire” is a direct sequel. Several things in this story will not make sense unless you’ve read AAtKM first.
Summary: Jim Kirk and Leonard McCoy are on top of the world at the academy until it all comes crashing down around them. Trapped in their own mystery of politics, sabotage, and possible murder, it quickly becomes impossible to know who to trust. Worse, Jim might still be a target. With a dangerous criminal on the loose and Academy leadership not doing enough, Jim and Bones have to get their lives back together and find out what happened... before it happens again.
*********
CROSSFIRE, Part Sixteen
I deserve this, Jim thought as he stared at the wall in front of him. He’d been staring at the wall for almost an hour, he guessed. Couldn’t be sure - the security guards had removed his communicator, and the room didn’t have a chrono. But it didn’t matter. He was in a security holding cell waiting to find out what they were going to do with him. Whatever that was...
I’ll deserve it.
It was a nauseating thought. Sobering, too. He’d attacked a group of civilians without provocation. For that split second, he’d be convinced - so absolutely certain - that those people were sabotaging the shuttlecraft. His brain had been instantly and utterly fixed on the idea that they were Terra Prime saboteurs, and no other thought crossed his mind. He hadn’t even questioned it.
So stupid.
He hadn’t thought it through. Of course not. Even with every warning he’d been given, from people he was so sure he’d trusted at one point, he’d refused to listen to reason. No, he’d jumped in headfirst, only to find that it wasn’t even a swimming pool, never mind being over his head. Wonder what Toland the Terrible would say, he thought bitterly, remembering her warning.
Now that he was forcing himself to think through everything he’d been told, everything he’d seen and heard in the past few weeks, he realized how insane he must have looked. A stupid decision, and if he’d been thinking clearly, he never would have done something like that.
But he hadn’t been thinking clearly. In fact, it hadn’t felt like himself, his own thought process. Looking back, he knew he hadn’t properly felt, acted, or thought like himself since the crash. His decision to escape the hospital... his certainty that people were out to get him... his fear of flying... his sudden paranoia that caused him to attack those people...
Emotional disturbances. Jim thought about what Admiral Swerdlow had asked him during the hearing. Maybe this is what he meant. Then he snorted at himself. I’m fucking paranoid, is what this is.
Leaning his head heavily into his hands, Jim squeezed his eyes shut and wished he could simply vanish from the world.
Jim only startled slightly when the door finally slid open. He expected the security guard. Maybe even Bones. He didn’t expect to see Captain Pike’s rigid form filling the door frame, eyes like razors, ready to slice him to shreds.
Jim was on his feet in an instant, snapping to attention. “Sir.”
If anything, Pike’s eyes narrowed even more. With a single jerk of his head, he motioned for Jim to follow. He didn’t say a word as he turned and walked down the corridor of the security station. Feeling a bit like he was following his own executioner, Jim squared his shoulders and went after him. Emotional disturbances or not, he didn’t figure Pike was going to cut him any slack.
Pike turned a corner down a short hallway in the security building to a row of small rooms. Without missing a beat, he tapped the access code for one of the rooms and stepped through the door.
Jim followed him into what looked like a basic office with a small desk and no personal furniture. There was a chair on either side of the desk, and it was very obvious which one was for the person in charge of the discussion, and which one was his. Feeling unsure of his every move, he stood by the chair, waiting for instructions.
Pike stepped around the desk and leaned on it, eyes glaring daggers. He ignored his own chair. “Sit.”
Jim’s backside was in the chair as if pulled by a supermagnet. “Sir, I can explain. I -”
“You can shut your trap and thank your lucky stars that you’ve built yourself a damned fine reputation in the past year. Otherwise, you’d be on the other side of the Academy gate right now with a one-way ticket back to Iowa. Do you read me, Cadet?”
Not trusting his voice, Jim nodded, realizing just how far up shit creek he really was. Pike, who had been his best ally since day one, was furious. He had every reason to be.
“Do you know what I just spent the last hour doing?” Obviously a rhetorical question. “I just let a half-dozen flag officers step all over my own personal dignity to keep you in this Academy!” The fury in his voice had a tinge of anguish. “I told you to keep your head down, Kirk. I meant it. Do you think I said that for my own health? Well, seeing as I’m sure my blood pressure is probably through the roof right now, maybe it was!” He slapped one hand down on the desk to punctuate the thought before leaning back and raking his fingers roughly through his hair.
Jim kept his mouth shut.
Shaking his head, Pike let out a tight breath. “There are a lot of people who are beyond furious with you right now. If you think I’m angry, you’re going to have one hell of a time with the rest of them. With one exception, the folks who I just talked out of expelling you are people who have no idea what you went through last year, Kirk. Believe me, it would have been a lot easier to wave that medal of yours under their noses, but it’s still classified. Admiral Barnett was the only one of them who knew what you went through with Terra Prime, and you’re damned lucky he had the final call. The rest of them were ready to see the back of you.”
He paused to let that sink in before leaning heavily on the desk again, looming over Jim. Jim felt himself shrinking back into his own chair, and wasn’t that surprised to realize he was actually intimidated.
Pike nodded with grim satisfaction. “But let me tell you something, Cadet - any extra brownie points you might have had from your heroics last year are gone now. You hear me? Gone. You have just run to the end of your goddamned rope, and I hope you don’t hang yourself with it. I’m not going to cut you loose next time if you do. Do I make myself clear?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Good,” he said flatly. “Now here’s what’s going to happen. I’ve managed to get you released by security. Consider it a favor you don’t deserve right now; I almost let you sweat it out in here overnight. I’ve convinced them that you’re not going to act like a crazed maniac and attack any more civilians. Do not make a liar out of me, Kirk.”
“No, sir,” Jim choked out.
“You’re only allowed back in the shuttle hangar under the supervision of an instructor until further notice. I looked at your recent access logs for the hangar and flight sim facility. You’ve been in there every damned day! Sometimes twice! What the hell have you been doing in there, Kirk?”
Jim opened his mouth, not sure what to do now that he suddenly had a real question to answer. “I... I’ve been practicing, sir. Piloting skills. I was... I was a bit nervous about flying after the crash. I needed to get back to the point where I wasn’t nervous.” He swallowed thickly. “McCoy was helping me.”
At that, Pike raised an eyebrow in surprise. “I thought he wasn’t fond of flying himself.”
“We were working together.”
Pike gave him a level stare and pursed his lips. “I’ll let you know if and when you’re cleared again for flight sims with McCoy. But in the meantime... go back to your classes tomorrow. Keep your head down and your mouth shut.” He stood back from the desk. “And Kirk?”
“Yes, sir?”
For a moment, the anger from earlier congealed into something colder. “I put my reputation on the line to get you into Starfleet in the first place. I did it again tonight. I will not do it again.”
“Understood, sir.”
Pike gave him a steady nod. “Come to my office in the morning. 0730, before your first class. We need to discuss this when I’m not actively debating whether or not to wring your neck.”
With that, Pike was gone. Jim stared at the door for a long moment before remembering that Pike had said he’d been released. Feeling a bit awkward, he stood and slid out the door, feeling as though his footsteps and even his heartbeat were too loud in the hallway. He found his way back to the front desk, where the Security Officer on duty gave him a distantly sympathetic look.
“I’ll guess you got enough punishment from the Captain there.”
“My ears are still burning,” Jim said flatly.
“Well, douse the fire and get out of my office. You’re free to go. Besides, you’ve got someone waiting for you in the front room.”
Jim frowned in confusion and pushed his way through the door into the waiting room, and quickly realized he shouldn’t have been confused. He felt a distant hint of a smile trying to creep back onto his face. “Bones?”
The familiar face of his best friend snapped in his direction, but the scowl there was anything but familiar. In a heartbeat, Bones was on his feet, looping the strap of his messenger bag over his shoulder. “Come with me.” He was halfway to the door by the time Jim’s brain caught up.
“Uh... okay, but... Bones?” Jim hurried after Bones out the door, and actually had to jog to catch up with the man’s long strides. The lamplight along the path lit his facial profile, which was set in a stony grimace. “Bones, listen, I’m sorry. I... I just -”
“Shut it, Jim.” He kept staring straight ahead as he walked, not even glancing sideways once. “You’re coming back with me to my dorm, and I don’t want to hear a word out of you until we get there.”
Jim felt as though he’d just been back-handed. With a baseball bat. Sure, Pike had been furious, but Bones was his best friend. This was just... wrong. “I... uh... okay.”
They continued across the main quad to the point where the walkways diverged, with one path leading to the dorms with the mini-apartments. Cadets who already had advanced degrees, medical cadets, and some young officers who had returned for refresher courses were billeted there. Jim had often envied those dorms with their mini-apartments and more comfortable accommodations, and he’d always loved taking that path to Bones’ building for a night of easy camaraderie.
Tonight, he wanted to run in the other direction.
The front door of the dorm building slid open when Bones swiped his ID badge across the reader, and the turbolift was almost claustrophobic as it carried them to the eighteenth floor. Finally, Jim followed Bones into his dorm room.
He’d never been nervous around Bones before. The guy had his moments, sure, but no matter how grouchy or cynical or bad of a day, there was an underlying warmth in everything Bones did and said. And really, aside from the sardonic grumbling, he’d really begun to come out of his shell in the past year. He laughed easily and smiled broadly. Well, maybe not so much in the weeks since the accident, but yeah, he did.
Tonight, it was as if Jim was in the room with a different man. Hesitantly, Jim unzipped his outer jacket and hung it from the coat hook by the door. “Bones?”
Bones had walked across the room and dropped his messenger bag on the table with a muffled thud. Slowly, as if laboring under an unseen weight, he unzipped his own jacket, removed it, and draped it over the back of his chair. He then leaned on the table heavily, head drooping on his neck, eyes closed. Mouth pinched in a pained expression.
“Uh... Bones?”
“Jim.” His voice was tight and strained. “In the past year, you’ve become the closest friend I think I’ve ever had. You’re my family, kid. I think I’m yours. That means a hell of a lot, as far as I’m concerned.” He glanced sideways, barely turning his head. “But... what am I supposed to think right now? Huh, Jim? What the hell am I supposed to think? To say? How do I even begin to react to something like this?”
Jim opened his mouth, but there were no words, so he closed it again.
Bones looked back down at the table. “I thought so.” With a sudden heave, he pushed himself back from the table and began digging around in his cabinets as he continued to speak. “At the infirmary, I let the other doc fix the guy’s jaw. You broke it, by the way, if you want to brag to your hand-to-hand buddies. I worked on the lady’s shoulder - mild separation; she’s fine. And while I did, I talked her out of pressing charges against you.” He pulled down a liquor bottle from the far back of the cabinet shelf and set it with a sharp clank on the counter top.
Jim blinked and started to smile at the faint hint of hope. “I... thanks, Bones.”
In response, Bones shot back a harsh scowl. “Don’t thank me. I was a witness, so if they did drag you to court, I’d end up subpoenaed, and I really don’t have time for that horse shit.” He grabbed a glass from the shelf. Only one.
Instantly, the hope was gone. “Oh.”
“Goddammit, Jim, what do you expect me to do here? I’ve been trying to help you... trying. And failing.” He splashed a generous dose of bourbon into the glass and immediately tossed back a swallow.
Confusion wrapped around Jim like a frown. “What?”
Bones shook his head. “I should have seen it coming. I knew you weren’t alright, Jim.” He held up his glass and stared at the amber liquid, then spoke at it. “You’re a reckless, daredevil sort of guy on the best of days, and sometimes other people get you caught up in their shit, but you’ve never been stupid. Even some of your craziest stunts... you always think it through. In detail. From a dozen fucking angles. And that’s why your crazy, reckless, damned-fool genius stunts always work.” He took another sip, slower this time, then put the glass down before turning to face Jim directly. “You didn’t think this time, Jim.”
Something bleak and hollow wormed its way through Jim’s gut at the defeated look on his friend’s face. “Bones...”
But Bones just shook his head again, shoulders sagging. “You didn’t think when you escaped from the hospital. You didn’t think about the warnings Pike gave you. Didn’t think it through when you took the flight instructor test too soon. And -” He pressed his lips together tightly, staring at him for a long moment. “You didn’t think - didn’t even hesitate - to attack those civilians.”
The broken and desolate look on Bones’ face stirred a sick sort of guilt in the pit of Jim’s stomach. “I... I’m sorry, Bones. I didn’t think - you’re right. I was an idiot tonight. I made a mistake. I didn’t think it through.” He took a step closer to his friend. “But I’ll fix it. I’ll focus. And once I figure out who sabotaged the shuttle, I’ll be able to put this behind me, but in the meantime, I swear I’ll think things through and -”
“Once you figure it out, Jim?” Bones said incredulously. “Do you hear yourself? You need to get it together regardless of whether they ever find the guy who did it. You need to stop letting yourself get wrapped up in this shit because it’s going to destroy you.”
Jim frowned. “I’ve made a couple of bad decisions, but I’ll pull it together. I’ll go back to your prescribed biofeedback program. I’ll work on my classes and keep my mouth shut like Pike said. It’ll be fine.”
“Oh, so just like that?” Bones shot him a harshly skeptical look.
“Why not?”
“Why not?” Bones echoed. “Maybe because there’s more to this than you realize, Jim.”
“So I’ve been told. I get it, Bones.”
"No, Jim, I don’t think you get it! In fact, I think it’s damned near impossible for you to get it right now.” He was gesturing wildly with his hands, something he only did when he was beyond agitated. “Kid, you have no idea how close you really came to losing everything tonight. And you don’t know when you’re going to make another stupid decision that will finally be the last straw.” He shook his head in apparent disbelief. “You were so worried about your precious accelerated program while you were stuck in the hospital. Well, let me tell you something - if you keep this up, they're not just going to pull you out of the accelerated program. They'll yank you from the command track. And maybe straight out of the Academy!”
Hearing it from his academic advisor had been one thing. Pike was supposed to give him hell about his academic and official life. But here was Bones, laying it out flat. It seemed a lot more painful this way. “I... I can fix it.”
There was a pained quality to the twisted frown that warped Bones’ face. “You can’t fix it this time, kid. Not by yourself.”
“I can! I’ve learned my lesson. I can -”
But Bones shook his head, slowly and unquestionably. “You can’t. This isn’t just a lessons-learned sort of thing. Oh God, you can’t even see it. Jim, put the pieces together, okay? You’ve been paranoid since you woke up in the ICU. You thought people were trying to get you in the hospital. You thought the medications we were giving you were causing amnesia. You kept telling me how you felt trapped. And that terrorists were still targeting you.”
“But someone sabotaged the shuttle, Bones. I know it. I saw it! Don’t you believe me?”
“I believe you, kid. But we can’t prove it.” He shook his head again. “And even if the shuttle was sabotaged, we have no reason to believe they were after you.”
“But how could they not be?” Jim challenged.
Bones fixed him with a sharp look. “And that’s the problem right there, Jim! You’re not even considering other possibilities! The Jim I know would have considered all the angles. He’d be looking for other answers, instead of latching on to the most paranoid answer he could find and clinging to it like a life raft.”
“So I’m paranoid, am I?” Jim shot back defensively, even though he knew Bones was speaking the truth. “Just because I’m looking at an answer that makes sense -”
“You’re not making sense!” Bones cut him off furiously. He reached back, grabbed his glass, and took another quick swig of his bourbon before slamming the almost-empty glass back on the counter. With a heavy growl, he began to pace in agitation back and forth across the short kitchen floor. “You can’t fix this yourself, Jim, because this isn’t just a matter of stupid decisions. That’s only one of the symptoms we’re seeing. It’s a symptom, Jim! I should have seen this coming. Dammit, Jim, why didn’t I see it? I should have. I did. And I let it go.” He paused long enough to slam his hand on the tabletop in boldfaced frustration. “I wish you’d said something. I wish I hadn’t let myself be so blind to this. I should have been paying attention. Accepted the fact that you’re only human, and you couldn’t beat all the odds. Maybe if my neural regen units had been better -”
“Hold it right there,” Jim cut in, finally feeling an in where he could justifiably argue back, even though the sudden turn in the conversation had left him confused and reeling slightly. “Your devices saved my life! You can’t blame my stupid decisions on you not having fine-tuned your miracle-gizmo soon enough.”
There was a desolate sort of anger that ran through Bones’ expression like cracks in a window pane. “I can, Jim. I saved your life, but I had no idea what those devices would do. Modern medicine has come a long way, but somewhere between the human brain and the human soul, we’re still as lost as we’ve ever been. I should have been watching for these problems. We should have put a psychiatrist on your recovery team -
“Psychiatrist?” Jim blurted out. “No way, Bones! You know exactly what they’d start digging up if they did that. I don’t need my past dragged through the mud.”
“That’s why I advised against it, kid.” He swallowed tightly. “That’s why I told them... after you escaped... that I’d be responsible for that. And... goddammit, Jim, I failed you.”
Jim shook his head wildly. “No. Just stop that. No. You put your career on the line to save my life, and I’m not going to ask more than that from you. It’s my fault for what happened tonight. This isn’t about you, Bones. This is about me.”
Bones stopped cold, then leaned back against the kitchen counter. It looked as if the counter was the only thing keeping him upright. He stared at Jim, his face unreadable. “Jim, if you’ve learned one thing from all this, you should have learned that it’s not all about you.”
Jim snorted. “That’s what people keep telling me, but you know what? I call bullshit. It’s always me, and there’s no fucking way for me to avoid it. No matter what shit is going on, I always end up in the middle of it. How can you tell me, after everything that’s happened, that it’s not about me?”
Bones was still staring at him with that desolate, lost expression. For a moment, he didn’t even blink, then finally said, “Because, Jim... sometimes, shit happens. Wrong place at the wrong time. Sometimes, being in the wrong place at the wrong time turns you into a hero. And sometimes, it almost destroys you.”
Jim felt his mouth fall open slightly, and he let out a faint, “Bones...”
“Don’t let this one destroy you, Jim.” It was a plea this time. He blinked a few times, and stared off across the room, eyes unfocused. “I can’t fix it this time, Jim. And if you can’t fix it either, then it’s going to destroy us, too.”
It was like a knife to the gut. It was an ice-cold realization that his own stubbornness, his own refusal to get the help that you obviously need, you fucking idiot, and his own pride could ruin the best friendship he’d ever had. He couldn’t let that happen. Slowly, as if moving through something thick and viscous, Jim stepped into the kitchen, turned, and leaned against the counter, too, almost shoulder-to-shoulder with Bones. He let his weight sag against the solid mass of the counter top. “Okay,” he breathed. “Okay, Bones. What should I do?”
Bones sighed. “I know a guy in the psych department,” he said, his voice dry and cracked. “Doctor Rodriguez. He’s good, and I think you’ll like him. You’ll need him to report to Pike, but beyond that, he’ll keep your confidentiality. I know he will.”
“What if he doesn’t? I mean, if he -”
“He will,” Bones said with resolute firmness. “Trust me on this, Jim.”
“I do trust you,” Jim said, his voice sounding distant in his own ears. “It just feels... weak. Asking for help.”
Bones shook his head. “Sometimes, Jim, it takes far more strength to ask for help when you need it. Especially for a guy like you.” He let out a slow breath. “Modern medicine has gotten away from the old judgmental attitudes about mental and psychological injury and illness. Nobody is going to think less of you, or look down on you, for seeking help with your recovery from a severe head injury.” His voice threatened to crack on the last few words, but he huffed a couple of short breaths and pulled it back together. Jim could almost feel the tension radiating off him. “But Jim... if you don’t get help, and you don’t get this fixed... you won’t be fit for duty, and nothing I do or say will change that.”
“Oh. Okay.” Jim swallowed down the nausea that was starting to well up in his gut. “So... when do I see this guy? This psych friend of yours?”
“He’s at a conference this week, but he’ll be back in town on Monday. I’ll send him a communiqué.”
“Okay,” Jim said softly. Then something else occurred to him. “Bones... what will everyone else think? I mean... fuck, this is going to be all over campus by tomorrow morning. They’re all going to think I’m nuts. This is... I’m gonna... fuck...” He pressed the palms of his hands against his face, wishing he could shut out the world. In his mind’s eye, he saw himself walking into class tomorrow, with the scornful, disdainful looks from every other cadet following him everywhere. Across the quad, into the shuttle hangar, at hand-to-hand... all the people who he’d hoped... he’d thought... they had respected him. Some looked up to him. And now... what the hell would they think?
With a sigh, Bones reached up and clapped a hand on Jim’s shoulder. It was a warm, familiar, reassuring pressure. “The ones who are worth anything will understand what you’ve been through. The rest... fuck ‘em.”
Jim dropped his hands and looked at Bones hopefully. It seemed too promising, too kind of an answer, but he wanted to believe it. Needed to believe it. “Really, Bones?”
In a voice that seemed just a bit uncertain of itself, with a smile to match, Bones said, “Yeah, kid. Really.”
*********
“Come.”
The word sounded like a condemnation to Kirk as he stood outside the door of Pike’s office. On his way to Archer Hall, he’d wondered if maybe Pike would have cooled his feet overnight. Maybe he’d have thought about the circumstances, and what might have caused Jim to snap, or...
Forget it, Kirk, he berated himself. Pike will still be furious, and he has every reason to be. Now get your ass into the office.
Bracing himself, Jim stepped forward, triggering the door and stepping into the office of Captain Christopher Pike.
Jim had been in there before, several times. Regular advising sessions, an occasional review of Jim’s progress in his accelerated track, and so on. The room had always seemed open-aired and comfortable with its wall-length window and natural wood trim.
Today, it looked like an execution chamber, with his personal judge, jury, and executioner staring back at him from behind the desk. Pike seemed just as unfamiliar as the room did, with his face still locked in the mask of anger he’d worn last night.
“Have a seat,” he said flatly.
“Yes, sir,” Jim said quietly, hurriedly settling himself into the seat across the desk from Pike. At least this time, they were both sitting, instead of Pike looming over him like a storm front. It was only marginally better.
“Kirk,” he began, his voice low and dangerous, “I’m going to give you one chance to explain yourself from last night, and it had better be good.”
Despite the rehearsed answers he’d tried to create during his sleepless night on Bones’ couch, his brain was spinning too fast to remember anything coherent as he stared back at Pike’s furious expression. Apparently, the guy hadn’t mellowed overnight. So, with his heart hammering in his chest, Jim stammered out the first thing he could think of. “I... I have no excuse, sir.”
“Damn it all, Kirk!” Pike snapped, slapping his hands down on the desk. “I’m not looking for an excuse - I’m looking for an explanation! You’re one of the smartest, most capable cadets this campus has ever seen, and you know damned well that I’m aware of it. You don’t do things without a reason, even if your reasons don’t always make sense to everyone. I have to believe you had a reason for what you did last night.” He reached up with one hand and rubbed the bridge of his nose for a moment before looking back at Jim. “What happened, Kirk?”
The defeated look on Pike’s face matched the hollow feeling in Jim’s gut. Swallowing against another wave of nausea, Jim looked down at his own hands resting on his knees and spoke.
“I thought that the investigation had given up, sir. There were no answers, so I was sure the saboteur was still out there.”
“So you decided to jump the first suspicious person you saw near a shuttlecraft? Is that it?”
“No!” Jim protested. “That wasn’t the plan. Those... those were the people I saw in the tea house yesterday, sir. The ones I reported to you about.”
A look of comprehension crossed Pike’s face. “I see,” he said slowly. “So you just saw them there, and decided to take matters into your own hands?”
“I... I didn’t decide, exactly.” Jim forced himself to meet Pike’s gaze, despite the fact that he wanted to shrink down until he was too small to be seen, and then run from the room.
Frowning, Pike slowly lowered himself into his seat, never taking his hands off the desk. “Then what, exactly, did you do?”
Staring back at Pike’s stone-set features and eyes that were begging for an explanation that could make sense of everything, Jim knew he had to come clean. Everything Bones had told him from the night before... brain damage, psych trauma, everything he loathed to admit but had come to accept during his sleepless night... he had to tell Pike. He knew what he was facing - a choice between looking like a careless, thoughtless, dangerous cadet with no self control... or admitting that perhaps he was medically compromised. When he looked at it that way, it was obvious which was worse - much worse - but that didn’t make it any easier to admit.
“I just... reacted. It was like...” Jim trailed off and bit his lip. Gritting his teeth, he squeezed his eyes shut and said, “It was like I couldn’t think at all. It... it didn’t feel like me. I think there might still be something wrong with me from the crash... from the head injury. McCoy and I talked about it last night. He said I’ve been paranoid since the crash.”
Saying it himself made him cringe at the sound of his own voice, but he pressed on. He stared down at his hands on his knees. “I don’t like to admit it, but I think he’s right. This isn’t me. I thought because the broken bones had healed up, everything was fine. But... I’ve been scared of flying. I make stupid decisions and can’t figure out why. I’m making it through my classes, but it’s like my brain is hazy and not quite here. It’s been like this since the crash.”
He blinked a couple of times, trying to squash the sick feeling of vulnerability at having revealed so much at once, and looked up at Pike hesitantly.
The pained resignation on Pike’s face said so much. “You understand what sort of position this puts me in, Kirk.”
“I do, sir.” He took a bracing breath. “You’ll need to put a note in my file, and you’ll have to order me to see a psychiatrist.” And then, the hardest part. “I’m already planning on it, sir.”
At that, Pike raised an eyebrow. “Now I know you’re not feeling like yourself. You’re already planning to see a shrink? How much did McCoy have to threaten you to talk you into it?”
Jim forced a mirthless laugh, trying to sound far less nervous and upset than he was.. “He just made me see reason.”
“He seems like the sort of guy who’d be good at something like that. He’s a good friend for you to have.”
“Don’t I know it.” Jim sighed and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his thighs under the weight of his own guilt. He’d put Bones through hell, when the guy had done nothing less than to risk everything for him. Fuck, he’d put everyone through hell. Medical reasons or not, he felt like he had no excuse. Still, as much as he wanted to just forget about everything, he knew he had to face it head on. Maybe that was the difference between who he was now and who he wanted to be. That was the difference between a man who’d saved eight-hundred lives as his ship crashed and burned, and a man who had failed to save even one.
“Captain Pike,” he began, trying to keep his voice from shaking, “I know I’ve put everyone through hell lately, and I’m sorry. And I’m not going to shirk off the blame for this. I know what I did. Head injury or not, I still did it. I can accept the consequences.” He took a deep breath. “And I know I’m here for a formal reprimand, sir.”
Pike didn’t even blink. “Yes, you are. But I wanted to know what you were going to say before I put it in your file.” He pulled out his PADD, and without a word, typed in a few lines. Jim sat silently, waiting, until Pike put the PADD back down with a note of finality. “I’ve tagged the reprimand with a note that you were possibly compromised due to medical complications at the time of the incident. For now, this isn’t going to impact your duties, academic track, or future assignments. That will depend on the report from the psychiatrist.”
“Understood, sir.”
Pike nodded. “Have him send his reports to me, as well as to the staff at Starfleet Medical. If he states that your actions last night were due to the physical and psychological trauma you’ve endured, then you won’t be found at fault in any official sense.” He rested his elbows on his desk, leaning forward. “But Kirk, you’ll still need to get your head back on straight if you want to be the Starfleet officer I know you can be. If you can’t recover from this, you won’t be able to stay in the Command track, or possibly even in Starfleet.”
Jim swallowed nervously, digging his fingers into his knees. “I know, sir. And I don’t want to let that slip away from me. That’s why I’m going to see the psychiatrist. And that’s why I’m going to do whatever it takes to get my head right again.”
“That can’t be easy for a man like you,” Pike said, and Jim thought he heard a hint of admiration there.
“No, but I want to fix this, sir. And I want make something of myself here, and to be good at it.” Despite the nerves that hadn’t gone away, Jim felt a surge of sincerity and determination, and hoped Pike could see it.
For the first time since he’d come into the office, a smile touched Pike’s face. “I know, son. And you will be good at it. And I won’t give up on you if you don’t give up on yourself.”
“I’m too stubborn to quit,” Jim said, almost feeling hopeful again.
The smile broadened. “Now isn’t that the truth?” He shook his head in amusement, then looked back down at his PADD. “We’ll be able to keep this from impacting your career too much if you stick to your plan, listen to the doctors, and keep your head down. Medical confidentiality will keep a lot of this out of the limelight, Kirk.” He glanced back up and the smile faded. “But I’ll have to tell you... the word is out around campus already.”
Jim felt his own brief surge of gusto deflate. “I figured as much.”
“Do you have a plan to deal with this?”
For a moment, Jim twisted his lips pensively, considering what Bones had told him last night... The ones who are worth anything will understand. “I do,” Jim said, sounding far more confident than he felt. “I had to rebuild my reputation once, and I can do it again. But this time... I’ve got friends I can trust.” He tilted his head. “Actually... I’ve got a question, sir.”
Pike spread his hands open. “I can’t promise anything, but ask.”
“Our flight team... we’ve only got five people now. But... we’re moving on to single-pilot crafts next semester. Has there ever been a flight team with just five pilots?”
“No,” Pike said thoughtfully. “But I’ve seen your team in action. And don’t look so surprised – you know I’ve been watching. I don’t often say things like this, but you really do have something special going on there with that little group of yours. I like how your team works together. And after all you’ve been through, it would be a shame to change that.”
“We’re trying to pick a new candidate. Okoru sent us all the profiles of the folks who want to join. They’re good but... you know... they’re not Nova Squadron.”
“I understand that, Kirk.” He leaned back in his chair and looked wistfully at the ceiling. “I’ve been on a few teams myself, but you can always tell when you’ve got something special. Some teams, once they’re together, you don’t break up if you can possibly help it.” He looked back down at Jim. “I’ll talk to your flight instructor, and the folks who oversee the Pilot program.” His face became serious. “On one condition.”
“Anything, sir.”
“Promise me you’re going to take care of yourself... and do this the right way.”
Jim nodded. “If that’s what it takes to keep my team together, I’ll do it.”
Pike gave him a level look. “Then I’ll see what I can do.” With a telegraphed sigh, he leaned forward and stood. Jim was on his feet half a second later to match him as Pike said, “You’re dismissed, Kirk. But... if you need to talk... if you wonder if you’re starting to make a bad decision or anything like that... my door is open. Come to me first... before something happens.” He held out his hand.
Surprised, Jim took his hand and shook it. “I will, sir. Thank you.”
“Good. Now get to class.” He dropped Jim’s hand. “Make me remember why I wanted you in Starfleet.”
“Aye sir. And thank you, sir.”
“Don’t thank me yet, Cadet. You’ve still got to do the work.”
Jim nodded, and with a formal salute, he turned and hurried out of the office. A minute later, he was standing on the front step of Archer Hall, staring blankly across the quad. His legs were shaking beneath him, but unlike before his meeting with Pike, this felt like relief. He took a deep, slow breath, trying to get himself together before he faced the rest of campus. It was going to be ugly, he was sure, but he could handle it. He didn’t really have a choice.
His class started in fifteen minutes, but he had something he needed to do first.
Pulling out his communicator, he flipped it open and said, “Cadet Kirk to Cadet Okoru.”
A moment later, “Okoru here. I heard what happened last night, Kirk. Team meeting?”
It was actually reassuring to hear her voice, steady and non-judging, even though she already knew. “Yeah,” Jim said. “I need to apologize to everyone. I’ve also got some news, but mostly, I need to explain to everyone what happened, and what’s going on.”
“That’s fair. Want to use our study hour?”
Study hour was something that had worked out schedule-wise for Nova Squadron, when they’d discovered that they all had an hour block of time with no classes on Friday mornings, from 1100 hours to noon. Even though many of their other classes were different, they’d often group together during that hour just to study in a group, eat an early lunch, or socialize. “Study hour would be perfect,” Jim answered. “Can we meet out in front of the student center, and then find an empty study room?”
“Sounds like a plan. I’ll contact the rest of the team.”
“Thanks, Okoru.”
“You’re welcome. And Kirk? Hang in there. We’ve got your back, okay?”
Something warm and tight clenched in Jim’s throat, and he blinked a couple of times as he said, “Thanks. I needed to hear that.”
“You’re more than welcome. Okoru out.”
Jim flipped his communicator shut and looked across the quad at the lecture hall buildings again. Those buildings would be full of cadets who had heard what he’d done. No excuses, no explanations – he’d have to face the gauntlet head on. But he’d survived much worse. And in the end, it would be okay.
In the meantime, however, it was going to suck.
*********
(To Part Seventeen...)
Author: Mijan
Series: ST: XI
Character/Pairing(s): Kirk&McCoy, Pike, Scotty
Rating: PG-13
Author’s Notes: This story is part of the Academy-era story arc, which includes “Convergence” and “And All the King’s Men.” “Crossfire” is a direct sequel. Several things in this story will not make sense unless you’ve read AAtKM first.
Summary: Jim Kirk and Leonard McCoy are on top of the world at the academy until it all comes crashing down around them. Trapped in their own mystery of politics, sabotage, and possible murder, it quickly becomes impossible to know who to trust. Worse, Jim might still be a target. With a dangerous criminal on the loose and Academy leadership not doing enough, Jim and Bones have to get their lives back together and find out what happened... before it happens again.
I deserve this, Jim thought as he stared at the wall in front of him. He’d been staring at the wall for almost an hour, he guessed. Couldn’t be sure - the security guards had removed his communicator, and the room didn’t have a chrono. But it didn’t matter. He was in a security holding cell waiting to find out what they were going to do with him. Whatever that was...
I’ll deserve it.
It was a nauseating thought. Sobering, too. He’d attacked a group of civilians without provocation. For that split second, he’d be convinced - so absolutely certain - that those people were sabotaging the shuttlecraft. His brain had been instantly and utterly fixed on the idea that they were Terra Prime saboteurs, and no other thought crossed his mind. He hadn’t even questioned it.
So stupid.
He hadn’t thought it through. Of course not. Even with every warning he’d been given, from people he was so sure he’d trusted at one point, he’d refused to listen to reason. No, he’d jumped in headfirst, only to find that it wasn’t even a swimming pool, never mind being over his head. Wonder what Toland the Terrible would say, he thought bitterly, remembering her warning.
Now that he was forcing himself to think through everything he’d been told, everything he’d seen and heard in the past few weeks, he realized how insane he must have looked. A stupid decision, and if he’d been thinking clearly, he never would have done something like that.
But he hadn’t been thinking clearly. In fact, it hadn’t felt like himself, his own thought process. Looking back, he knew he hadn’t properly felt, acted, or thought like himself since the crash. His decision to escape the hospital... his certainty that people were out to get him... his fear of flying... his sudden paranoia that caused him to attack those people...
Emotional disturbances. Jim thought about what Admiral Swerdlow had asked him during the hearing. Maybe this is what he meant. Then he snorted at himself. I’m fucking paranoid, is what this is.
Leaning his head heavily into his hands, Jim squeezed his eyes shut and wished he could simply vanish from the world.
Jim only startled slightly when the door finally slid open. He expected the security guard. Maybe even Bones. He didn’t expect to see Captain Pike’s rigid form filling the door frame, eyes like razors, ready to slice him to shreds.
Jim was on his feet in an instant, snapping to attention. “Sir.”
If anything, Pike’s eyes narrowed even more. With a single jerk of his head, he motioned for Jim to follow. He didn’t say a word as he turned and walked down the corridor of the security station. Feeling a bit like he was following his own executioner, Jim squared his shoulders and went after him. Emotional disturbances or not, he didn’t figure Pike was going to cut him any slack.
Pike turned a corner down a short hallway in the security building to a row of small rooms. Without missing a beat, he tapped the access code for one of the rooms and stepped through the door.
Jim followed him into what looked like a basic office with a small desk and no personal furniture. There was a chair on either side of the desk, and it was very obvious which one was for the person in charge of the discussion, and which one was his. Feeling unsure of his every move, he stood by the chair, waiting for instructions.
Pike stepped around the desk and leaned on it, eyes glaring daggers. He ignored his own chair. “Sit.”
Jim’s backside was in the chair as if pulled by a supermagnet. “Sir, I can explain. I -”
“You can shut your trap and thank your lucky stars that you’ve built yourself a damned fine reputation in the past year. Otherwise, you’d be on the other side of the Academy gate right now with a one-way ticket back to Iowa. Do you read me, Cadet?”
Not trusting his voice, Jim nodded, realizing just how far up shit creek he really was. Pike, who had been his best ally since day one, was furious. He had every reason to be.
“Do you know what I just spent the last hour doing?” Obviously a rhetorical question. “I just let a half-dozen flag officers step all over my own personal dignity to keep you in this Academy!” The fury in his voice had a tinge of anguish. “I told you to keep your head down, Kirk. I meant it. Do you think I said that for my own health? Well, seeing as I’m sure my blood pressure is probably through the roof right now, maybe it was!” He slapped one hand down on the desk to punctuate the thought before leaning back and raking his fingers roughly through his hair.
Jim kept his mouth shut.
Shaking his head, Pike let out a tight breath. “There are a lot of people who are beyond furious with you right now. If you think I’m angry, you’re going to have one hell of a time with the rest of them. With one exception, the folks who I just talked out of expelling you are people who have no idea what you went through last year, Kirk. Believe me, it would have been a lot easier to wave that medal of yours under their noses, but it’s still classified. Admiral Barnett was the only one of them who knew what you went through with Terra Prime, and you’re damned lucky he had the final call. The rest of them were ready to see the back of you.”
He paused to let that sink in before leaning heavily on the desk again, looming over Jim. Jim felt himself shrinking back into his own chair, and wasn’t that surprised to realize he was actually intimidated.
Pike nodded with grim satisfaction. “But let me tell you something, Cadet - any extra brownie points you might have had from your heroics last year are gone now. You hear me? Gone. You have just run to the end of your goddamned rope, and I hope you don’t hang yourself with it. I’m not going to cut you loose next time if you do. Do I make myself clear?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Good,” he said flatly. “Now here’s what’s going to happen. I’ve managed to get you released by security. Consider it a favor you don’t deserve right now; I almost let you sweat it out in here overnight. I’ve convinced them that you’re not going to act like a crazed maniac and attack any more civilians. Do not make a liar out of me, Kirk.”
“No, sir,” Jim choked out.
“You’re only allowed back in the shuttle hangar under the supervision of an instructor until further notice. I looked at your recent access logs for the hangar and flight sim facility. You’ve been in there every damned day! Sometimes twice! What the hell have you been doing in there, Kirk?”
Jim opened his mouth, not sure what to do now that he suddenly had a real question to answer. “I... I’ve been practicing, sir. Piloting skills. I was... I was a bit nervous about flying after the crash. I needed to get back to the point where I wasn’t nervous.” He swallowed thickly. “McCoy was helping me.”
At that, Pike raised an eyebrow in surprise. “I thought he wasn’t fond of flying himself.”
“We were working together.”
Pike gave him a level stare and pursed his lips. “I’ll let you know if and when you’re cleared again for flight sims with McCoy. But in the meantime... go back to your classes tomorrow. Keep your head down and your mouth shut.” He stood back from the desk. “And Kirk?”
“Yes, sir?”
For a moment, the anger from earlier congealed into something colder. “I put my reputation on the line to get you into Starfleet in the first place. I did it again tonight. I will not do it again.”
“Understood, sir.”
Pike gave him a steady nod. “Come to my office in the morning. 0730, before your first class. We need to discuss this when I’m not actively debating whether or not to wring your neck.”
With that, Pike was gone. Jim stared at the door for a long moment before remembering that Pike had said he’d been released. Feeling a bit awkward, he stood and slid out the door, feeling as though his footsteps and even his heartbeat were too loud in the hallway. He found his way back to the front desk, where the Security Officer on duty gave him a distantly sympathetic look.
“I’ll guess you got enough punishment from the Captain there.”
“My ears are still burning,” Jim said flatly.
“Well, douse the fire and get out of my office. You’re free to go. Besides, you’ve got someone waiting for you in the front room.”
Jim frowned in confusion and pushed his way through the door into the waiting room, and quickly realized he shouldn’t have been confused. He felt a distant hint of a smile trying to creep back onto his face. “Bones?”
The familiar face of his best friend snapped in his direction, but the scowl there was anything but familiar. In a heartbeat, Bones was on his feet, looping the strap of his messenger bag over his shoulder. “Come with me.” He was halfway to the door by the time Jim’s brain caught up.
“Uh... okay, but... Bones?” Jim hurried after Bones out the door, and actually had to jog to catch up with the man’s long strides. The lamplight along the path lit his facial profile, which was set in a stony grimace. “Bones, listen, I’m sorry. I... I just -”
“Shut it, Jim.” He kept staring straight ahead as he walked, not even glancing sideways once. “You’re coming back with me to my dorm, and I don’t want to hear a word out of you until we get there.”
Jim felt as though he’d just been back-handed. With a baseball bat. Sure, Pike had been furious, but Bones was his best friend. This was just... wrong. “I... uh... okay.”
They continued across the main quad to the point where the walkways diverged, with one path leading to the dorms with the mini-apartments. Cadets who already had advanced degrees, medical cadets, and some young officers who had returned for refresher courses were billeted there. Jim had often envied those dorms with their mini-apartments and more comfortable accommodations, and he’d always loved taking that path to Bones’ building for a night of easy camaraderie.
Tonight, he wanted to run in the other direction.
The front door of the dorm building slid open when Bones swiped his ID badge across the reader, and the turbolift was almost claustrophobic as it carried them to the eighteenth floor. Finally, Jim followed Bones into his dorm room.
He’d never been nervous around Bones before. The guy had his moments, sure, but no matter how grouchy or cynical or bad of a day, there was an underlying warmth in everything Bones did and said. And really, aside from the sardonic grumbling, he’d really begun to come out of his shell in the past year. He laughed easily and smiled broadly. Well, maybe not so much in the weeks since the accident, but yeah, he did.
Tonight, it was as if Jim was in the room with a different man. Hesitantly, Jim unzipped his outer jacket and hung it from the coat hook by the door. “Bones?”
Bones had walked across the room and dropped his messenger bag on the table with a muffled thud. Slowly, as if laboring under an unseen weight, he unzipped his own jacket, removed it, and draped it over the back of his chair. He then leaned on the table heavily, head drooping on his neck, eyes closed. Mouth pinched in a pained expression.
“Uh... Bones?”
“Jim.” His voice was tight and strained. “In the past year, you’ve become the closest friend I think I’ve ever had. You’re my family, kid. I think I’m yours. That means a hell of a lot, as far as I’m concerned.” He glanced sideways, barely turning his head. “But... what am I supposed to think right now? Huh, Jim? What the hell am I supposed to think? To say? How do I even begin to react to something like this?”
Jim opened his mouth, but there were no words, so he closed it again.
Bones looked back down at the table. “I thought so.” With a sudden heave, he pushed himself back from the table and began digging around in his cabinets as he continued to speak. “At the infirmary, I let the other doc fix the guy’s jaw. You broke it, by the way, if you want to brag to your hand-to-hand buddies. I worked on the lady’s shoulder - mild separation; she’s fine. And while I did, I talked her out of pressing charges against you.” He pulled down a liquor bottle from the far back of the cabinet shelf and set it with a sharp clank on the counter top.
Jim blinked and started to smile at the faint hint of hope. “I... thanks, Bones.”
In response, Bones shot back a harsh scowl. “Don’t thank me. I was a witness, so if they did drag you to court, I’d end up subpoenaed, and I really don’t have time for that horse shit.” He grabbed a glass from the shelf. Only one.
Instantly, the hope was gone. “Oh.”
“Goddammit, Jim, what do you expect me to do here? I’ve been trying to help you... trying. And failing.” He splashed a generous dose of bourbon into the glass and immediately tossed back a swallow.
Confusion wrapped around Jim like a frown. “What?”
Bones shook his head. “I should have seen it coming. I knew you weren’t alright, Jim.” He held up his glass and stared at the amber liquid, then spoke at it. “You’re a reckless, daredevil sort of guy on the best of days, and sometimes other people get you caught up in their shit, but you’ve never been stupid. Even some of your craziest stunts... you always think it through. In detail. From a dozen fucking angles. And that’s why your crazy, reckless, damned-fool genius stunts always work.” He took another sip, slower this time, then put the glass down before turning to face Jim directly. “You didn’t think this time, Jim.”
Something bleak and hollow wormed its way through Jim’s gut at the defeated look on his friend’s face. “Bones...”
But Bones just shook his head again, shoulders sagging. “You didn’t think when you escaped from the hospital. You didn’t think about the warnings Pike gave you. Didn’t think it through when you took the flight instructor test too soon. And -” He pressed his lips together tightly, staring at him for a long moment. “You didn’t think - didn’t even hesitate - to attack those civilians.”
The broken and desolate look on Bones’ face stirred a sick sort of guilt in the pit of Jim’s stomach. “I... I’m sorry, Bones. I didn’t think - you’re right. I was an idiot tonight. I made a mistake. I didn’t think it through.” He took a step closer to his friend. “But I’ll fix it. I’ll focus. And once I figure out who sabotaged the shuttle, I’ll be able to put this behind me, but in the meantime, I swear I’ll think things through and -”
“Once you figure it out, Jim?” Bones said incredulously. “Do you hear yourself? You need to get it together regardless of whether they ever find the guy who did it. You need to stop letting yourself get wrapped up in this shit because it’s going to destroy you.”
Jim frowned. “I’ve made a couple of bad decisions, but I’ll pull it together. I’ll go back to your prescribed biofeedback program. I’ll work on my classes and keep my mouth shut like Pike said. It’ll be fine.”
“Oh, so just like that?” Bones shot him a harshly skeptical look.
“Why not?”
“Why not?” Bones echoed. “Maybe because there’s more to this than you realize, Jim.”
“So I’ve been told. I get it, Bones.”
"No, Jim, I don’t think you get it! In fact, I think it’s damned near impossible for you to get it right now.” He was gesturing wildly with his hands, something he only did when he was beyond agitated. “Kid, you have no idea how close you really came to losing everything tonight. And you don’t know when you’re going to make another stupid decision that will finally be the last straw.” He shook his head in apparent disbelief. “You were so worried about your precious accelerated program while you were stuck in the hospital. Well, let me tell you something - if you keep this up, they're not just going to pull you out of the accelerated program. They'll yank you from the command track. And maybe straight out of the Academy!”
Hearing it from his academic advisor had been one thing. Pike was supposed to give him hell about his academic and official life. But here was Bones, laying it out flat. It seemed a lot more painful this way. “I... I can fix it.”
There was a pained quality to the twisted frown that warped Bones’ face. “You can’t fix it this time, kid. Not by yourself.”
“I can! I’ve learned my lesson. I can -”
But Bones shook his head, slowly and unquestionably. “You can’t. This isn’t just a lessons-learned sort of thing. Oh God, you can’t even see it. Jim, put the pieces together, okay? You’ve been paranoid since you woke up in the ICU. You thought people were trying to get you in the hospital. You thought the medications we were giving you were causing amnesia. You kept telling me how you felt trapped. And that terrorists were still targeting you.”
“But someone sabotaged the shuttle, Bones. I know it. I saw it! Don’t you believe me?”
“I believe you, kid. But we can’t prove it.” He shook his head again. “And even if the shuttle was sabotaged, we have no reason to believe they were after you.”
“But how could they not be?” Jim challenged.
Bones fixed him with a sharp look. “And that’s the problem right there, Jim! You’re not even considering other possibilities! The Jim I know would have considered all the angles. He’d be looking for other answers, instead of latching on to the most paranoid answer he could find and clinging to it like a life raft.”
“So I’m paranoid, am I?” Jim shot back defensively, even though he knew Bones was speaking the truth. “Just because I’m looking at an answer that makes sense -”
“You’re not making sense!” Bones cut him off furiously. He reached back, grabbed his glass, and took another quick swig of his bourbon before slamming the almost-empty glass back on the counter. With a heavy growl, he began to pace in agitation back and forth across the short kitchen floor. “You can’t fix this yourself, Jim, because this isn’t just a matter of stupid decisions. That’s only one of the symptoms we’re seeing. It’s a symptom, Jim! I should have seen this coming. Dammit, Jim, why didn’t I see it? I should have. I did. And I let it go.” He paused long enough to slam his hand on the tabletop in boldfaced frustration. “I wish you’d said something. I wish I hadn’t let myself be so blind to this. I should have been paying attention. Accepted the fact that you’re only human, and you couldn’t beat all the odds. Maybe if my neural regen units had been better -”
“Hold it right there,” Jim cut in, finally feeling an in where he could justifiably argue back, even though the sudden turn in the conversation had left him confused and reeling slightly. “Your devices saved my life! You can’t blame my stupid decisions on you not having fine-tuned your miracle-gizmo soon enough.”
There was a desolate sort of anger that ran through Bones’ expression like cracks in a window pane. “I can, Jim. I saved your life, but I had no idea what those devices would do. Modern medicine has come a long way, but somewhere between the human brain and the human soul, we’re still as lost as we’ve ever been. I should have been watching for these problems. We should have put a psychiatrist on your recovery team -
“Psychiatrist?” Jim blurted out. “No way, Bones! You know exactly what they’d start digging up if they did that. I don’t need my past dragged through the mud.”
“That’s why I advised against it, kid.” He swallowed tightly. “That’s why I told them... after you escaped... that I’d be responsible for that. And... goddammit, Jim, I failed you.”
Jim shook his head wildly. “No. Just stop that. No. You put your career on the line to save my life, and I’m not going to ask more than that from you. It’s my fault for what happened tonight. This isn’t about you, Bones. This is about me.”
Bones stopped cold, then leaned back against the kitchen counter. It looked as if the counter was the only thing keeping him upright. He stared at Jim, his face unreadable. “Jim, if you’ve learned one thing from all this, you should have learned that it’s not all about you.”
Jim snorted. “That’s what people keep telling me, but you know what? I call bullshit. It’s always me, and there’s no fucking way for me to avoid it. No matter what shit is going on, I always end up in the middle of it. How can you tell me, after everything that’s happened, that it’s not about me?”
Bones was still staring at him with that desolate, lost expression. For a moment, he didn’t even blink, then finally said, “Because, Jim... sometimes, shit happens. Wrong place at the wrong time. Sometimes, being in the wrong place at the wrong time turns you into a hero. And sometimes, it almost destroys you.”
Jim felt his mouth fall open slightly, and he let out a faint, “Bones...”
“Don’t let this one destroy you, Jim.” It was a plea this time. He blinked a few times, and stared off across the room, eyes unfocused. “I can’t fix it this time, Jim. And if you can’t fix it either, then it’s going to destroy us, too.”
It was like a knife to the gut. It was an ice-cold realization that his own stubbornness, his own refusal to get the help that you obviously need, you fucking idiot, and his own pride could ruin the best friendship he’d ever had. He couldn’t let that happen. Slowly, as if moving through something thick and viscous, Jim stepped into the kitchen, turned, and leaned against the counter, too, almost shoulder-to-shoulder with Bones. He let his weight sag against the solid mass of the counter top. “Okay,” he breathed. “Okay, Bones. What should I do?”
Bones sighed. “I know a guy in the psych department,” he said, his voice dry and cracked. “Doctor Rodriguez. He’s good, and I think you’ll like him. You’ll need him to report to Pike, but beyond that, he’ll keep your confidentiality. I know he will.”
“What if he doesn’t? I mean, if he -”
“He will,” Bones said with resolute firmness. “Trust me on this, Jim.”
“I do trust you,” Jim said, his voice sounding distant in his own ears. “It just feels... weak. Asking for help.”
Bones shook his head. “Sometimes, Jim, it takes far more strength to ask for help when you need it. Especially for a guy like you.” He let out a slow breath. “Modern medicine has gotten away from the old judgmental attitudes about mental and psychological injury and illness. Nobody is going to think less of you, or look down on you, for seeking help with your recovery from a severe head injury.” His voice threatened to crack on the last few words, but he huffed a couple of short breaths and pulled it back together. Jim could almost feel the tension radiating off him. “But Jim... if you don’t get help, and you don’t get this fixed... you won’t be fit for duty, and nothing I do or say will change that.”
“Oh. Okay.” Jim swallowed down the nausea that was starting to well up in his gut. “So... when do I see this guy? This psych friend of yours?”
“He’s at a conference this week, but he’ll be back in town on Monday. I’ll send him a communiqué.”
“Okay,” Jim said softly. Then something else occurred to him. “Bones... what will everyone else think? I mean... fuck, this is going to be all over campus by tomorrow morning. They’re all going to think I’m nuts. This is... I’m gonna... fuck...” He pressed the palms of his hands against his face, wishing he could shut out the world. In his mind’s eye, he saw himself walking into class tomorrow, with the scornful, disdainful looks from every other cadet following him everywhere. Across the quad, into the shuttle hangar, at hand-to-hand... all the people who he’d hoped... he’d thought... they had respected him. Some looked up to him. And now... what the hell would they think?
With a sigh, Bones reached up and clapped a hand on Jim’s shoulder. It was a warm, familiar, reassuring pressure. “The ones who are worth anything will understand what you’ve been through. The rest... fuck ‘em.”
Jim dropped his hands and looked at Bones hopefully. It seemed too promising, too kind of an answer, but he wanted to believe it. Needed to believe it. “Really, Bones?”
In a voice that seemed just a bit uncertain of itself, with a smile to match, Bones said, “Yeah, kid. Really.”
“Come.”
The word sounded like a condemnation to Kirk as he stood outside the door of Pike’s office. On his way to Archer Hall, he’d wondered if maybe Pike would have cooled his feet overnight. Maybe he’d have thought about the circumstances, and what might have caused Jim to snap, or...
Forget it, Kirk, he berated himself. Pike will still be furious, and he has every reason to be. Now get your ass into the office.
Bracing himself, Jim stepped forward, triggering the door and stepping into the office of Captain Christopher Pike.
Jim had been in there before, several times. Regular advising sessions, an occasional review of Jim’s progress in his accelerated track, and so on. The room had always seemed open-aired and comfortable with its wall-length window and natural wood trim.
Today, it looked like an execution chamber, with his personal judge, jury, and executioner staring back at him from behind the desk. Pike seemed just as unfamiliar as the room did, with his face still locked in the mask of anger he’d worn last night.
“Have a seat,” he said flatly.
“Yes, sir,” Jim said quietly, hurriedly settling himself into the seat across the desk from Pike. At least this time, they were both sitting, instead of Pike looming over him like a storm front. It was only marginally better.
“Kirk,” he began, his voice low and dangerous, “I’m going to give you one chance to explain yourself from last night, and it had better be good.”
Despite the rehearsed answers he’d tried to create during his sleepless night on Bones’ couch, his brain was spinning too fast to remember anything coherent as he stared back at Pike’s furious expression. Apparently, the guy hadn’t mellowed overnight. So, with his heart hammering in his chest, Jim stammered out the first thing he could think of. “I... I have no excuse, sir.”
“Damn it all, Kirk!” Pike snapped, slapping his hands down on the desk. “I’m not looking for an excuse - I’m looking for an explanation! You’re one of the smartest, most capable cadets this campus has ever seen, and you know damned well that I’m aware of it. You don’t do things without a reason, even if your reasons don’t always make sense to everyone. I have to believe you had a reason for what you did last night.” He reached up with one hand and rubbed the bridge of his nose for a moment before looking back at Jim. “What happened, Kirk?”
The defeated look on Pike’s face matched the hollow feeling in Jim’s gut. Swallowing against another wave of nausea, Jim looked down at his own hands resting on his knees and spoke.
“I thought that the investigation had given up, sir. There were no answers, so I was sure the saboteur was still out there.”
“So you decided to jump the first suspicious person you saw near a shuttlecraft? Is that it?”
“No!” Jim protested. “That wasn’t the plan. Those... those were the people I saw in the tea house yesterday, sir. The ones I reported to you about.”
A look of comprehension crossed Pike’s face. “I see,” he said slowly. “So you just saw them there, and decided to take matters into your own hands?”
“I... I didn’t decide, exactly.” Jim forced himself to meet Pike’s gaze, despite the fact that he wanted to shrink down until he was too small to be seen, and then run from the room.
Frowning, Pike slowly lowered himself into his seat, never taking his hands off the desk. “Then what, exactly, did you do?”
Staring back at Pike’s stone-set features and eyes that were begging for an explanation that could make sense of everything, Jim knew he had to come clean. Everything Bones had told him from the night before... brain damage, psych trauma, everything he loathed to admit but had come to accept during his sleepless night... he had to tell Pike. He knew what he was facing - a choice between looking like a careless, thoughtless, dangerous cadet with no self control... or admitting that perhaps he was medically compromised. When he looked at it that way, it was obvious which was worse - much worse - but that didn’t make it any easier to admit.
“I just... reacted. It was like...” Jim trailed off and bit his lip. Gritting his teeth, he squeezed his eyes shut and said, “It was like I couldn’t think at all. It... it didn’t feel like me. I think there might still be something wrong with me from the crash... from the head injury. McCoy and I talked about it last night. He said I’ve been paranoid since the crash.”
Saying it himself made him cringe at the sound of his own voice, but he pressed on. He stared down at his hands on his knees. “I don’t like to admit it, but I think he’s right. This isn’t me. I thought because the broken bones had healed up, everything was fine. But... I’ve been scared of flying. I make stupid decisions and can’t figure out why. I’m making it through my classes, but it’s like my brain is hazy and not quite here. It’s been like this since the crash.”
He blinked a couple of times, trying to squash the sick feeling of vulnerability at having revealed so much at once, and looked up at Pike hesitantly.
The pained resignation on Pike’s face said so much. “You understand what sort of position this puts me in, Kirk.”
“I do, sir.” He took a bracing breath. “You’ll need to put a note in my file, and you’ll have to order me to see a psychiatrist.” And then, the hardest part. “I’m already planning on it, sir.”
At that, Pike raised an eyebrow. “Now I know you’re not feeling like yourself. You’re already planning to see a shrink? How much did McCoy have to threaten you to talk you into it?”
Jim forced a mirthless laugh, trying to sound far less nervous and upset than he was.. “He just made me see reason.”
“He seems like the sort of guy who’d be good at something like that. He’s a good friend for you to have.”
“Don’t I know it.” Jim sighed and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his thighs under the weight of his own guilt. He’d put Bones through hell, when the guy had done nothing less than to risk everything for him. Fuck, he’d put everyone through hell. Medical reasons or not, he felt like he had no excuse. Still, as much as he wanted to just forget about everything, he knew he had to face it head on. Maybe that was the difference between who he was now and who he wanted to be. That was the difference between a man who’d saved eight-hundred lives as his ship crashed and burned, and a man who had failed to save even one.
“Captain Pike,” he began, trying to keep his voice from shaking, “I know I’ve put everyone through hell lately, and I’m sorry. And I’m not going to shirk off the blame for this. I know what I did. Head injury or not, I still did it. I can accept the consequences.” He took a deep breath. “And I know I’m here for a formal reprimand, sir.”
Pike didn’t even blink. “Yes, you are. But I wanted to know what you were going to say before I put it in your file.” He pulled out his PADD, and without a word, typed in a few lines. Jim sat silently, waiting, until Pike put the PADD back down with a note of finality. “I’ve tagged the reprimand with a note that you were possibly compromised due to medical complications at the time of the incident. For now, this isn’t going to impact your duties, academic track, or future assignments. That will depend on the report from the psychiatrist.”
“Understood, sir.”
Pike nodded. “Have him send his reports to me, as well as to the staff at Starfleet Medical. If he states that your actions last night were due to the physical and psychological trauma you’ve endured, then you won’t be found at fault in any official sense.” He rested his elbows on his desk, leaning forward. “But Kirk, you’ll still need to get your head back on straight if you want to be the Starfleet officer I know you can be. If you can’t recover from this, you won’t be able to stay in the Command track, or possibly even in Starfleet.”
Jim swallowed nervously, digging his fingers into his knees. “I know, sir. And I don’t want to let that slip away from me. That’s why I’m going to see the psychiatrist. And that’s why I’m going to do whatever it takes to get my head right again.”
“That can’t be easy for a man like you,” Pike said, and Jim thought he heard a hint of admiration there.
“No, but I want to fix this, sir. And I want make something of myself here, and to be good at it.” Despite the nerves that hadn’t gone away, Jim felt a surge of sincerity and determination, and hoped Pike could see it.
For the first time since he’d come into the office, a smile touched Pike’s face. “I know, son. And you will be good at it. And I won’t give up on you if you don’t give up on yourself.”
“I’m too stubborn to quit,” Jim said, almost feeling hopeful again.
The smile broadened. “Now isn’t that the truth?” He shook his head in amusement, then looked back down at his PADD. “We’ll be able to keep this from impacting your career too much if you stick to your plan, listen to the doctors, and keep your head down. Medical confidentiality will keep a lot of this out of the limelight, Kirk.” He glanced back up and the smile faded. “But I’ll have to tell you... the word is out around campus already.”
Jim felt his own brief surge of gusto deflate. “I figured as much.”
“Do you have a plan to deal with this?”
For a moment, Jim twisted his lips pensively, considering what Bones had told him last night... The ones who are worth anything will understand. “I do,” Jim said, sounding far more confident than he felt. “I had to rebuild my reputation once, and I can do it again. But this time... I’ve got friends I can trust.” He tilted his head. “Actually... I’ve got a question, sir.”
Pike spread his hands open. “I can’t promise anything, but ask.”
“Our flight team... we’ve only got five people now. But... we’re moving on to single-pilot crafts next semester. Has there ever been a flight team with just five pilots?”
“No,” Pike said thoughtfully. “But I’ve seen your team in action. And don’t look so surprised – you know I’ve been watching. I don’t often say things like this, but you really do have something special going on there with that little group of yours. I like how your team works together. And after all you’ve been through, it would be a shame to change that.”
“We’re trying to pick a new candidate. Okoru sent us all the profiles of the folks who want to join. They’re good but... you know... they’re not Nova Squadron.”
“I understand that, Kirk.” He leaned back in his chair and looked wistfully at the ceiling. “I’ve been on a few teams myself, but you can always tell when you’ve got something special. Some teams, once they’re together, you don’t break up if you can possibly help it.” He looked back down at Jim. “I’ll talk to your flight instructor, and the folks who oversee the Pilot program.” His face became serious. “On one condition.”
“Anything, sir.”
“Promise me you’re going to take care of yourself... and do this the right way.”
Jim nodded. “If that’s what it takes to keep my team together, I’ll do it.”
Pike gave him a level look. “Then I’ll see what I can do.” With a telegraphed sigh, he leaned forward and stood. Jim was on his feet half a second later to match him as Pike said, “You’re dismissed, Kirk. But... if you need to talk... if you wonder if you’re starting to make a bad decision or anything like that... my door is open. Come to me first... before something happens.” He held out his hand.
Surprised, Jim took his hand and shook it. “I will, sir. Thank you.”
“Good. Now get to class.” He dropped Jim’s hand. “Make me remember why I wanted you in Starfleet.”
“Aye sir. And thank you, sir.”
“Don’t thank me yet, Cadet. You’ve still got to do the work.”
Jim nodded, and with a formal salute, he turned and hurried out of the office. A minute later, he was standing on the front step of Archer Hall, staring blankly across the quad. His legs were shaking beneath him, but unlike before his meeting with Pike, this felt like relief. He took a deep, slow breath, trying to get himself together before he faced the rest of campus. It was going to be ugly, he was sure, but he could handle it. He didn’t really have a choice.
His class started in fifteen minutes, but he had something he needed to do first.
Pulling out his communicator, he flipped it open and said, “Cadet Kirk to Cadet Okoru.”
A moment later, “Okoru here. I heard what happened last night, Kirk. Team meeting?”
It was actually reassuring to hear her voice, steady and non-judging, even though she already knew. “Yeah,” Jim said. “I need to apologize to everyone. I’ve also got some news, but mostly, I need to explain to everyone what happened, and what’s going on.”
“That’s fair. Want to use our study hour?”
Study hour was something that had worked out schedule-wise for Nova Squadron, when they’d discovered that they all had an hour block of time with no classes on Friday mornings, from 1100 hours to noon. Even though many of their other classes were different, they’d often group together during that hour just to study in a group, eat an early lunch, or socialize. “Study hour would be perfect,” Jim answered. “Can we meet out in front of the student center, and then find an empty study room?”
“Sounds like a plan. I’ll contact the rest of the team.”
“Thanks, Okoru.”
“You’re welcome. And Kirk? Hang in there. We’ve got your back, okay?”
Something warm and tight clenched in Jim’s throat, and he blinked a couple of times as he said, “Thanks. I needed to hear that.”
“You’re more than welcome. Okoru out.”
Jim flipped his communicator shut and looked across the quad at the lecture hall buildings again. Those buildings would be full of cadets who had heard what he’d done. No excuses, no explanations – he’d have to face the gauntlet head on. But he’d survived much worse. And in the end, it would be okay.
In the meantime, however, it was going to suck.
(To Part Seventeen...)
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Date: 2010-12-16 06:04 am (UTC)I'm working my way through this slowly, but I don't want you to take that as an indication that I'm not finding it suspenseful. Because it really is!
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Date: 2010-12-16 01:45 pm (UTC)No worries! I just figured you actually had a life, and were busy! ♥
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Date: 2011-02-22 01:07 pm (UTC)