A bit more introspective now...
Jun. 30th, 2010 04:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mijanSo, obviously, I needed to write a post detailing the OMFG THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED parts of Trek Fest. You know - before I forgot it all in the post-TF insanity.
What I didn't really post were my actual thoughts on what happened, and my emotional response. I'm still churning it over in my head.
We should all have a Bucket List of sorts. Everyone should. I keep adding things to mine, and checking them off as I go. But I have three lists. The first is the realistic list - things I can actually do by choice and effort, not by sheer dumb luck. That includes stuff like a trip to Japan, swimming with dolphins, climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro, and learning to surf. Then there's the list that requires effort and skill, but also SOME element of chance. That includes stuff like acting in a musical/play, saving someone's life in a direct effort, and getting published.
Then, there are the total pipe dreams - the things that would be nice to see actually happen, but I'm not crazy and I just know better. Those things include traveling outside of our solar system, being the first human being to make alien contact, and having one of my childhood heroes sit down at a table with me and chat.
Pipe dreams. Nothing more.
Then it happens.
I've spent the past 72 hours rehashing how I view myself in the grand scheme of things. I'm still trying to rationalize that it actually happened. (Note to self: it happened, there were witnesses.) I'm still trying to figure out why I got up that morning before everyone else, with this unshakable feeling that I had to go park myself outside the cafe with my computer and a coffee and wait. Sure, I was writing, but I was waiting. It's like I knew something unusual was going to happen. I wonder if, perhaps, I didn't bug out because I'd had that dream so many times. Told myself that even though it was a pipe dream, that if I met one of my favorite actors, that THIS is how I'd behave. Like rehearsing for the most far-fetched possibility as if it could really happen.
It was a bit like being in this bubble, hoping the bubble wouldn't burst. I'm kinda kicking myself that I didn't offer to buy him a cup of coffee. Kicking myself that I didn't ask about Babylon 5. Wondering if it would have been acceptable to ask about DeForest Kelley, my other big childhood hero from TOS. Wondering if I talked too much. Wondering if I was being too demanding when I caught up with him and asked him to say hi to my mom. Wondering if I really did act the way I always promised myself I would act if I EVER, in my wildest dreams, got to meet an actor in such a personal way. Did I keep my cool? Did I treat him like a regular person? Did I say something utterly stupid in my attempt to maintain my cool? Did he know that I really appreciated his time and conversation, and that I'm aware that there's a huge difference between a character and the actor? Did I make a good impression? I wonder.
If he'd been a jerk, I wouldn't care what he thought of me. Instead, I met one of the sweetest people I've ever encountered. I don't think it's just being star-struck that gave me that rose-tinted impression. He just seemed really cool. Particularly surprising considering how much he's gone through recently. And no, for the record, I didn't ask about his son. I'm sure other people have, but he knows that we all know, and I figured he might enjoy thinking about something different. Still, I really wanted to ask how he's doing with that, and let him know that his fans care. I also didn't ask him to say "nuclear wessels." Didn't ask for an extra autograph. Didn't ask him to pose for pictures. Honestly, I didn't even think about it. It didn't cross my mind. i realized that belatedly, that I hadn't even considered those things while we were chatting. Besides, a picture is just ink on paper. I've got a memory to last a lifetime. Dear gods, that's good enough. More than good enough. And it's because he was such a nice person that I actually care about the impression I made. I hope it was good.
What struck me the most during the whole conversation was his smile. He's got this warm, bright smile. It lights up his whole face. And even though he's not young, he almost bounces in his seat when he gets excited about something. And there were moments, when he was leaning on the table, forearms folding in front of him, with this confidential-conversation sort of grin on his face, my brain saw Chekov, straight out of the movies. And yet he was right there, sitting across from me, and it wasn't Chekov, it was Walter, and we were laughing and chatting about writing techniques and the military and baseball. (He's a Yankees fan! GAH! I'm a lifelong Red Sox fan. So we razzed each other back and forth about that. Just like any baseball fans would. I think I'm going to send him a fan-letter with a Red Sox keychain in it.)
We talked about writing, but I would have felt awkward telling him about the plot for my original novel. I would have felt more awkward telling him about my fanfiction plots. I loved listening to him talk about his. Now, I kinda wish I'd told him about my original plot idea. More than that, I'd like to WRITE my original plot idea, and meet him again someday, with a copy of it in my hands. I want to show him the dedication page, which will have three names on it, including his, because talking to him was the kick in the ass I needed to refocus on original writing. I really hope I get the chance. I hope he comes back to Trek Fest, but I wouldn't blame him if he didn't. Still... yeah.
Anyway, I'm probably overthinking it, but overthinking is what I do. It's part of what makes me ME. It's part of why I write, too.
I had a "fan encounter" that still blows my mind. I still get just a bit watery around the eyes and tight in the throat thinking about it. It makes me wonder... ponder... marvel. It makes me hope that he remembers me, for what it's worth. It makes me think that somewhere in my life, I must have done something right. It makes me curious as to how I appear to others... what people see when they look at me and interact with me.
I've met so many awesome people in my life, but I don't run in famous circles. My friends are awesome. My fellow geeks are awesome. The fan authors I know are awesome. My USS Macchiato crew is awesome. I'm delighted that I seem awesome enough to some of them that I find myself surrounded by so many incredible people. But of all the random things in life, how did I manage to stand out enough that the star of the event would decide to sit down at my table and talk with me? Maybe I'm just that obnoxious. Or maybe I did something right.
Who knows.
But now, I have three fanfiction novels to finish, and then I have an original story to write.
What I didn't really post were my actual thoughts on what happened, and my emotional response. I'm still churning it over in my head.
We should all have a Bucket List of sorts. Everyone should. I keep adding things to mine, and checking them off as I go. But I have three lists. The first is the realistic list - things I can actually do by choice and effort, not by sheer dumb luck. That includes stuff like a trip to Japan, swimming with dolphins, climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro, and learning to surf. Then there's the list that requires effort and skill, but also SOME element of chance. That includes stuff like acting in a musical/play, saving someone's life in a direct effort, and getting published.
Then, there are the total pipe dreams - the things that would be nice to see actually happen, but I'm not crazy and I just know better. Those things include traveling outside of our solar system, being the first human being to make alien contact, and having one of my childhood heroes sit down at a table with me and chat.
Pipe dreams. Nothing more.
Then it happens.
I've spent the past 72 hours rehashing how I view myself in the grand scheme of things. I'm still trying to rationalize that it actually happened. (Note to self: it happened, there were witnesses.) I'm still trying to figure out why I got up that morning before everyone else, with this unshakable feeling that I had to go park myself outside the cafe with my computer and a coffee and wait. Sure, I was writing, but I was waiting. It's like I knew something unusual was going to happen. I wonder if, perhaps, I didn't bug out because I'd had that dream so many times. Told myself that even though it was a pipe dream, that if I met one of my favorite actors, that THIS is how I'd behave. Like rehearsing for the most far-fetched possibility as if it could really happen.
It was a bit like being in this bubble, hoping the bubble wouldn't burst. I'm kinda kicking myself that I didn't offer to buy him a cup of coffee. Kicking myself that I didn't ask about Babylon 5. Wondering if it would have been acceptable to ask about DeForest Kelley, my other big childhood hero from TOS. Wondering if I talked too much. Wondering if I was being too demanding when I caught up with him and asked him to say hi to my mom. Wondering if I really did act the way I always promised myself I would act if I EVER, in my wildest dreams, got to meet an actor in such a personal way. Did I keep my cool? Did I treat him like a regular person? Did I say something utterly stupid in my attempt to maintain my cool? Did he know that I really appreciated his time and conversation, and that I'm aware that there's a huge difference between a character and the actor? Did I make a good impression? I wonder.
If he'd been a jerk, I wouldn't care what he thought of me. Instead, I met one of the sweetest people I've ever encountered. I don't think it's just being star-struck that gave me that rose-tinted impression. He just seemed really cool. Particularly surprising considering how much he's gone through recently. And no, for the record, I didn't ask about his son. I'm sure other people have, but he knows that we all know, and I figured he might enjoy thinking about something different. Still, I really wanted to ask how he's doing with that, and let him know that his fans care. I also didn't ask him to say "nuclear wessels." Didn't ask for an extra autograph. Didn't ask him to pose for pictures. Honestly, I didn't even think about it. It didn't cross my mind. i realized that belatedly, that I hadn't even considered those things while we were chatting. Besides, a picture is just ink on paper. I've got a memory to last a lifetime. Dear gods, that's good enough. More than good enough. And it's because he was such a nice person that I actually care about the impression I made. I hope it was good.
What struck me the most during the whole conversation was his smile. He's got this warm, bright smile. It lights up his whole face. And even though he's not young, he almost bounces in his seat when he gets excited about something. And there were moments, when he was leaning on the table, forearms folding in front of him, with this confidential-conversation sort of grin on his face, my brain saw Chekov, straight out of the movies. And yet he was right there, sitting across from me, and it wasn't Chekov, it was Walter, and we were laughing and chatting about writing techniques and the military and baseball. (He's a Yankees fan! GAH! I'm a lifelong Red Sox fan. So we razzed each other back and forth about that. Just like any baseball fans would. I think I'm going to send him a fan-letter with a Red Sox keychain in it.)
We talked about writing, but I would have felt awkward telling him about the plot for my original novel. I would have felt more awkward telling him about my fanfiction plots. I loved listening to him talk about his. Now, I kinda wish I'd told him about my original plot idea. More than that, I'd like to WRITE my original plot idea, and meet him again someday, with a copy of it in my hands. I want to show him the dedication page, which will have three names on it, including his, because talking to him was the kick in the ass I needed to refocus on original writing. I really hope I get the chance. I hope he comes back to Trek Fest, but I wouldn't blame him if he didn't. Still... yeah.
Anyway, I'm probably overthinking it, but overthinking is what I do. It's part of what makes me ME. It's part of why I write, too.
I had a "fan encounter" that still blows my mind. I still get just a bit watery around the eyes and tight in the throat thinking about it. It makes me wonder... ponder... marvel. It makes me hope that he remembers me, for what it's worth. It makes me think that somewhere in my life, I must have done something right. It makes me curious as to how I appear to others... what people see when they look at me and interact with me.
I've met so many awesome people in my life, but I don't run in famous circles. My friends are awesome. My fellow geeks are awesome. The fan authors I know are awesome. My USS Macchiato crew is awesome. I'm delighted that I seem awesome enough to some of them that I find myself surrounded by so many incredible people. But of all the random things in life, how did I manage to stand out enough that the star of the event would decide to sit down at my table and talk with me? Maybe I'm just that obnoxious. Or maybe I did something right.
Who knows.
But now, I have three fanfiction novels to finish, and then I have an original story to write.
