mijan | Humor me - it's a meme, and I'm bored.

Dammit, like I need more distractions..J/K..I'll bite, just wait til after lunch, k? About .5 hr. *hugs*

Ok.

*slowly goes stir-crazy*

okay, I'm back.

So I cheated a bit (okay, a lot) and am using All the King's Men. What? It's a favorite..anyway, this is one of my favorite parts..

"Jim, I told you, things were a bit fuzzy, and I –" And Leonard froze, because the look on Jim's face was suddenly familiar, as something shifted and broke, letting the last trappings of his masks fall away. The words that had been dropped in that small gray room hadn't been desperate or casual. They hadn't had an ulterior motive or a romantic stench. They had been stated plainly, for the record, so that they might not be forgotten or misconstrued, just in case he never had the chance to say it again. I love you, too, Bones. "Oh."

Holding his expression steady, and not lifting his head from his pillow, Jim nodded. "I didn't mean… you know… to be misunderstood or anything, or make it seem like something it's not. It's just that I've had people say that to me before, and I've never really believed it. It always seems weird when other people say it to me. I didn’t know how you’d take it… but I had to know if you remembered." He stopped and held his breath.

Leonard looked down at him, at the face that had so many different looks for so many different people, but somehow Leonard knew that the expression it held just then was one that very few people had ever seen. And although he'd been married and had dated and had family and friends who had all loved him and at some point in the past had told him so, he didn't think he'd ever heard those words with such an unobstructed and simple meaning before. And he believed it.

Smiling openly for the first time in what felt like forever, Leonard rested a hand on Jim's hair, gently combing his fingers through the windblown mess. "I remember. And I know, kid. I know. Me too."

and..go!

Aaah, first thing to know is that Jim really wanted Leonard to remember what he'd said, and to understand what he meant by it. When he thought Bones was dying, and everything was this desperate need to escape and keep Bones alive, and Bones kept trying to give Jim the confidence to face the challenge, Jim could hear in Leonard's voice the unspoken amount of love there. It was something he didn't hear a lot at home, and it really reached him... more than I could really show just from Leonard's perspective.

The idea that someone WOULD love him was what made Jim suddenly realize just how much life was worth living, and what was REALLY worth fighting for. Compare the fight Jim had in the park the night after his chat with Toland (when he ran off) to the fight that Leonard could hear (but not see) when they'd just escaped from the Terra Prime facility.

First:
"Like hell you are!" Leonard grabbed his arm. "You're coming back to the infirmary so I can patch you up, and then you’re gonna tell me about this bizarre death wish you've suddenly developed!"
Jim wrenched his arm out of Leonard's grasp again, staggering slightly as he overbalanced. "Patch me up, Bones? How many times can you patch up something before you realize that it's too fucking broken to fix?"
"Oh, so you're going to go trying to break yourself even more, just to prove it?"
"Why not?" He laughed, like a cry of delirious defiance as he threw his arms above his head. "Why the hell not!"

And then later, when Jim realizes someone gives a shit about him:
"There was shouting and more phaser fire, and the desperate cry of a man fighting for his life and determined not to lose it because life was precious… so goddamned precious. "

Jim hadn't had people care about him like that in the past. When Bones had told Jim that he TRUSTED him, it was as good as a statement of love, because to TRULY trust someone (not just professionally, but on every level, which is what Jim recognized in what Bones had said), you do have to love them. It was a really sobering realization for Jim.

So, he NEEDED Bones to remember that he'd admitted he loved him, too. And I wanted people to see that love not as a romantic thing, but just as a pure statement of fact. I wanted Bones to see it as the most honest and vulnerable thing Jim had possibly ever said in his post-adolescent life, and to also see just how much more real and honest that admission was than perhaps any of the "expected" statements of "I love you" from his family, friends, wife, and lovers in the past. That this was something real, and it had changed both of them.

Wait, you want other people to go through your fanfic and find paragraphs for you so you can talk about... your own fanfic? I DO NOT SEE THE PAYOFF HERE, MI. XP

No payoff, other than idle chatter to fill a dull afternoon. People can do it if they want to, and if they don't, they can scroll to the next entry in their f-list. I'd actually go through

affectingly's fics for a passage, but the only ones I like are NC-17, and... not at work. Yeah.

I'm just THAT BORED. And if someone wants to humor me, great. If not, then I wasted three minutes typing this entry.

I was just needling you, you know. >.> *flees*

I know. And I'm playing along... because I'm bored and going stir-crazy and I don't want to look at ONE MORE CHEMICAL ON THIS GODDAMNED LIST! *whimpers a bit*

Maybe we'll have a catastrophic chemical spill to liven up the afternoon...

You could always arrange for a chemical spill. >.>

Nah, I like being employed. Which means after lunch... back to the inventories. *headdesk*

Well, you don't have to arrange for it in such a way that you'll get caught. >.>

Aaah, a very good point.

However, part of my job is being the person who fixes problems and whatnot, and I actually take a lot of pride in it. Causing a chemical spill puts people at risk, and while YES, I do actually enjoy the excitement of responding to an emergency, I can't in good conscience CAUSE one.

Hmmm... I need more coffee.

What if it was a harmless chemical! One that's gooey and annoying to get out of your hair but doesn't actually hurt people. >.>

Hmmm... gooey chemicals...

Sadly, we've got nothing.

Got any good fics I should read? I have fifteen minutes left to kill for my lunch.

No, but http://notalwaysright.com/ is AWESOME.

Oooh, having worked retail (and other customer-service related jobs), I'm already addicted to this site. I don't know whether to thank you or not, but thank you! :D

Okay, and we have a chemical spill! Unknown chemical on the floor... and I didn't cause it. Here's my excitement! :p

OH MY GOD DON'T LET IT IN YOUR HAIR

Already clean. Acid and silver chloride, plus a few other lovely things. Old-fashioned film developer system was leaking, and a bunch of facilities guys went to move it without notifying our department. The part that actually pisses me off is that they were going to just put it in the regular trash that goes to the landfill. That shit's toxic! We have systems for handling those chemicals, and these idiots were just gonna trash it.

Don't worry, I didn't get any in my hair. :p

Although I must admit, I DO always get a bit of a thrill rushing through campus with my emergency response kit, looking all important and save-the-day-ish. :D

Alright, I'll give you something to do. Long live the art of procrastination.

From Redshirt:
"Although he'd sworn never to be surprised by Jim Kirk, McCoy had to admit that this caught him a bit off-guard. He watched, almost mesmerized, as Jim focused on every twist and stroke of the pen across the paper. Occasionally, he would pause to reload the ink, tapping the pen once and drawing it across the lip of the inkwell each time to remove the excess ink. McCoy wondered why Jim would go to such trouble. After all, he was the guy who had once suggested during his academy years that instead of having to type or speak to record notes, he ought to simply be able to get the computer to read his brain. And yet here he was, with an inkwell and a calligraphy pen, practicing this ancient art aboard a starship."

xx

YAY! Thanks for humoring me!

Okay, I used to do calligraphy, and I still have a dip-pen set and inkwell. If I wanted to record something that I felt was important or poignant, I'd write it in this parchment book that was bound in red velvet, using my best script. The rhythm was methodical... write until the ink runs almost dry, dip, tap, draw, write. It's really soothing, actually. Even in this day and age of computerized graphics and printing, people still use hand-done calligraphy for the most important documents - diplomas, certificates, awards, etc. To me, it's symbolic of anything life-changing or intensely meaningful.

I see Kirk as a person who has far too much energy to sit down, slow down, and really focus on such a tedious task, unless it's for something so important that he feels the need to force himself to focus on it. He WOULD be the guy to suggest downloading notes directly from his brain onto a datapad. McCoy, in my mind, also can't quite fathom the idea of the hyperkinetic Jim Kirk going through the tedious process of hand writing something with a dip-pen. The idea that after the death of a crew member, immediately after filling out the official report, Jim Kirk would take a private moment in memory of each lost crew member... it meant something to me. I wanted to contrast the visual of the high-tech starship with the ancient calligraphy, and the sense of slowing down to recognize the inherent value in all sentient life, which transcends technology and any other advances we might make in the future.

Thank you for joining in the meme! Like I said... DEAD BORED HERE.

That really moving. I want to hug both you and him simultaneously. I never managed to make calligraphy look right whereas my friend could do it perfectly but then I have a tendency to drop things if I'm not an instant success. Now I've matured I might look back into it.

xx

I'd say go for it. Unless you're going to become a professional calligrapher, it doesn't need to be perfect. Just write. It's a good hobby.

*hugs*

And a thought on the whole fic, not just the passage...

I wrote this fic because I saw the redshirt joke go a bit too far in a fic. They had Jim Kirk refer to one of his own crew as a redshirt, and act like it didn't matter, and it infuriated me. I was an Army officer. There's NO SUCH THING as a redshirt in real life; every single person is valuable beyond measure. I've had to bury one of my own. He was young, of low rank, and on paper he wasn't that important to the unit. The loss still hurts, and it's been almost six years. I needed people to take another look at what a "redshirt" really is... and to realize that Captain Kirk would never think of one of his crew that way. It's too important.

I need a coffee now.

Ooooh, I'd love to do that meme! I have to go back to my favorite fic of yours and re-read some passages first though... it'll be hard to choose just one!

LOL - keep me entertained. Pick as many as you want. Which fic?

Perspectives :)

And I found one of my favorites already!

Kirk felt his breath catch as Bones finally looked him straight in the eye for the first time since this fiasco had begun. He didn't blink. "I wanted to protect you so badly that I almost killed you. I'm sorry. Good God, Jim, I am so sorry."

There were a million things Kirk wanted to say and wanted to ask, but he sat there, mouth gaping open, unable to say any of them. He stared back at the man who'd all but literally held his heart in his hands, and had kept him alive by being just crazy enough to refuse defeat. No-win scenario indeed, Kirk thought bleakly.

There were no words. Nothing he could say would make it right. The unspoken understanding between them said so much. We both fucked up, but we both made it through, and here we are, and it's okay – it has to be okay because there's no other way for it to be and god please tell me it's going to be okay?

Nothing he could say could possibly make his thoughts known. He was Captain James T. Kirk. Masterful diplomat, youngest Starfleet Captain in history, and the hero who had saved the galaxy, but Kirk couldn't cross that distance to connect with the man who had saved him; who had always meant the world to him, and now meant everything else, too. Kirk couldn't…

But Jim could.

Without standing, he slid around so that his back was resting between Bones' knees, leaning his weight against sturdy legs. He heard Bones gasp in surprise behind him, but there was no word of complaint. Slowly, he leaned his head on a warm thigh, and a second later was rewarded with a tender, familiar touch smoothing his hair, coaxing him to relax. With a sigh, he let his eyes close.

He felt comfortable there, like he'd found the one place in the universe where he could be vulnerable, and it was okay. He didn't need to be a starship Captain here. He didn't need to be a leader or a hero. It was good enough to just be Jim. Here, it didn't matter that he was broken – he was in the hands of the person who had fixed him. After a moment of stillness, Bones shifted. For a second, Jim was afraid he'd done something wrong, but then strong arms wrapped around him, and Bones was burying his face against Jim's neck and shaking.

"Bones, are you okay? Did I –"

Bones lifted his head for just a brief moment – the air on Jim's neck felt cool where tears were evaporating – just long enough to say, "Damn it, Jim, just shut up."

So he did.

Heee, that's a long passage.

Well, the very first small paragraph there...
Kirk felt his breath catch as Bones finally looked him straight in the eye for the first time since this fiasco had begun. He didn't blink. "I wanted to protect you so badly that I almost killed you. I'm sorry. Good God, Jim, I am so sorry."

That's actually the crux of the entire story. McCoy's inability to face up to the fact that his best friend DID die on the operating table, and that for a minute... yes, Bones actually gave up on him. It was as much Jim dying as the gut-wrenching guilt Bones felt for actually giving up, even for the briefest of moments, when there were still options, and when (as it turns out), yes, he was able to save him. That's where Bones is right now. He hasn't been able to look Jim in the eye because he gave up on him.

Jim, on the other hand, can't see past his own mistakes. He feels he screwed up on the planet, then screwed up again by leaving sickbay, and -

(We interrupt this comment for a bit of ironic amusement - my cardiologist's office just called me to schedule my 6-month follow-up, and I told them that I didn't think I needed to because I'm fine, and I called it off.)

- he's realized that his reckless disregard for his own safety and health actually hurts other people. The realization that both he and Bones were suffering just then, for different types of guilt, made him realize that it would be okay. He wanted to let Bones know that he still trusted him not to give up on him, and also to ADMIT (through his actions) that sometimes he needed the help. So for Bones, he decided to let himself be vulnerable, and just let go of the Captain's mask for a few minutes with his best friend.

That's what breaks Bones - the vulnerability. And for the first time since the whole fiasco began, Bones lets himself break down and just CLING to Jim, realizing just how close he came to losing him.

I saw the scene as this intimate setting in McCoy's quarters, and with just the one light from the lamp, all the corners of the room and the rest of the world just seems to fade into the darkness. It's just Jim, Bones, the lamp and table, and the bed. And for that moment, that's good enough.

As for my personal motivations and thoughts while writing this - I tend to be a person who pushes things to the point of being reckless, and I thrive on it. And I've often wondered how I would react to being caught in a position of helplessness, and the thought scares me. I'd avoid and ignore and do anything to pretend that nothing was wrong. I hope to NEVER be in those shoes, but I wonder what would happen if I did fuck up to that degree, and I explore that with Jim - seeing what would happen if a person with that type of personality was given a limitation (even a temporary one) while being handled with kid gloves by his best friend, and feeling out of control. How would he justify letting himself be vulnerable? That's what I wanted to see.

<3

By the way, have you read my latest fic yet? :D

Oh, wow, now it actually makes a whole lot more sense to me. I mean I always thought that scene was beautiful, but knowing your thoughts behind it definitely gives it an extra dimension. I didn't really understand before why Bones felt so guilty (yeah I probably should've figure that one out myself ^_^). And reading about your motivation is really interesting too!

Thanks for this! Is your offer of picking more passages still open? If so I have another one ^_^

And no, I haven't read your latest story yet, I just found out that there was a new one when I clicked on the link to your list of Star Trek fic. But now it's open in a tab already and just waiting to be read :)

Yes, feel free to go with another scene. *grins*

Ok here we go (it's even longer, but I couldn't find a good point to cut it off ^_^)

The beam solidified into a small bundle, that couldn't have been any bigger than a –

"It's a cat!" Kirk blurted out, unable to quite contain his amusement.

"Oh good grief," Scotty grumbled. "I'll never get the fur out of the matter stream condensers now!”

Spock tapped a few buttons on his tricorder. "It appears to be completely innocuous, Captain. I believe we can drop the force field."

"Go ahead, Scotty. Would you look at that?" Kirk climbed onto the transporter pad and sat down, holding his hand out to the creature. "It doesn't quite look like a housecat, but what else would you call it? Hey look, it's friendly!"

Spock looked mildly disconcerted. "Captain, I'm not certain that this is a wise decision."

"What decision, Spock? It was a diplomatic gift. Who was I to refuse? We couldn't risk a breach of protocol because we're not sure what it likes to eat." The creature rubbed its head against Kirk's knee, and Kirk absently scratched its chin. "Besides, think logically for a moment. If this creature lives side by side with the Cassians, then it makes sense that it's immune to the toxins. I think it would be worthwhile studying it to see if we can work out some sort of immunity for ourselves."

Spock inclined his head. "That would indeed be a logical approach. There may be great scientific value in this diplomatic offering."

Kirk was just starting to enjoy the warm buzz of victory when – "ACHOOO!"

The creature startled and ran from the transporter pad, only to hide behind Spock's legs. Kirk sniffled and rubbed his nose, only to sneeze again. "Well, that was unexpected. I'm not allergic to cats…"

He trailed off as Bones pulled out a tricorder, scanned him, and chuckled. "Well, it's not a cat, Jim. It's an alien creature from Cassia VI that just happens to look like a cat. And you're allergic. But don't worry, we can fix that."

Kirk sniffled again. "Great." He looked up and shook his head in surprise at what he saw. "Spock?"

Spock had picked up the animal, which seemed to be quite comfortable in his arms. "It appears to like me. Captain, it would seem that your off-hand comment before the away mission gives the impression of clairvoyance. Perhaps I shall call it Jim."

Bones choked. Surprised, Kirk gave him a couple of thumps on the back. "Bones? You okay?"

Bones closed his tricorder and got to his feet, shaking his head. "I'm getting too old for this," he grumbled as he walked off the transporter pad. He stopped at the door and looked back over his shoulder. "Captain, follow-up in sickbay immediately after this shift."

Kirk watched him go, feeling a bit perplexed and a slightly concerned. "What got into him?"

"I would venture a hypothesis, Captain, but I believe that would be pointless."

*giggle*

Okay, that was just pure silliness on my part. I got the idea for "cats" when the Ensign asked if there were any creatures on the planet, and I wanted something innocuous, and it just seemed to me like Jim would call them cats. So Scotty had to pipe up about transporting the critters. With that joke already established, and then on the planet when Bones gets the mental image of Spock holding such a creature and deciding to name him "Jim," I HAD to do it. It was too funny to miss. Mostly because it was fun to screw with McCoy in a light-hearted way after all the shit I'd put him through earlier in the fic.

I guess I just have a habit of starting a light-hearted theme to a story alongside the main plot, and then tying it back in at the end. Kinda like a ribbon on a package.

But yeah, my entire motivation for that scene was nothing more than a light-hearted joke after a much more serious plot.

*g* I totally love that scene, it's soooo cute and funny! Just imagining Spock with the "cat", and Kirk sniffling, and Bones, and Scotty grumbling about his transporter... awesome :D

Yeah, it just made me think of a classic TOS episode with the silly campy humor and all the characters just being themselves. Love them.

*pokes*

Sooo... go read that new fic of mine. I think it's at least ten times better than "Perspectives."

Ten times better? Is that even possible? ;)
I'll definitely read it soon... but I can't start until I have enough free time ahead of me to finish it, because once I start, I usually can't stop ^_^ (especially if it's that good)

*grins* I seriously think it's some of my best writing ever.

I mean, hell, my wive has stubbornly resisted ANY attempts I've made to get her to watch Star Trek, or even to show an appreciation for Star Trek.

She read that fic.

Now, she's compulsively reading fic, she's re-watched the reboot movie, she wants me to watch it again WITH her, and I think I'll be able to get her to watch TOS, too. And she's become a die-hard Kirk/McCoy shipper. It's adorable.

And last night, after reading someone else's fic, she gave me the puppy-dog eyes and said, "My Bones needs your Jim to come to bed." (We have a VERY Jim/Bones relationship, and she's already realized it.) It was fucking adorable.

"You've submitted to power and pain, but pleasure might be the most difficult for you." He took a couple of steps back, and without ceremony, removed his shirt, trousers, and underwear. Standing naked, he asked, "Can you accept what you crave, and submit to it?"

Harry squirmed, and for the first time since the flogging began in earnest, really remembered that he was chained in place. His heart seemed to freeze in his throat, and the cuffs on his wrists felt too tight. "I... I don't know what I want."

"Liar," Severus accused in an offhand manner. "You are merely hoping that Draco will just have his wicked way with you so that you never have to admit your deepest secret aloud; that Harry Potter likes cock."

Harry opened his mouth, but had nothing to say. He looked at Draco, standing casually a few feet away, and felt the heat rising to his cheeks. That wasn't the only thing rising, either.

"Your own body is betraying you, Potter," Snape reproved him. "Admit it! Say it!"

"I... I can't... I -"

Humor me - it's a meme, and I'm bored.

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